Finding out what he's looking for ...
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| Mon, 07-11-2005 - 8:39pm |
So I've had a bit of success with the online dating thing. I've been seeing someone for a little over a month. Our first date was on June 5. On our fifth date things got a bit more intimate than I wanted. This happened again on the sixth date. While I see the advantage of waiting, I just can never seem to do it ... We haven't actually had intercourse ... no clothes taken off ... no oral sex. (Sorry to get so graphic.)(We're talking third base here, for those of you who are 1950's minded.)
I'm appealing to the board because I'm really clueless about these things. What's a good way to find out if the man I'm seeing is interested in a serious relationship or just a fling? He's acting like he wants a serious relationship. He asks me out early in the week, takes me out, pays, opens doors for me, and has started calling every day. But I'm really not sure what he's looking for exactly because we haven't discussed it.
We also haven't discussed our prior relationships. Maybe that would be a good start. I just don't know. I'm afraid if I ask for a relationship too soon that he'll bolt. But then again, if he does, maybe I don't want him, right? I'd like to get to know him better and given our recent activity I'd like to be exclusive. Is it too soon to ask for that?

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I think "going with the flow" is a great idea if you're, say, 25 and have all the time in the world to find a mate!
OR, if you truly don't CARE what type of relationship it ends up being, that could work too.
But for those of us who aren't 25 any more and who know we don't want to date just to date, I don't think it's a luxury we have.
Sheri
Uh, thanks...I think, LOL!!!
It's really not rocket science...I'm not sure why anyone couldn't do it.
And I honestly don't understand why it seems like a "loaded" question...it's just a straightforward, information-gathering exercise--What type of relationship are you looking for? I mean, who on earth is going to think that it means "to each other" when you barely KNOW each other??? You'd really have to think the woman asking it was total idiot, in order to think that, wouldn't you???
Sheri
I think you should definitely talk about what you want with regards to exclusivity/having a relationship/being an SO/ BEFORE sex.
I would clearly state, "I am NOT into casual sex." "I have to have a relationship that reasonably seems to work for both parties and appears to be able to be happy over the long term before I can be comfortable being intimate." You want to have fun getting to know each other outside of the bedroom and developing trust and a good friendship and good other activitities.
Part of this has to be you holding out on the sex to go past the 3 month mark. I think once you get over that initial boundary it is very easy and time passes quickly.
I would also state that while I would like to consider marriage again someday it is not a rush. I don't think you should make him feel pressured this early on about marriage.
I think what guys DON"T like is that you want marriage so bad you will push them - regardless of who they are or how you really get along in a couple of years - for the goal of marriage. I think you need at least a year or two to decide marriage.
I don't think you should go with the flow unless you are okay to just be a booty call girl.
My babysitter has actually said she won't sleep with a guy until she is married. And the guy she is with said she is worth the wait - he has actually stepped up his schooling. The reason is that she is young and has a strong Christian faith. She made the comment that she is going to date a lot of people before she marries - she would not want to have sex with all of them. I think she makes a good point with that last statement.
Now I know everyone here would say they wouldn't get married to someone unless they have had sex first. But my point is that you have to set a boundary - it is up to the woman to do that. A man respects a woman who sets boundaries and is honest and can communicate her needs in a non-offensive, positive and personable manner.
Additionally, if a man is "into you" he will respect what you want. He would rather know these thoughts going around in your head than find out after the fact. I think you would feel the same way, too?
"I think "going with the flow" is a great idea if you're, say, 25 and have all the time in the world to find a mate!"
Sheri, while I agree with you on this for the most part, I think it's okay to go with the flow for at least a LITTLE more than a month, sex or 6 dates or whatever. I believe at the one month point you should definitely know that you are both looking for the same TYPE of relationship, but to ask for exclusivity before 2 or so months is kind of demanding. And sorry, the sex isn't any kind of qualifier here -- one month is one month is one month, and it's just not very long, no matter what has transpired in that timeframe.
Tracy
You bring up a good point, Tracy. I think everyone has their own feeings about how sex mixes into casual dating.
For me - they don't mix. I have really taken the time to educate myself on this matter. Sex for a woman is very different than sex for a man. There is research that indicates that women get emotionally attached - whereas for the man it is a physical need and relief. I confuse passion with love. When I am having sex I feel too attached for how it should really be in the beginning and I get too clingy - paranoid when he doesn't call - stuff like that.
I would rather go slow and go with the flow and see how it goes WITHOUT the sex clouding my judgement and making me crazy in the beginning. Allow us to develop a friendship and build fun things to do that don't center around sex.
Also, there is the issue of disease and unplanned pregnancy - no matter how careful - these can happen. I am not willing to take those risks without exclusivity and a relationship. The exclusivity part is spoken - but the relationship is "observed" - it is moving forward, fun, feels safe and I develop trust.
So my plan is to go with the flow. But I am surely going to set a boundary with the sexual intimacy. I would not feel comfortable being a sperm receptacle while a guy figures out if he wants exclusivity with me.
But that is just me - I do realize that others want to have sex as part of a casual dating process - to each his own - and that is what makes this board interesting!! I say this because I know I have a strong opinion - and it is developed on the school of hard knocks and much research and online dating and self growth. But I don't want to step on any toes or seem like I am attacking. Not at all.
We must all have fun with our journey!! :-)
Sorry to not be clear Tracy...I told the OP in chat Monday night that personally, I thought it was too soon to be talking about exclusivity (leaving aside the physical issue), but that she should definitely find out whether they are on the same page with respect to what type of relationship they want. So that's what I was talking about in my post...finding that out, not exclusivity.
And also for me personally, the sex WOULD be a qualifier...I'm not comfortable having sexual activity without being exclusive, which is why I wouldn't be doing anything more than kissing at this point. But if I *were* to go further, it would only be after having had a discussion and agreement about dating exclusively regardless of how long we'd been dating.
Sheri
Very provocative thread.
Reading all the posts reminded me of a guy I dated several months ago. He asked me on our first date what I was looking for. He said the last woman he dated just wanted to date; she wasn't interested in a LTR or marriage. And since he was very interested in those things, he wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
No guy had ever asked me that, at any point in the relationship, much less on a first date.
Unfortunately, it turned out that I just wasn't that into him and I ended it after a couple months.
Did the fact that he brought up his wanting marriage so soon contribute to your not being that into him do you think? Sometimes I wonder if we prefer the ones that are a tad bit distant and inscrutable because they're a bit more exciting. Whereas the ones who are straightforward seem boring or too easy to get ... Just a thought.
Update on my situation: I have this strange feeling (call it intuition, call it anxiety) that what led to my original post may not be an issue anymore because I don't think I'm going to hear from him again. I could be wrong. But I've just got that strange feeling that he might disappear. It's not unheard of, right?
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