feeling discouraged about men in general

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
feeling discouraged about men in general
27
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:56am

No i'm not going to bash men...but i am going to vent a bit. I just felt sort of discouraged last night. I feel like i will never meet anyone that i connect with. Dating used to be so much easier...I cant believe that after going out with 7 or 8 people, not one of them i've wanted to see again. What is it coming to? This never used to happen to me...i pretty much used to be that boy crazy girl to a point. It seems like i've become pickier...i'm worried that if i dont become more open minded about people i will always be alone...at the same time I dont want to settle. I think a lot of it has to do with my ex...we broke up 3 years ago. He was very good looking, and had the type of personality i really like on a guy. He was tall, built, just had a really nice body, nice eyes, had all his hair, his personality was really polite, and he had athletic ability like i've never seen. He could easily run a marathon without training and do better than all his friends who'd spend months training...he was just the ultimate man to me and every guy i meet just doesnt measure up...): I hate feeling that way. I dont think i'll find anyone like my ex...and I shouldnt want to because we didnt work out!

I did date a guy over the summer who had similar qualities (and was even better, lol) than my ex. He wasnt as tall, but he still was good looking, built, athletic, polite and really smart. He was going back to grad school so i knew the whole (8 weeks i knew him) time that he was leaving. i think i acted too clingy of him probably, this was sort of what made me try online dating

I guess i'm finding that a lot of guys online are not what im looking for. I am talking to 3 guys who i could see myself liking, but i feel so discouraged by the past people i've met online. I feel like these guys wont be interested in me or i wont be interested in them. Why do i feel the need to date anyone? Because i'm tired of being alone...i want a partnter...someone i can count on, do fun things with, just have someone there...i've been alone for a while now. I just feel that I will never find this person...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:06pm

Same here as far as settling for someone. I would also rather be alone than be with the wrong guy. I also am very independent and have been for many years. I do not believe that I ever come across as needy to these men, and I certainly have been able to take care of myself financially for about 25+ years. I just think that for some reason I am not meeting the right kind of guy. I do want a long-term relationship, and I do not have to have marriage. I guess that marriage is something that I am considering more now than I used to though due to the reasons I listed previously; growing older, etc. It's just so hard to find a guy you really think you could live with and who ALSO cares about you as much as you care about them.

I think one-sided relationships are very unfair. I have also seen women with men who were nuts over them, and you could tell that the woman was with them just until they found someone better. Commitment is a word that is talked about a lot and some men claim they have no problem with it, but when it gets right down to it, they DO have a problem with it. Whether that means they never want to marry or they simply do not want to feel obligated to one woman, I believe that it shows a lack of maturity and a selfishness on their part if they are dating someone. While some women are also "players", I think there are more men who use and lead on than the other way around.

I am just ready to meet someone who is honest and mature and who is also level-headed. I am beginning to think there are no guys left with those qualities. Until then, I will not settle for just anyone either. I will have to be content with my life and my 2 girl kitties. :)




Edited 10/26/2006 3:09 pm ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 6:01pm
M and I have been together 4 months, but he could flake out tomorrow. I guess that mind set is what keeps me from falling too far too fast. I also have 3 male friends whose wives were the one's who flaked out so I hear a lot of the other side of the coin. My BF and these 3 guys all say they have no interest in casual dating, are looking for an exclusive relationship that may lead to long term commitment, but I think men and women mean different things by a commited relationship and women make that leap of faith more readily than men. We are the ones who work harder at it. I think you are right that there are plenty of people who SAY they want a committed relationship when in fact, they just can't deal with it.
I consider myself lucky to have found M, even though I wasn't looking for something serious at the time we met. But I know if I had been looking for something serious, I would not have given M a chance. I would have written him off as not my type physically. We are commited enough to one another to make it an exclusive relationship, but for the most part we keep our heads in the present, not on future dreams, it's just too soon for forever after. There certainly is the potential for long term, and the longer we are together the more it looks like we will stay together.
I guess I am trying to say, have faith, don't get discouraged. There is someone out there who will rock your world as much as you rock his. Sometimes you have to quit trying and let love come to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:09pm
Dating is tough and the older I get the less I believe that it will be a possibility that I will meet the one. I know I"m not that old but I am 31 pretty much and I do want to have a family. I probably will decide not to have a family if I get past 34 and am still looking for the one. It seems as when people get their lives established and are older and get into their mid-30s and up, they are just so comfortable with being alone that it takes a lot of time and effort to get out there and find a relationship. I know that for me even being single for a year and a half it's become more and more of an effort and more disappointing with each month that goes by. I am going on my 3rd date with someone I met online tonight. I like him and he appears to really like me so I guess I'll see how this goes. I too am scared like another poster mentioned that this won't work either since nothing has worked in the past for me. But I'm crossing my fingers for this one to work out. I just wonder why he wasnt' snatched up quite yet because he "seems" to be a catch but I guess only time will tell if he really is a catch........
Also I know another poster mentioned that there are a lot of losers online. This isn't true, there are just as many losers that you can meet in real life. It's just as hard either way. I have met men in real life but either they weren't available or they just weren't my type. In fact I've met more men online that were smart, responsible, good jobs and good personalities for the most part but for whatever reason it just didn't click with any of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:39pm

Maybe I was meant to see this thread? Fate?


I am supposed to be asleep b/c I am working overnite tonite & I NEVER cant sleep b4 work. Well, i tossed & turned & finally just got up & came to peruse the board. I think I *know* what i cant sleep, b/c Carlos & I are having the "big talk" this weekend - we planned for me to come stay with him & he threw this at me today.


Things have sort of turned up a notch

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:23pm

wow, well that sounds like some serious stuff. I guess you need to decide what you want...I guess i sort of feel like if yiu have to question any of this, then maybe you are not ready. I mean this guy does sound like a really good catch and like he's all that you've been looking for. What is holding you back, the desire to date others?

I would feel happy if i found someone to connect with...i wonder if it will ever happen...but at the same point if it did happen now...i would wonder if there were still others out there for me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 6:15am

Thanks for the advice - I even called my therapist, lol.


So - I have vascilated back & forth - & truth be told, I had a date set up with none-other-than Sean (young Boston guy) for Sat nite!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 10:18am

Let us all know how your talk goes. This guy sounds more sensitive and caring than many I have met thus far. He "sounds" like a keeper, but I understand your hesitation for all the reasons you have listed.

When my long-time bf and I split up over 7 years ago, I kept thinking that my mind was so distorted by what I thought a "normal" relationship should be. I kept thinking if I could ever make the break from him, SURELY there would be someone for me later who was not afraid of commitment and all that was involved in a mature relationship. In other words, I thought most other guys would HAVE to treat me better, would be more willing to work at a relationship and not be selfish in the process.

What I have learned these past few years is that men, no matter what their age or background, can be just as fickle, just as confused, and just as likely to NEVER step up to the plate in a relationship as my ex was. All with a bit differing slant I might add, but they have all lacked the maturity and selflessness that I think it takes to have a successful relationship.

At least you are willing to talk to a therapist about your past dismal relationships and where you are today emotionally. You are willing to deal with life in the reality of now. Many men are not willing to do that. They let fear and "old habits" take over their sense of logic when it comes to women. Most are not willing to even broach the subject of some of the things your guy is wanting to talk about, so that is definitely a plus. I hope your discussion goes well and you will feel more at ease with the relationship somehow. Let us know on Monday how it goes.

P.S. I like the new photos! :)

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