Find the partner you want...
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| Thu, 06-23-2005 - 9:46pm |
I found this article interesting from Yahoo Personals. Sunshine
Find the partner you want: Make a list and check it twice
By Marilyn Graman, Special to Yahoo! Personals
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to choose what you want in a partner and get it, like ordering food in a restaurant? "I'll take one caring person who is ready to have a long-term relationship and wants to cherish me. And can I have a side of a large bank account, please, and I'll finish with a sports fan who's athletic. Hmm, what do I want to drink? How about a pint of likes to travel. Thanks, and oh, I'm kind of in a hurry so can you ask the chef to put in my order ASAP?"
When you eat out, you read the menu, get clear about what you want, then order it. Magically, it comes to you. What if you could do the same when it comes to choosing a good partner for yourself? Of course you can't just choose a partner from a menu, yet you do have a lot more choice than you may realize. You are making choices all the time, either actively or passively.
How to Interview a Potential Partner
Interviewing is a way to discover how a potential partner fits in with what you want. It doesn't mean sitting them down and going through your lists on the first date. That would surely scare anyone off! It does mean keeping your lists in mind as you go out on a date and steering the conversation toward topics that are important to you.
For effective interviewing:
1. Buy a notebook to record your dating experiences.
2. Make your five lists.
3. Read your lists before you go out with someone.
4. Put your lists and notebook where you'll land when you come home.
5. While you're out, be observant. Notice how your date acts and what he or she says. Ask a lot of questions and steer the conversation toward subjects you want to find out about, and don't forget to have fun!
6. When you get home, record your impressions in your notebook. Write as many details as you can remember as objectively as you can. If you find the person appealing, remember to stay awake to your lists.
7. Check what you know about the person compared to your six "musts." You will come up with one of three conclusions:
a.) He or she fits all six. In that case, refer to your "very importants" and "must nots." If the person is not your type but has all six "musts," give him or her a chance and go out with them again.
b.) He or she doesn't fit all six. Do not go out with that person again.
c.) You don't have enough information and need to go out with him or her once or twice more to see how it fits for you.
8. Check your other lists.
9. Read your lists daily, at a time when you're relaxed and can let them sink in.
10. Expect to meet him or her, knowing they'll come into your life. Keep your heart open.
So if you've been making choices all along, why don't you already have what you want in a partner? Perhaps it's because, like many of us, you haven't realized that you need to clarify what you want before you can choose well for yourself. When you order food from a menu, you know that you need to specify what kind of salad dressing you want or how rare you'd like your steak. Otherwise, you'll have to take what the kitchen sends you. It's the same with relationships. When you get clear about what you desire, you open the way for it to come to you. When it comes to you, you will be able to recognize it and receive it.
Finding the partner who will make you happy is one of the most important things in life. Why leave it up to chance, fate, or a blind date? You wouldn't choose a job, a school, or a house without being clear about your desires and doing a lot of research. Why not give yourself the same advantage when choosing the person you want to share your life with? You can draw toward you the partner and the relationship you desire simply by clarifying what is important to you and making good choices for yourself.
Exercise your power of choice
My method of making lists and interviewing allows you to get clear about what you want in a partner, then exercise your power of choice to have what you want. It's simple and the results can be stunning. Thousands of women have already used this system to have what they want with a man. Now men and women can use it to attract the partner you've been yearning for. First, throw away that written or mental list of a partner's ideal qualities. Everyone has a list like that, whether it's in your head or in a notebook. Don't we? Do you want a man who looks Harrison Ford or a woman who looks like Halle Barry? How about a marathon runner who wants to watch sports five hours a day, never complains about housework, has a great sense of humor and an IQ of 175, loves dogs, speaks five languages, and brings in a six-figure income? Whatever your ideal, it's time to get real. Then you can attract the walking, talking, real-life human being you want into your life.
How can you do this? By making the following five heartfelt lists that reflect your true desires and priorities. These lists allow you to be focused about what you want. They will help you let go of the ideal picture you've been holding and get realistic about what will bring you happiness. You won't find an ideal out there, but you can find a real human being who will make you happy -- when he or she is treated well, understood, loved, and appreciated.
These five lists will change the way you approach dating and relationships. It is important to keep your heart open to yourself as you make your lists. Gaining clarity is a loving thing to do for yourself because it allows you to attract and recognize the partner you desire. Before writing, breathe a few times with your hand on your heart so you can connect with what's loving for yourself. Do the lists in pencil until you're sure you've got them right, then write them in pen.
After they're written in pen, they are set in stone. They represent what you want, and you owe it to yourself to stick to them. You can have what you want when you make your lists, stick to them, and use the answers to interview potential partners.
List #1: The Six "Musts"
The six "musts" are the attributes a potential partner absolutely must have for you to consider him or her. If a person doesn't have these qualities, you will eventually leave the relationship. Getting clear about your "musts" can save you a lot of heartache. How many people have had their hearts broken because their partner doesn't want to get married and they do, or their partner doesn't want to have children and they do?
If you want to get married and have children, those are two of your "musts." If you want someone who shares your religion, that would be a third "must." If you want someone with a certain amount of financial stability, that's a fourth "must." The remaining "musts" might have to do with where someone lives, how much time they can spend with you, their moral code, whether or not they already have children by a former partner, or whatever is of supreme importance to you.
Your "musts" are the deal breakers -- you know what they are. If you wouldn't break up with someone because of it, it's not a "must." Your "musts" are the key when you're out there meeting people and finding out about them. Knowing your "musts" will keep you from getting trapped into thinking, "It doesn't matter," "He'll change," or "She'll be different with me." "Musts" come from a heartfelt place of knowing and trusting yourself. It's important to list six of them -- no more and no less. Six is a reasonable number that a person can be expected to live up to, without being overly picky or not discerning enough. More than six, and you may be scared. Less than six, and you might not be taking care of yourself. Once you have written down your six "musts," love yourself enough to stick with them. If you go out with someone appealing who has three of your "musts," you might be tempted to change the rest. But before you say blithely, "Oh, I didn't really want to have children anyway," and cross it off your list know that you will eventually break up over this.
The bottom line is this: Steer clear of people who don't have all your "musts" no matter how attractive you find them. It is an act of self-love to refuse to see someone again who will eventually break your heart. Don't wait six months, get really attached, then break up. Save yourself the time and the heartache. You don't need to sell yourself short. There is always someone else waiting just around the corner. You can choose to live in the belief that the partner you want is waiting for you. As a wise woman used to say, "Lovers are like streetcars, there's always another one coming!"
List #2: The Ten "Very Importants"
The ten "very importants" are exactly that, they are very important to you but not necessarily deal-breakers. It may be very important that she own a house, for example. But if she fits almost all your other criteria and is currently renting an apartment, you might be able to overlook the fact that she's not a homeowner. Or it may be very important that he has a college degree. But if he is highly articulate, well-read, and educated, it may not matter that he doesn't have a BA. Still, you don't want to give in too easily on your "very importants." They are, after all, attributes that will make you happy.
List #3: The Six "Must Nots"
The six "must nots" highlight your pitfalls. Your pitfalls are your Achilles heel -- the patterns you've been hurt by. If you're not sure what those are, take some time to reflect on the things that happen to you over and over in relationships. Do you get involved with people who want to control you? Then one of your "must nots" would be, "Must not be overly controlling." If you have a pattern of attracting partners with alcohol or drug problems, one of your "must nots" would be, "Must not be a substance abuser."
When you go out with someone, you'll want to be precisely in the moment so you can be aware of your pitfalls. If you're not awake in the moment it is easy to fall into an old pattern without realizing it. "This one's not like all the others," you may think, without realizing that he or she is angry at the opposite sex just like the others were. If you are awake, you will be present enough to realize that he's talking badly about his ex-wife or she's being disparaging about her father. Later, when you sit down and compare that person to your list, it will help you see you are approaching a pitfall. Beware!
List #4: Unlimited "Wouldn't It Be Nice If...."
This list is for all the attributes you'd enjoy a partner having, but that are not deal breakers, pitfalls, or very important. They're the "extras," the icing on the cake. If he or she didn't have them it wouldn't make or break your decision to get involved. Have fun with these. "Wouldn't it be nice if he had a sporty car? Wouldn't it be great if she liked to sail?" The more specific you can get, the more likely it is that you'll attract someone with many of these extra qualities.
List #5: Envisioning Five Scenarios
Envisioning means putting forth a picture of how you'd like your relationship to be. Make a list of five scenarios or situations you'd like to share with a partner. Do you want to cook dinners together, travel to exotic places, learn to tango, spend time with your extended family, or work on artistic projects? Make sure the situations you think of are ones you want to have in your life. If you want to get married, live with someone, or have children, include those scenarios in your list. Then, when you go out with someone, try envisioning him or her in those situations with you. If you can't see it, there is a good chance that person is not right for you. This is not foolproof, it's simply another way of trying someone out. When you envision, you are using your natural psychic ability or your intuition. It's amazing how often your intuition is right.
Making New Choices
Alexis met Will after making her lists and getting clear about what she wanted. Will didn't have the polished manners and suave style of dressing Alexis was accustomed to in the men she dated. He wore jeans and T-shirts, and he preferred down-home cooking to gourmet restaurants. After she got home from their date, however, Alexis realized she'd had a really good time. She checked her list and saw that so far, Will fit the qualities that were important to her. When he called the next day, she agreed to go hiking with him that weekend. The hike included a homemade picnic that Will had thoughtfully packed. They sat in a mountain meadow, talking and laughing for hours. When Alexis checked her lists later that evening, she was clear that Will fit all her six "musts." After a third date, she realized that he also had many of her ten "very importants," and didn't have any of her "must nots." In fact, he was everything she wanted in a man, T-shirts and all.
"I didn't think he was attractive at first," Alexis admits today. "But I loved myself enough to give him a chance because I saw that he could give me what I wanted. We've been married eight years now, and he gets sexier and sexier every day!"
Making your lists and interviewing gives you the clarity to choose well. You may be surprised at how your choices begin to change. Instead of dating someone simply because you're attracted, you will be consciously choosing someone who is good for you and can give you what you want. That doesn't mean someone you find attractive won't be good for you. It does mean being open to going out with someone you might be only slightly attracted to but who fits your lists. Attraction can grow when someone fits what you want in a partner. Giving a chance to someone who suits your desires is more self-loving than staying with someone who's very appealing but doesn't meet your "musts."
Keith's story
Keith always went for women with dark hair and blue eyes. He found the combination wildly attractive and had never given much thought to how or why he chose the women he did.
However, none of his relationships lasted more than a couple of years, and though he wanted to get married he hadn't yet found a woman he wanted to share his life with long-term. One night at a bar, Keith's buddy Nick nudged him and said, "Hey, why don't you ask out that redhead in the corner? She is really good-looking and she's been eyeing you all night." Keith peered across the dance floor and caught the woman's eye. She smiled at him and he turned away quickly. "Oh, no, I could never date a redhead," he said dismissively.
"Why not?" Nick asked.
"Because…" Keith hesitated, then realized he didn't have a good answer. He shrugged.
"They're just not my type."
The next day, Keith found himself thinking about the redhead. He realized that she'd had an open, friendly smile. Why couldn't he consider going out with her? Then it hit him, his mother and three sisters all had dark hair and blue eyes. As the youngest in the family and the only boy, it was no wonder that he'd grown up thinking all attractive women had similar characteristics. Perhaps there were a lot of women like the redhead that he hadn't been noticing. He'd been automatically weeding them out before giving them a chance, simply because of their hair and eye color. If he could start noticing different women, he might find the one he wanted to marry after all.
Having what you want in a partner means being willing to turn your back on your old patterns of selection. Like Keith, you have on some level been choosing people who are "your type." Why are they your type? It's worth examining. Then, check your lists again to remember what's really important to you. It may be that someone who's not your "type" could fit all your lists and make you very happy. On the other hand, someone who is your "type" may not necessarily be good for you. Loving yourself and knowing you deserve what you want will give you the strength to stop seeing someone who doesn't fit your "musts" -- even if you find them very attractive.
Once you get clear, you can be awake enough to recognize the partner of your dreams when he or she shows up. It's not difficult, it just takes a willingness to stay aware in the moment, stay connected with your heartfelt desires, and receive what comes your way. As you review your lists, keep your heart open and your view optimistic. Thinking, "I'll never have this," sabotages the whole process. Allow yourself to believe that the relationship you want is out there. There is an abundance of people like you who are seeking meaningful, fulfilling relationships. If the one you meet today isn't right for you…remember, "There's always another one coming!"
It's going to happen, it's just a matter of time.
Quick Help for Having the Relationship You Want
You can make conscious choices instead of relying on attraction, chance, or fate.
Getting clear about what you want can save you a lot of time and heartbreak.
Making your lists and sticking to them is a loving thing to do for yourself. o Staying awake and aware in the moment is a way to have things be different.
Be open to noticing people you may never have noticed before.
Be aware of being critical and hard to please.
Be willing to look at patterns that may have hurt you.
If you go for the ones you've always gone for, you'll likely have the same result you've always had.
Just because someone is appealing doesn't mean they're right for you.
Making new choices means turning your back on what's not good for you.
You have the power to attract the partner and the relationship you want.

Excellent article, thanks for sharing! Some of my favorite highlights:
** "When you order food from a menu, you know that you need to specify what kind of salad dressing you want or how rare you'd like your steak. Otherwise, you'll have to take what the kitchen sends you. It's the same with relationships. When you get clear about what you desire, you open the way for it to come to you. When it comes to you, you will be able to recognize it and receive it."
** "The bottom line is this: Steer clear of people who don't have all your "musts" no matter how attractive you find them. It is an act of self-love to refuse to see someone again who will eventually break your heart."
** "Once you get clear, you can be awake enough to recognize the partner of your dreams when he or she shows up. It's not difficult, it just takes a willingness to stay aware in the moment, stay connected with your heartfelt desires, and receive what comes your way."