Financial Red Flag?
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| Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:28pm |
OK, so I meet this guy. He's very attractive, charming, well-read, etc, and I got really excited about him asking me out. We've been on a few dates.
He's taken me to some very expensive restaurants for dinner. Really wined and dined me.
Being the fashionista that I am ;) I notice the details. Dege & Skinner suits. Tag watch. Ferragamo shoes.
The reason I point all this out is that after our last date, we went to the park and were just talking and having a nice time, then he got all serious and said there was something he felt he had to tell me, since he could tell I was pretty conservative with my money.
He declared bankruptcy a few months ago! I have a real problem with people who get themselves in debt because they overspend and then expect that debt to be discharged because they don't want to take on a 2nd or even 3rd job and work off WHAT THEY OWE. I don't care if it takes 25 years - you pay it off!
Up until he told me this, I really thought I had found someone I could really enjoy dating and maybe growing a relationship with. He has just about every feature I've ever looked for. (OK, he doesn't like heavy metal, but I can live with that.)
Am I being too hard nosed about this? I was raised to be responsible and not to go into debt. The only loans I have ever had were a mortgage and a car loan, and a small student loan. I can't imagine not paying those off because I thought expensive clothes and living a life of luxury was more important.
Is this a red flag? Does this make him truly damaged goods? I honestly don't know if I can get involved with someone who doesn't take their responsibilities seriously.


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Heck no. I don't think you're being 'hard nosed' at all. In fact, if anything, I think the fact that you were alarmed shows just how sensible you are.
Financial irresponsibility is a major red flag for me as well. And I've been with people who were reckless with their money. I also know that bad things sometimes happen to good people too. The road from bankruptcy and debt can take time though, so it's definitely something to consider.
Yes, finances are a biggie. My advice would be to trust your gut. If it doesn't resonate well in your heart, it might not be such a bad idea to follow that feeling.
Edited 5/21/2005 4:00 pm ET ET by skydance2002
Like some of the others said, it is possible that he got into trouble for reasons unrelated to his extravagant lifestyle, and if that were the case this may not indicate financial incompatibility.
However, I tend to think that if he had a "good" reason, he would have told you that and so likely it is just that he lived beyond his means, ran up his credit cards, and when the bills came due he did the "check-is-in-the-mail" dance as long as he could and then headed to bankruptcy court. If that is the case, then the two of you obviously have very different views on how to handle your finances and I would proceed with much caution, if at all. Btw, if this had happened many years ago and he had learned his lesson it would be different; but it was only a few months ago and here he is taking you to expensive restaurants - if he had truly learned his lesson, I tend to think he would be cutting back a bit on that kind of stuff.
Finances are a huge issue w/me too and I dont' think you are being hard nosed. But I do believe you should get all the "facts" before saying good bye.. It could be a number of reasons and if it was in the past let it stay there. It takes 7 years to come off. But if this is something he has not dealt w/ and is still not managing his money well then I would say huge red flag as we know he already has spending problems. But you should get more information before making a decision.
Finances are one of the number one reasons why people end up separated/divorced .. This is something that needs to be out in the open right away.
I am very picky about this I have a nice place to live, nice things, nice car and manage my money very well. I believe one of my strengths. I could not be w/ a person that did not value $$$ like I do and also not have a good credit report. I kidded to a date once that I would want a credit report before we went any further.. I know that is pushing it a bit far but if you end up serious and want to marry and buy a house and raise kids and put them through college you both need good credit. Bad credit can screw you in a lot of ways. MY company will not hire you w/ bad credit.
Just my opinion
Good luck
I think your own message indicates that to you, there are "valid" reasons for being in debt troubles, and reasons that are less "valid".
Like nearly everyone has pointed out, it could be that his reasons for doing the bankruptcy route are good ones. He might have had a death in the family that affected him somehow, or in his business. I knew a guy whose business partner got cancer and died in about three months, out of the blue in his 40s, and POW just like that the business was shot- neither one of them would've been able to run it without the other.
He might have had bad luck in business and gotten crushed by some kind of competition or rules change by the government. Sometimes they make a new law and suddenly the business can't compete economically.
On the other hand, it might well be that he ran up a bunch of bills and then just couldn't pay them off.
The point is that declaring bankruptcy, in and of itself, isn't a horrendous sign of a personal failing. It doesn't automatically mean that someone is irresponsible with debt or are simply trying to skip out on their obligations (one form of bankruptcy forces the declarer to set up and carry out a plan to pay off as much of those obligations as possible).
I think it's a "yellow" flag- one that you might want to watch, but without really getting to know someone and their cash flow situation you can't really tell if they're being irresponsible with their money.
(And of course, what one person calls "irresponsible" might be totally normal to someone else- for example, I like TAG watches, too, but I think they're a waste of money when there's plenty of cheaper ones that keep time and look just as good.)
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