Finally meeting him, but....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Finally meeting him, but....
10
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:57pm
Hi Ladies, I'm new to the board. Glad I found this board because I need advice badly about a guy I met online. Well, he and I met about 2 months ago. He lives in another city 800 miles away. My family happens to live there and I had been planning to move there in December when I met this guy on jdate.com. So, for two months he and I have been talking on the phone and it got to the point where we talk a few times a day sometimes. I have been very interested in meeting him up till this point...it seems like I already know him in person, but I DONT. Lately, he has been pressuring me and acting real serious with me as if we are in a serious relationship! This is absurd because we have not met. We did see each other on our webcams. I have been feeling smothered lately and also wondering why he is acting like we are 'so close'. I have tried to tell him that our talking now is totally casual of course until we actually meet (duh!). He will let up and act casual for a day or so; then he goes back to acting all serious. At this point I am getting so *annoyed* with him... he is presuming too much. Even if we have been dating in person for 2 months, that would still be too soon to act as serious as he is acting. I'm so turned off by his behavior that I almost don't want to meet him anymore. I'm really confused as to what to do and how I feel. He and I definitely have somewhat of a connection on the phone/webcam, but that doesn't mean we are in a relationship for goodness sake. I could honestly just move on and forget about him with the way he is smothering me lately.
What should I do? I'm just so annoyed at this point at his expectations...I feel too much pressure about meeting him now. I'm kind of afraid that he thinks he can just hug me and kiss me or something as if we are already in a relationship. I'm not sure if he quite gets the whole reality that meeting in person, despite how long we have been talking on the phone, will be like meeting for the first time/first date ever.
This guy is also a musician for the city symphony and he works very few hours...he has too much time on his hands, and doesn't really have any other hobbies. I think in the long run I can't be with a person who doesn't have a packed schedule, somewhat more professional. I'm an independent person...so, someone lingering around 24-7 bugs me. Oh, another thing is that when he leaves me a voicemail, he usually doesn't *wait* until I call him back later when I get time...he will try to call me again a few hours later. Ugh!! I told him a few weeks ago that was rude and annoying and that was the reason I wasn't calling him back. THen, he stopped doing it for a while, but now he does it again.
Should I take the three strikes, you're out approach and give him the second warning that he needs to be more casual?
Please help!!! thanks :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:46am

I think you should trust/listen to your gut, your most primal instinct. If he's giving you a bad vibe now, I can only imagine how he'll be in person. Anyone who thinks they *know* you despite never having met in person is clearly not living in reality.

He's already showing signs of co-dependency. Not a good sign at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:57am
MY opinion? I woudlnt meet him in real life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:09am

Hi and welcome to the board!

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:46am

Thanks, Happy, I was thinking he was starting to show signs of co-dependency, too. Gosh, how disappointing that I find a guy who sustained my attention this long to only realize he's a little, well, off.

Actually, thinking back, he told me this story about how he and his last GF broke up. They got passionately close, and then had a big emotional blow-out because he felt like she wasn't there for him when he was going through issues at work. He was so upset that he was always there to listen and be supportive of her, etc. I asked him how long they dated, thinking that he would say 1-2 years...well, he said 3 months!!!! Ai Ai Ai...at the time, I told him that any relationship that starts out hot and heavy, superficially deep, will burn out quicker. apparently he hasn't learned his lesson because that's what he's trying to do with me.

thanks again for your comments. i know i need to follow my gut on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:52am

Rebecca,

You're absolutely right, these issues of his could manifest in a lot more serious way down the road, even possibly emotional/physical abuse.

He called me twice yesterday, and I did not return his call. I'd be meeting him in one week. So, I should probably tell him tonight that I am no longer interested in seeing him. He has annoyed me so much with constantly calling me with me not responding that I will probably just tell him in an email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:03am

cl-Vexer,

I like the idea of giving it ONE more shot, and tell him one more time to back off, but this guy seems void of understanding. It's almost humiliating to have to go there again with someone like this. I also don't want to teach a person that they can keep testing me and get what they want. The fact that he is not respecting me and testing me is wrong, wrong, wrong. Abusers do that whole testing you thing, little by little trying to emotionally assuage you into being what they want you to be.

It's really helped hearing you all's comments about this. I know now that these issues can only get worse not better. I'll be moving on now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:09pm

I'm glad you agree with me on the signs of an abuser. I didnt really want to go into that here, but I will say that I divorced a very abusive X recently, & the CLASSIC signs of an abuser are exactly what you are describing - in the beginning stages. & we all know it only gets worse from there.


Good move. You deserve WAY more than he would ever give you. & i wouldnt be suprised if you have a problem getting rid of this guy. (((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:15pm
Rebecca,
THANK YOU so much for sharing your first hand experience. I've definitely learned in life no matter time or place, you can really help someone prevent a lot of pain by sharing real experience. Thank you again!! I'm so glad you're out there like I am looking for a good man! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:17am
Hi,
Personally, I would move on. If you already feel too much intensity, it will only get worse.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:50pm
hi there, I would have to agree with most of the people who replied, if he is that way now, imagine what will happen down the road, quit while your ahead! I met someone on line about lyr ago, spent around lmonth on the phone together and then finally met eachother, it was nothing like what you are describing... I too am a very independant person and do not like to be smothered... you got his message already, take all your friends advice, good luck, anne