Finding out what he's looking for ...
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| Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:39pm |
So I've had a bit of success with the online dating thing. I've been seeing someone for a little over a month. Our first date was on June 5. On our fifth date things got a bit more intimate than I wanted. This happened again on the sixth date. While I see the advantage of waiting, I just can never seem to do it ... We haven't actually had intercourse ... no clothes taken off ... no oral sex. (Sorry to get so graphic.)(We're talking third base here, for those of you who are 1950's minded.)
I'm appealing to the board because I'm really clueless about these things. What's a good way to find out if the man I'm seeing is interested in a serious relationship or just a fling? He's acting like he wants a serious relationship. He asks me out early in the week, takes me out, pays, opens doors for me, and has started calling every day. But I'm really not sure what he's looking for exactly because we haven't discussed it.
We also haven't discussed our prior relationships. Maybe that would be a good start. I just don't know. I'm afraid if I ask for a relationship too soon that he'll bolt. But then again, if he does, maybe I don't want him, right? I'd like to get to know him better and given our recent activity I'd like to be exclusive. Is it too soon to ask for that?

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John, that helps for the exclusivity part, but it still doesn't cover what type of relationship he wants. I've known and heard about guys who were perfectly willing to date exclusively, but they didn't want a serious LTR, they just wanted sex and companionship and were willing to date exclusively in order to get that.
As I said in my post to Carrie, I've never really had a problem with using the approach of telling the guy what I want and asking him what he wants. Of course, he could lie to you and say he wants an LTR, but that's a whole 'nother issue...and that's part of why I prefer to date someone for a couple months before becoming exclusive, so I can have a chance to see whether they appear to keep their word, etc.
Sheri
We got into this a couple of months ago, over the LTR/marriage question, remember? That time some of us were saying it's ok to ask in a general way ... that we're not expecting the guy to tell us how he feels about us necessarily. We'd just like to get a general sense of what kind of relationship he wants first. I think you had trouble with that last time too. (Granted, it's best to ask this question early on, in the second or third date, before it appears to be personal.)
Thanks for your suggestion, John. It still basically sounds pretty close to asking, "How would you feel about my seeing other people?" and/or a veiled version of "What does our relationship mean to you?" or "What am I to you?" But maybe guys just need it veiled that way. So maybe I'll take your advice. I can say someone at work got asked out by a client ...
It does sound like he would see straight through it. Pretty transparent, isn't it? Don't guys prefer directness?
but I know what you're saying. He has told me that in the past he has jumped into the 'living together' thing quickly, too. Which won't happen with me since we're 3 hrs away and I have a son!! I do wonder if he just wants companionship and sex...but I'm trying not to overanalyze everything and just take it for what's going on now.
I need to take the advice here and try to bring up the 'talk' the next time I see him. But I feel like the original poster said, it'll only be a month.
Well, that would be pretty "right away" to me! My preference these days is to wait until we've dated steadily for about 2 months before getting physical, but to each his or her own...I'm just saying, sleeping together on the 2nd date is NOT "going slow" by any stretch of the imagination, so I just thought it was funny for him to say he wanted to "go slow".
Sheri
Hi Ann Marie! Surely you must have at least one friend (with a boyfriend) who was asked out. It really doesn't matter if it was 10 years or 10 minutes ago, does it?
:)
True, Sheri... and I only meant to cover the exclusivity part. I still find the What Do You Want-question awkward to answer. On the other hand, if YOU were to ask ME that question right now... I could answer Marriage without a hesitation. But you and I would both know that we weren't talking about to EACH OTHER. But if we WERE dating each other, the question becomes very personal. I mean c'mon.... a gal you are dating asks a 'loaded' question like that? *shuddddderr*
You said, "I've never really had a problem with using the approach of telling the guy what I want and asking him what he wants."
I believe that.
With your commonsense-approach and wisdom and articulation I bet you could ask a first-date if he wanted to get married RIGHT NOW, and word it like you asked him "Get any rain yesterday?" But most of us can't properly ask... nor correctly respond to... some of the more difficult questions when they take place early on.
Your welcome.
:)
I disagree that "It still basically sounds pretty close to asking, 'How would you feel about my seeing other people?'."
In fact to me it's nowhere close.
But I agree 100% when you said, " (it's) a veiled version of 'What does our relationship mean to you?' or 'What am I to you?' But maybe guys just need it veiled that way."
And again 100% here: "It does sound like he would see straight through it. Pretty transparent, isn't it?"
Yeah... even if we don't figure it out right away it eventually dawns on us.
You asked, "Don't guys prefer directness?" Sure, but they are some cases where coyness works better than directness.
In my experience a guy who isn't afraid of commitment can say he's looking for a marriage or LTR and not feel threatened by the question. I once asked a guy that on our third date how he felt about marriage. I made it clear that I wasn't asking about the two of us getting married, that I just wanted to know if he was up for it. His response was that he was interested in marriage.(Four months later he proposed, but that's a whole other story.)
I have been with several men over the years who loved me and wanted to be with me but didn't want to marry for one reason or another. It's not that they didn't want to marry me, they just didn't want to marry at all. None of them is married today and they're all in their 50's. They just ain't gonna do it. One was upfront about it from the get-go. The others weren't quite so clear and caused me a lot of pain. But long story short, the best (and longest) relationship I ever had was with the guy who said he was indeed interested in marriage. He didn't take it personally, and we had just had sex ... so ...
It's a tough question to ask AFTER you've become physically intimate. So I'm with Sheri about asking it early on when the guy is more likely to be honest because there's nothing to lose. I'm also with Sheri on waiting at least two months to become sexual (but haven't managed to achieve that yet ... ) I really blew it this time by not asking.
On the other hand, what are some arguments against saying anything? Anyone in favor of just letting the relationship take its course and seeing where it goes naturally? Just allowing the guy to take the lead?
Well, I have to show deference to your experience (and also the other women with similiar successes). I was only speaking from my viewpoint. I do think that there are many guys out there that share my same viewpoint.
I REALLY like your last paragraph.
So you think it's a good idea to just go with the flow, eh? But surely you must agree that if a guy doesn't bring up being exclusive or committed or whatever after a few months, let's say three, that the woman just HAS to say something at that point, dontcha think? I mean how long can we wait?
Also, why does it scare you? I mean why would it put you off if a woman you had seen six times asked what kind of relationship you wanted? Why does it make you feel like you have to tell her what she wants to hear? What is so scary about it anyway? Is it because if the woman's asking that question it's usually because you're not that into her because if you were she'd know it and wouldn't have to ask that question? So if you're honest you risk losing her?
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