First Date Dialogue
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:44pm |
I get this newsletter regularly and many times it has some good tips in it. I wanted to share it with everyone. Enjoy your day! Sunshine
Brought to you the fourth Thursday of the month by
Christine Green, Certified Relationship Coach for Singles
A Newsletter for Conscious Singles and Couples
http://www.consciouscourtship.com/
mailto:coach@consciouscourtship.com
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First Date Dialogue
As a conscious single seeking your life partner you know
the importance of minimizing small talk and moving to a
deeper level of conversation with those you date. If you
are dating for fun only, it's not as essential to learn
selection skills, but may be worth practicing for future
use.
Depending on how you met, there are different levels of
acceptance and expectation regarding topics of conversation
for a first date. In other words, if you met someone at a
party and go out on a date, in-depth discussion of
compatibility factors may not be expected or appropriate.
However, if you met through the personals, there is an
implied 'permission' to talk more directly and frankly in
order to determine a fit for whatever type of relationship
you said you were seeking in your profile.
There is much to say about dating through the Internet or
newspaper personals and the process of deciding whom to meet
in person. But for the purpose of this discussion I will
assume you've used good judgment and selection skills
already and have appropriately chosen the people to pursue
at this next level.
I will use the term 'date' to mean any in-person meeting
with a promising prospect. This can be anything from
meeting for coffee to dinner and a movie. It's a personal
choice but I strongly suggest meeting for coffee or at most
lunch as a 'first date.' This keeps you safe not only from
physical danger, but also from the 'danger' of boredom.
Spending an entire evening with someone who is either
boring or clearly not a match is an extreme waste of time.
Keep it simple in the beginning. You can always make it
through a cup of coffee if you end up with the date from
hell. Your time is precious - don't waste it. Limit the
first date to an hour and a half.
So what do you want to know about this person who is sitting
across from you? And what is appropriate for you to share
about yourself during this first encounter?
While meaningful dialogue is perfectly fine for a first
date, be careful to keep it easy and conversational. Don't
interrogate and try to keep it balanced in terms of how much
you each share. Most likely your date will welcome
thought-provoking conversation and will appreciate your
ability to initiate it. Just keep it appropriate to a first
meeting.
While you may have the urge to talk about sex and
ex-partners (especially if there's chemistry between you),
do yourself a favor and save these topics for later once
you know this is a person you can see yourself with over
time. Be cognizant of your boundaries and don't disclose
intimate details about yourself. Remember, no matter how
attracted you feel or how 'perfect' they may seem...this
person is still virtually a stranger. Intimate sharing
comes after trust is developed and respect is earned. If
your date shares too much too soon, make a mental note to
find out more about the strength of their emotional
boundaries.
Start with light topics and work your way to the more risky
ones. Share your own thoughts, opinions and beliefs on a
specific topic first, and then ask for your date's point of
view.
Example:
'I feel it's important for a relationship to be balanced.
The roles of my parents seem old-fashion to me. I like
the idea of a true partnership between equals. What do
you think?'
If you get a three-word response you have gotten important
information about this person's ability to express
themselves. Don't give up right away, though. Give them
the benefit of the doubt (at least for the duration of this
conversation). Simplify or rephrase the question then see
how well they express their thoughts and feelings.
Decide what's most important to find out about this person
on the first date. Maintain appropriate boundaries but
don't shy away from all topics. If it's important to you
to know something like someone's religious or spiritual
affiliation, ease into that discussion by sharing about
your own spiritual life first. Explore the important
topics but keep the tone light. Don't get too serious
and always remember your sense of humor.
