Financial Red Flag?
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| Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:28pm |
OK, so I meet this guy. He's very attractive, charming, well-read, etc, and I got really excited about him asking me out. We've been on a few dates.
He's taken me to some very expensive restaurants for dinner. Really wined and dined me.
Being the fashionista that I am ;) I notice the details. Dege & Skinner suits. Tag watch. Ferragamo shoes.
The reason I point all this out is that after our last date, we went to the park and were just talking and having a nice time, then he got all serious and said there was something he felt he had to tell me, since he could tell I was pretty conservative with my money.
He declared bankruptcy a few months ago! I have a real problem with people who get themselves in debt because they overspend and then expect that debt to be discharged because they don't want to take on a 2nd or even 3rd job and work off WHAT THEY OWE. I don't care if it takes 25 years - you pay it off!
Up until he told me this, I really thought I had found someone I could really enjoy dating and maybe growing a relationship with. He has just about every feature I've ever looked for. (OK, he doesn't like heavy metal, but I can live with that.)
Am I being too hard nosed about this? I was raised to be responsible and not to go into debt. The only loans I have ever had were a mortgage and a car loan, and a small student loan. I can't imagine not paying those off because I thought expensive clothes and living a life of luxury was more important.
Is this a red flag? Does this make him truly damaged goods? I honestly don't know if I can get involved with someone who doesn't take their responsibilities seriously.


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sisfox....
PG isn't crazy about the term "damaged goods!"
People go bankrupt for a lot of reasons and to be honest I know a few people who have higher credit then those who haven’t filed – it can actually help you out in the long run.
I have a similar issue with financially irresponsible folks.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MSI don't think you're being too hard nosed about this at all.
Perhaps the deeper issue you need to look at is his values and how closely they do or do not match your own, esp. with regard to money and how it should be managed. You're thinking with an eye toward the future, which is good. Since it's obvious that he likes the finer things (at least with his wardrobe), how much debt would he be willing to carry in order to maintain that level and style of clothing? Would you be willing to accept him continuing to dress in the manner he does now, should the two of you eventually marry? Or would you expect him to spend less on his clothing so that money could be shifted for a vacation or a big ticket item (house or new car)?
Is he timely with paying his other bills or does he "rob Peter to pay Paul"?
You've got lots to think about. Better to think about it on this side of marriage than the other.
All the best,
Heymum
It might be different if he had learned his lesson and is spending less now and being more frugal, but the fact that he is wining and dining you shows he hasn't learned anything from his past financial mistakes...
It would scare me.....I'd stear clear.
There's a few things that can bring a relationship to its knees--one of those are finances. If you are looking to have a long term relationship and it seems he still has spending issues, then eventually the two of you will clash. There's a few questions that need to be answered:
-Has he changed the behavior that led him into bankruptcy?
-Does he have a stable income that supports his fashion needs?
-If he lost his job tomorrow, would he be able to maintain his lifestyle for a few months?
-Does he have a checking and savings account? Is he saving for the future (401k, IRAs, etc.)?
If you answer no to any of those, then I would be concerned. The biggest fights my ex-husband and I would have were over finances. And I mean it came down to little things, for example how many times he would go to the ATM and lose upwards of 30 dollars a week because he didn't feel like being restricted by a budget and felt it was his right to take $20 out everyday. If you're not on the same page with finances, the differences will rear their ugly heads and destroy the relationship. Fiscal health and outlook are not so negotiable. (Heavy metal is definitely negotiable. :))
Dig a bit deeper into the situation, get the answers you need to the questions you have and go from there. Good luck. Hope this helps.
Why did he declare? What was the cause?
I've had extremelly rich clients declare bankruptcy over a bad real estate investment, ltd partnership, failed business, etc.
Hi,
People here have Such great ideas, and I can see where everyone has a legit point. I DO know that there are 2 things that can really 86 a good relationship, and this is problems with sex or money.
I think it is good he told you of this problem. Is he saying that he is impressing you now,but won't be able to keep up with the Jonses, and continue to wine and dine you in this manner? I think nice things are good, but I do NOT think they 'make the man' or the woman, for that matter. I grew up in a very affluent family, but it was nothing but a 'fake front' for an awful childhood that I would wish on No one, ever.
Good idea: talk to him about this, and then make a decision about whether to see him more. Are you thinking of being exclusive and not dating others? Then, especially,do not just 'let this go', and then find out it is too red flag-ish to bear,when your heart in on the tracks and the train is headed into the station at 100mph!
Good luck!
Truly,
Cupcake
I too think that you should find out why he declared. Also, you're just getting to know him and I think it's too soon to get into long term planning of a relationship. I would take it as just another thing you learned about him and move on.
I may have to declare bankruptcy and if so it would be due to my divorce and not being able to hold my ex accountable for any of the joint debt(long story) I would not appreciate anyone thinking I was terrible person because I had to file as a way to start digging myself out.
Not to mention he may of been laid off for awhile and got behind then, but is now back on his feet and other than the filing things are fine.
Just my 2 cents.
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