feeling discouraged about men in general

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
feeling discouraged about men in general
27
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:56am

No i'm not going to bash men...but i am going to vent a bit. I just felt sort of discouraged last night. I feel like i will never meet anyone that i connect with. Dating used to be so much easier...I cant believe that after going out with 7 or 8 people, not one of them i've wanted to see again. What is it coming to? This never used to happen to me...i pretty much used to be that boy crazy girl to a point. It seems like i've become pickier...i'm worried that if i dont become more open minded about people i will always be alone...at the same time I dont want to settle. I think a lot of it has to do with my ex...we broke up 3 years ago. He was very good looking, and had the type of personality i really like on a guy. He was tall, built, just had a really nice body, nice eyes, had all his hair, his personality was really polite, and he had athletic ability like i've never seen. He could easily run a marathon without training and do better than all his friends who'd spend months training...he was just the ultimate man to me and every guy i meet just doesnt measure up...): I hate feeling that way. I dont think i'll find anyone like my ex...and I shouldnt want to because we didnt work out!

I did date a guy over the summer who had similar qualities (and was even better, lol) than my ex. He wasnt as tall, but he still was good looking, built, athletic, polite and really smart. He was going back to grad school so i knew the whole (8 weeks i knew him) time that he was leaving. i think i acted too clingy of him probably, this was sort of what made me try online dating

I guess i'm finding that a lot of guys online are not what im looking for. I am talking to 3 guys who i could see myself liking, but i feel so discouraged by the past people i've met online. I feel like these guys wont be interested in me or i wont be interested in them. Why do i feel the need to date anyone? Because i'm tired of being alone...i want a partnter...someone i can count on, do fun things with, just have someone there...i've been alone for a while now. I just feel that I will never find this person...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:29pm

I feel your pain, and Stacey, you are very attractive. I find it surprising that you don't have guys all over you at these dance clubs you go to.

I guess it's very appropriate for me to read this thread on this particular day because I am feeling the same as both of you (and probably many others). Here we are going into the holidays and I am, once again, with no one special in my life. This time last year I did not have anyone either. My relationship with Mark started at the end of January 2006 (started dating Feb.) and ended by mid-May 2006. I really felt like once we got past the three-month mark that we would stay together. Mark was overweight and nice looking but not super attractive. He told me I was "hot" looking, mainly I think, because I was thinner than anyone else he had ever dated. I'm not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but you can see why he might have thought that if the other women he had dated were pretty overweight. He often said that everyone in his family was overweight. The ones I met were anyway. I never ever thought he would bail on me. He let the pressures of the custody battle get to him, and he also was still angry about being diagnosed with diabetis.

I have talked about our relationship many times on the board, and even though I no longer long to have him back in my life, I do still have wounds of the bitter sting he left by simply vanishing from my life rather than telling me what was going on. He proved to be more of a mouse than a man after all.

The one other guy that I have seen off/on at the restaurant I often frequent has been no where in sight lately. He was the one who told me he needed to tell the one woman he had been seeing that she was "not the one" for him. He has been noticeably absent these past few weeks, so I wonder if he has not worked up the nerve to talk to her, and thus wants to avoid me in the process. Paranoia is something that comes back to haunt me time after time. Once I make it known that I would be interested in going out with someone (gave this guy my number a while back), then it seems to set everything else in motion for the guy to avoid me (for one reason or another) or they are not as friendly as before. Like Stacey mentioned, I have men who seem to want to be friends but nothing more. I admit I have men friends that I like for nothing more than friendship, but when the guy plainly acts interested, then it is very hard to understand why they don't ask me out. I am so tired of being the one making the first move, but if I had not done that a few times over the years, I would have had probably NO dates whatsoever. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but here I am still dateless.

I am also told I am attractive with a good personality. I do not need a guy for his money. I am independent, own my own home, have a good income and many friends. Yet, I have sat on the sidelines for years now wondering how it works for other women and it doesn't for me. I do not believe I look desperate. In fact, desperate in my opinion means that a woman would go out with just about anyone. I do not even come close to that description. I should be able to find (and keep) a decent guy. I could not even keep the guy I was probably settling for (Mark).

Yes, I think I need another session with my psychic therapist. :0




Edited 10/25/2006 2:05 pm ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:52pm
yeah it's hard for me to explain what i'm looking for. I could point it out if i saw a guy walk by, lol. It's not all about looks, but i do like someone fit, who puts some effort into their appearance. I also like someone who carries themselves a certain way, has a certain ambiance about them...I dont need someone who makes a lot of money either, just someone who has a good job, has been to college. That's what i look for upfront...sadly I'm not finding it. The guy i went out with on sunday had all those characteristics upfront, but of course, I havent heard from him. Like i've said before, I'm beginning to wonder if these guys are simply out of my league. I dont think they are, lol, but I cant seem to find and keep this particular type...i've mentioned i dated someone over the summer who had these traits...i got nexted after about 6 weeks. I think a lot of girls must like these guys too...so they have lots to choose from. A fit guy with a good job who puts effort into his appearance seems to be rare these days? Well that's too bad...I really just wish other guys would step it up a bit. I dont want to sound cliche or conceited and repeat what everyone just said but yes, I do think i'm attractive, not gorgeous in my opinion, but i'm in the gym 4-5 times a week, I wear cute clothes, i have nice hair, wear makeup when i go out...I just want someone who is like me in these areas. I think a lot of peopel feel like me though. They think, hey i'm good looking, I have a good job, good education, good family, nice car, have my own place, etc...why am i still single or cant find someone I feel great about? I have no answer for that one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:38pm

To keep the discussion going here, I will say for the 40th time that I believe many men online do not know what they want. Many "claim" they want a long-term relationship. The reality is that that scares the hell out of most of them. If there is initial attraction (on both sides), the logical next step would be to continue seeing each other. That doesn't mean that it will last for months or years, but it seems like men do not have the staying power for a long-term relationship. Once you start acting like a girlfriend, they quit trying or at least that is my experience with men. With my last guy, he quit "trying" within a matter of weeks. Then when his other stresses in life got to him, it was basically over for he and I. I felt totally short-changed and angry that things turned out the way they did.

But, I am like many who are sick of the whole process. After a while, I felt like I was totally not getting my money's worth on Match and Yahoo, so that was another reason I took time off from the dating sites. I have recently made my profile viewable on both sites but have not gotten any interesting responses. I got one ice breaker from a guy who lives in the same town but has kids still at home (I am gunshy of that now) and no photo. So, I have not re-subscribed in order to respond. I have done that a few times too; signed up in order to correspond with someone who turned out to be unsuitable in many ways.

I guess, deep down, I am more interested in the local guy who is 51 and hangs out at the restaurant I frequent. If he is not scared off, I would like to go out with him before actively pursuing OLD again. But, right now I am not very optimistic about much as far as my love life goes. It does bring me some sense of comfort to know I am not the only one who feels this way. I keep saying NEXT YEAR will be better. So far, I feel like I have just been spinning my wheels with men who were not serious about me. So, I am once again lying low for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 4:15pm

Let's face it, some guy who is desperate enough to try Internet dating isn't likely to be the most interesting man on earth. For starters, who would want to meet online?

My List:
Guys with no friends to meet people through or go out with
Guys who have social anxiety disorder and can't ask women out face-to-face
Guys who don't get out much

If these guys were really cool & interesting, some woman would've snatched them
up a long time ago unless they are living in isolation.

I think people do find good catches on the Internet, guys who are just too busy
with careers or want to try something different, but I think those guys are off
the market pretty fast. SO the guys you are most likely to find online are the ones
who have been there for a while (and been passed up by) lots of other women already.

Why not ask your gfs if they know any cool guys who might not be hooked up yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 4:23pm
obviously they dont have anyone to hook me up with...or i'd be with those people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 5:11pm

Same here. It was after a very disappointing blind date in the spring of 2005 that I decided to try OLD. It was actually facing the reality that there were so few eligible guys around where I lived that caused me to check it out. Believe me, I also have friends who know people, but the liklihood of them knowing someone even remotely suitable (age, background, etc.) is a shot in the dark. I have gone on a number of blind dates over the years. Each time I vowed "never again". I always end up going because I have heard of people who met their spouses through a set-up deal. So, I believe it CAN work. I also believe OLD CAN work. It just has not worked for me.

I continue to believe that many men online are not serious about wanting a long-term relationship. I am not into casual "anything", so for someone to have a profile online to me should mean that they are serious about finding someone. So far, I have found most of the men I dated from OLD to end up being very fickle, unsure, immature and unstable. Initially, I was interested in all but maybe two of them, so I cannot claim the label of being "too picky" as the reason things did not work out. Perhaps a few men are also "picky". It really isn't such a bad label in that it means you have some criteria you expect before getting too involved with someone. But, I seemed to "click" with several of these online guys. However, I am not with any of them today and many were only one or a few dates at best. I feel like I have had enough heartache for a lifetime when it comes to men. To sign up for more by renewing my subscription to Match or Yahoo seems like the farthest thing from my mind at this moment.

Last time I looked the guy I met who said his "sex skills" were his best feature STILL had a profile on both sites. So, yes, the pickings are slim even online.

I think I will wait until after the holidays to try it again--if I decide to.




Edited 10/25/2006 5:14 pm ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 5:23pm
yeah i guess i dont find it all that helpful when people say, dont do online dating, there's no one good on there, they're all losers, etc. FIrst of all, that's not true. The guys i'm meeting are not losers. I met a few guys in bars and through friends actually who turned out to be LOSERS. one guy was an alcoholic, another guy i found out had been on oxycontin at one point (recreational) SO sorry...but there are losers EVERYWHERE. The guys i'm meeting online are good guys, they have good jobs, seem responsible, etc, I'm simply not connecting with them...i admit i thought it would be easier...but i'm not giving up yet. These men have all been polite on the dates, i dont feel that they are just looking to get laid...heck i wish i felt like i wanted to sleep with at least one of these peopel, but i havent!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 1:36am
Hi. I am new here. I came to this board for the same reason. I am so discouraged that now that I have met someone I like, I am freaking out. I literally feel like I can't breath. I am a pretty confident, stable person but I do feel like I have been knocked off the horse one time too many. I am tired. Now I meet this very nice guy, and we have barely began dating, but I am literally afraid. I feel as though I am holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is obviously not a very healthy way to go through things. I just keep telling myself, "he wouldn't be spending time with you if he didn't like you." But every man I have even met in the last two years has not been looking for a serious relationship. I feel like the older I get the less men want (mind you I am under 30.) Maybe it is because as time goes there is more and more pressure. I feel like I am going backwards. I am so afraid not that this guy wont like me so much as he will not want what I want. Ughh. I need a vacation from dating!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:09am

I'm quite a bit older than you (46) but I feel a lot the same way. The difference for me, I believe, is that by the time most people reach their 40's or mid-40's, they SHOULD know what they want out of life, out of a relationship, out of their future. Game playing should be long over with when it comes to dating and that goes for women as well as men.

But, the sad truth is that there are a good number of men who are my age (or older) who still remain "confused" about what they want in a relationship or even if they "want" a relationship at all. Worrying about being alone when they are 65 does not seem to enter their brainwaves whatsoever. If it does, they do not admit to it. Do those same men think they have all the time in the world to meet someone later? Maybe. I know I personally feel like now is the time for me to find someone, to have someone special in my life when I am able to go places and do some things. When I am 15 or 20 years older, I know I am not going to look 46 any longer (although I am told I look a lot younger). A person's health is also an issue as we age. I don't know why men are not thinking more along those lines as well.

I do know a few people well into their 50's who have met and married. I even know a couple where the woman was married twice previously but the man had never been married before--a real oddity as many men who have not married by the time they are in their 40's or 50's are not likely to decide to tie the knot later in life. But, anything can happen. It is that small bit of hope that makes me try to believe that there is someone out there for me. However, with each passing month that stays stagnant in my dating life causes me to fear being alone and lonely when I'm collecting social security. I absolutely do not want that in my later years. In the meantime, I am trying to live my life as best I can without a significant other. Hard as it continues to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:03pm
I'm 45, and although I've met a few players in my brief (since Jan2006) dating experience, I have found men in their mid-late 40's and early 50's to be mostly looking for the next long term relationship. I was trying to not get serious since I had ended a very long term relationship and had never dated before (met my X @14). But I keep meeting guys who want to make me the next Mrs. Whoever. I really think that if you exude that desire to have a relationship, guys interpret it as needy, and if one exudes a feeling of independance, they want to make you their own! My current BF began thinking along the lines of long term goals way before I did. We've been dating one another exclusively for almost 4 months and I'm just starting to feel he may be right.
I also have that fear in the back of my mind that I am only getting older; therefore, my chances of having another long term relationship are dwindling. So many men in their 40's seem to want only women in their 30's or younger. Although I'd prefer to spend the rest of my life with someone I love and respect, I am OK with being alone. I won't stay in a lousy relationship just to avoid loneliness.