First look at online dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
First look at online dating
15
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:45am

Hi To Everyone,

I am in my 40's and I am soon to be separated and got ahead of myself and posted a profile on a match/dating site. No pic posted. I was mildly hounded for a pic by some charmers and gave in. One man I did not see a pic of because he had no pic posted and the other was not my type but good looking...and both charming with chat...So, I decide, though I plan on losing some weight and then, *MAYBE* meeting these guys in a couple months when I move to my home state...I email/send a slightly older pic that really doesn't look like me much anymore (I look better now due to hairstyle, etc., but I am slightly heavier now), but it is a *fairly good* pic, in my opinion, not beauty queen NOR alien or ugly, just natural (I'd give it a "7")....and both these guys must have hated it...Neither even answered the email. I did email and tell one that he would have been more poilte to at least have responded and said I wasn't his type...and the other I had to contact also, but he responded he was sorry that I was not his type but we could still chat, if I wanted. Just venting.....these guys are picky....and seem to want women a lot younger than they are. ACK! Any similar experiences?




Edited 8/8/2005 11:25 am ET ET by saralm
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 1:55pm

As I'm sure others will post (and have posted), the online world is very fickle. If you're going to write to every guy that "ghosts" or disappears to teach him some manners, you're going to be wasting a lot of energy!

My recent experience: I just ended a subscription to Match & got lots of winks & emails. I looked at every profile of guys who contacted me in any way and if I wasn't interested I sent the supposedly polite automatic "not interested" email (I used to not do anything). Well, I got lots of angry emails and guys not taking that well - some to the point of harrassment. Before when I didn't respond at all, I never heard anything back (people just take the hint).

It's the online world's version of not calling - the easy way out. Sadly, after my experience I think it's actually the best way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 2:39pm
Actually, you are the only person who replied, so far....thanks.
Okay, that is good info. I did not know that. I am really just beginning the online dating thing...and have already backed off because it is premature for me, seeing I will not be actually separated (in distance...out of the house) for another month. It is good to know that no answer is the best answer in the eyes of the online dating community. It is just ironic that I did not pursue either of those guys, but they wanted the pic, so I gave it to them...even though I knew it was not the best thing to do under these circumstances....I'm just not where I want to be, at my physical best. I should have told them to back off a couple months and apologized. I have to trust my instincts. Then again, I just happen to think that both of them are probably pretty shallow, and I probably saved myself some heartache. LOL.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 3:21pm

Sara-


I am going to add an article I came across the other day regarding the new trend of....well as we put it..."Ghosting".

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 4:19pm

Though I haven't been in your situation, I think it's smart of you to back off for a little while on any kind of dating until things get settled.

I can only speak from my experience and it seems that ghosting/disappearing is the "bad" that you have to take with the "good" of online dating.

When you're ready, there's a lot of good advice on this board as far as how to go about meeting people from online (like not chatting on instant messengers, trusting gut instincts and meeting fairly soon in a public place for coffee or something similarly short timewise). Use online dating sites as a means to meet interesting people, and take care not to create false relationships/feelings through prolonged emailing, phone conversations and fantasies.

Also, as far as pic & weight, etc., the best route is definitely to present yourself as you are. Unless you're not comfortable with posting a pic, I think that it would be a good idea to post one so you won't go through this same situation again. Keep it updated as you change. You'll weed out the jerks & shallow guys and most likely find the most meaningful connections.

Good luck to you!
Shana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 4:34pm

Hi,

Thanks for the articles. I glanced through the first one quickly since I have to get offline soon to head to work, but I finish later....but it's true and what you say is true. I had one other experience in my few days with the online dating site...someone I really am attracted to gave me his number. He told me he had married women contact him for sex on the side, which he was firmly against. He tried to tell me OLD was a tough and cold place to be sometimes. You are sooo right! We should not waste time thinking of the "ghosts" and shallow men with serious issues. :) Thanks!




Edited 8/11/2005 10:17 pm ET ET by saralm
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 4:37pm

Hi Shana,

Oh, I can see the value in what you are saying! I need to learn all this! :)
I can see you can get caught up quickly in a whirl of feelings and fantasies. (*See my last response to cl-truewild.) I can see I need to keep my head on straight and be cautious.

I will be back for more input, help, and to share experiences in the future, I am sure. :)

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 5:43pm
Just a thought and a laugh...I think there is some defintite truth to your idea of men looking for younger women. Of course, not all men are in need of an ego boost and searching the younger women, but they're definitely out there. I recently had to go on a business trip out of state. There was an older gentleman in the seat next to men. Well, we had to get off the plane and reboard another plane. He helped me get my bag down. I thought...nice fatherly figure helping me out...WRONG! Long story short...he was an 81 yr. old man (looked in his 60s) trying to pick up younger women (I'm in my 30s)! Yuck!! Funny part, the 80 yr old woman to my left, who was an absolute doll, a true lady, obviously liked him. He actually suggested she join match.com! What a plane trip that was!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 8:41pm

So, two guys don't agree that you are a 7, and that makes them shallow? Contacting a guy with whom you have nothing in common but only because he was "cute" sounds pretty shallow to me.

I would be very wary of OLD if I were you. It tends to beat up one's self esteem if one is not careful.

I would also encourage you to be honest about yourself when you start with OLD seriously. Nobody likes surprises on first meets.

Edited to add: Welcome to the board! :)

amjay




Edited 8/8/2005 8:41 pm ET ET by amjay45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:04pm

Hi,
Shana and others have expressed my ideas already, but I'll post anyhow. First, people who are still going through a separation or divorce, or who have been widowed only a few months, are trying too soon to find new romance. Reach out, yes, but for friendship, through social activities. (Okay, I'm not a counselor nor do I play one on TV, but I *have* read Dear Abby all my life....)

Secondly, YES< men are usually looking for a woman who is younger than they are, thinner than they are, and prettier than they deserve. It's our mission in life to make them get past their silly notions.

Thirdly, it's very hard to do a good job of meeting the right people on these sites without a posted photo. Keep reading on this wonderful Online Dating board and you'll get many good ideas on how to do OLD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:36pm

Hi Saralm,

Yes most guys in their 40's want the 20's and 30's ladies, yet soe in that age bracket like ladies that same age, but not many. I am in my mid 40's and the older guys want me (early 50's to late 60'sn which I am not interested in at all!) yet I also get emails and winks from the 20's who just want to say they did an older lady, not that I answer them! But I do well with the later 30 guys who like the ladies a little older than themselves. Yet I am done having children also and my kids are grown, so I think I appeal to these guys who don't want to have kids and don't want ladies with kids to still raise, yet some of these guys are rather selfish and are used to having their lives exactly as they've had them in their bachelor years of many and are not so willign to compromise on things that need to be done to be a couple!

But my main concern for you is that since you are just separated, you may not really be ready to do OLD, emotionally. The rejection you get from doing OLD (online dating) is hard enough for someone who has been divorced for awhile and has healed from their issues from the divorce.

I am telling you this from my personal experience as I was so ready to start dating right after my divorce was final and started doing OLD with Match. But After a very short time on Match and a couple of meets with guys, realized I wasn't ready emotionally to date yet and needed to work on myself more. I could have just found a guy right away to stop my hurting, but that would have only been a bandaid to cover my divorce pain and the wounds would still be there when I got rid of the bandaid, so I took time and did some classes called Divorcecare through a nondenominational church (also at some Baptist churches) which helped me soooooo very much. (info is at Divorcecare dot com) and I would highly recommend them. They are not totally religion based. I even suggested them to a guy I met from OLD one time (a year later) that I knew wasn't healed enough to be dating yet from his divorce (he went to them and then thanked me later).

At this point, I think you may feel like you just want to know that you you can still appeal to the opposite sex and are still a desirable lady (at least that is what I felt then), but you so need to feel good about yourself and get that self esteem up again before you are ready to date, because if the self esteem is low and you are down about what you are going through (the separation/divorce), nhow you look, etc., this attitude comes through to others and you will attract guys who are also down and also having issues, which could just compound your problems.

Of course I am just suggesting these things, but it helped me a lot (I was married 25 years and have been divorced now just short of 2 years).

The guys on OLD are very picky (but then so are the women)and there is alot of rejection to overlook, so unless you are very very strong in how you feel about yourself, I would delay doing the OLD thing until you are divorced for awhile as it could make you feel worse about yourself.

Many people post old pics so beware of that (ask how recent their pics are before you meet them), and many of the guys say they are athletic when all they do is watch a few sports games and think they should describe themselves as athletic, not necessarily athletic of body! They are bigger yet still want the slim or slender girls!

I wish you much luck as you go through this year and next. By the way, I am totally happy with my decision to divorce and have been so much happier since! ;) In my case it was really hard to experience, but so worth it to get to where I am now!

Sunshine

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