Finding out what he's looking for ...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Finding out what he's looking for ...
33
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:39pm

So I've had a bit of success with the online dating thing. I've been seeing someone for a little over a month. Our first date was on June 5. On our fifth date things got a bit more intimate than I wanted. This happened again on the sixth date. While I see the advantage of waiting, I just can never seem to do it ... We haven't actually had intercourse ... no clothes taken off ... no oral sex. (Sorry to get so graphic.)(We're talking third base here, for those of you who are 1950's minded.)

I'm appealing to the board because I'm really clueless about these things. What's a good way to find out if the man I'm seeing is interested in a serious relationship or just a fling? He's acting like he wants a serious relationship. He asks me out early in the week, takes me out, pays, opens doors for me, and has started calling every day. But I'm really not sure what he's looking for exactly because we haven't discussed it.

We also haven't discussed our prior relationships. Maybe that would be a good start. I just don't know. I'm afraid if I ask for a relationship too soon that he'll bolt. But then again, if he does, maybe I don't want him, right? I'd like to get to know him better and given our recent activity I'd like to be exclusive. Is it too soon to ask for that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 11:11pm

I think that if you have managed to dodge the "I bullet" until now you should keep him waiting.

And of course you should know about his intentions for exclusivity - what he wants and if he is wanting an LTR before you succumb - you should also ask about prior relationships.

Get all that out in the open and know where you stand. Sometimes you can get a guy to talk about that on his own with a little prompting.

Ask him how he would feel about you dating other people. That should get the ball rolling!

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:31am

Thanks for your advice, west. I can't quite imagine saying, "How would you feel about my dating other people?" because I'm too afraid he'd say, "Go ahead. Knock yourself out." And that would just make me feel utterly deflated. What's a good way to begin a conversation about his intentions or what he's looking for? What do people usually say? Do I just come out and say, "So, what kind of a relationship are you looking for?" or would it be better to get a sense of his experiences with online dating? One friend of mine has suggested that might be a way to start.

I don't know. I think I have finally learned my lesson now. I just can't have any level of physical intimacy, aside from kissing, because it totally clouds my judgment. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'd like to get married. I'm ready for it. So I have no idea how I could let this go on for so long without trying to figure out what he's looking for.

And the fact that I don't know, that he hasn't told me yet, probably isn't a good sign. That's my gut. All the more reason to have a talk I suppose. Better to find out now rather than later that he's just not into a long term relationship. That way, I can get back out there and find someone I can marry, who'll want to marry me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 11:56am
Interesting you mention that. The guy that I've been out with three times kinda brought it up himself the other night! While we didn't go into the "what do you want" issue, we did have a talk about past relationships, sex, etc. He did say he wanted to take things slow and I asked what he meant. He said not rushing in to using the "L" word too soon (Love). And I agreed telling him about a guy I had gone out with and told me he loved me 2 days after we met! yeah, right! I, too, would like to just come out and ask "what are we doing here!??" but don't want to scare him off. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Avatar for phoenixmama
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 12:21pm

Talking about prior relationships might be a good start, it worked for me this time around.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 12:21pm

I just have to shake my head at the way (some) men think. I mean, isn't it a little too late to "take things slow" in your situation ;-)? To me, that means not sleeping together right away and getting to know each other other first, LOL! So I'd be skeptical of him saying NOW that he wants to take things slow.

In any event, you can't "scare off" someone who's right for you, because he will be on the same page and want the same things. Besides, a simple question about what type of relationship he's looking for, in general, is not going to be "scary" to a man who seriously WANTS a long-term relationship...it's only going to be "scary" to a man who doesn't...and wouldn't you rather know that NOW than further down the road, when you're even more attached?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 12:23pm

If you feel that statement would make him say go ahead then you should NOT have sex with him!!

I think you could wait for a spontaneous moment to bring up the status of your relationship with him.

Personally, when he started to go to 3rd base I would ask him flat out - what does this mean? I can't have casual sex - I have to know that a guy is into me and willing to be with only me. Period. No negotiation, no regrets.

If you don't have that, then you have nothing. And if you have a question in your mind and then have sex you have scary, you have regrets, you have a hurt heart and then you might still have nothing. You might also have a disease.

Think about all of your past mistakes. Hold back your heart. And find out his intentions. The thing is, that you want a LTR leading to marriage. You want the real thing - and that is with him or without him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:31pm

I need to have this conversation with the guy I've been seeing for a month and I'm extremely nervous about it because I'm afraid I've scared guys off in the past. I think we're both on the same page, but of course since we haven't talked about it, I don't really know. He told me he took his profile down because he's "retired from dating." This weekend I'm going to follow the great advice on this thread and try to broach the subject.

Or, better still, Sheri, can you come out here and ask him for me? I realize you're in Seattle and I'm in DC. It's not that far :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:41pm

NO.. NO.. NO.. lol... DO NOT ask, "How would you feel about my dating other people?". He will interpret that as you having someone else on the line.

DO NOT ask, "So, what kind of a relationship are you looking for?". That is one of those vague chick-questions that makes every guy cringe. Our only thought is *...ok.. what's the best reply to her question that won't turn this into an issue or a discussion*.

Here's what I suggest... During a very casual moment (driving, sitting on the patio/couch... BUT NOT in bed) say this, "My girlfriend Betty was in a store yesterday and got asked out by a guy. She told him he had a boyfriend and so that was the end of it. That got me thinking. What if I got asked out by some guy? What do you think I should say?"

Then be quiet and let him answer.

What you have just done is given him the perfect opportunity to 'declare' yourselves an exclusive couple. If he really wants exclusivity with you he'll jump on this.

If he says, "I dunno. What do you want to say?" he most likely isn't into you much.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 2:12pm

Teehee! Hey, if I wasn't traveling to Denver this weekend for my grandmother's memorial service, sure, I'd come out to DC and ask for you ;-).

Actually, I've never really been all that nervous about asking that question, UNLESS I had an inkling that he didn't want the same things and was afraid to confirm that (and it has almost always turned out that my gut instinct was right). To me, it's just something to find out up front, so I don't waste time with someone who's not looking for the same thing. It's a pretty matter of fact conversation. But that's part of the reason I now ask on the first couple of dates, before my emotions get too involved. But for you, that's a moot point, so just bite the bullet and get it overwith. Something as simple as, "hey, I realized we've never really talked about what each of us is looking for in a relationship. At this point in my life, I'd like to find a serious LTR with the right man, and ideally, I would like to get married again. How about you?"

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 2:13pm

Hi john! Always great to 'hear' from you.

Thanks for the advice. I cringed a little at the Betty part -- isn't that being coy (which I'm incapable of being)?

Is there a Plan B, one that is more direct but not scary?

Thanks!

amjay

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