Fixed Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fixed Marriage
6
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:28am
I remember today my online car-salesman friend who is from Calcutta India, thought i wanted to share his experience. He is a Hindu, and about 4 years ago, he was 23 then, his parents told him he is goin to marry the daughter of their friend. They have never met before not even saw each other's faces until they're about to get married. And so the wedding was set, preparations were made both by their respective parents. And now they are still together, got no kid and he told me he was not HAPPY (..who on earth will be happy anyway with this kind of situation?).

He told me he didn't like the idea at all but it's their custom or tradition and he doesn't want to upset his parents by not following them. And so by this his world crumbled apart, goin home with his wife he not truly love. He said everyday is a struggle, hard to deal with, as if he can't escape the situation he is in. He can't even dare to leave to his wife (maybe bec. of pity for her).

Old traditions like this still happen in rural areas in India, but i donno if in Hindu religion only. I told him its modern times now so old folks there should be aware of the effects of fixed marriages brought to people like him. We should have the freedom to choose whom we like to marry and spend the rest of our lives and not dictated by our parents or old traditions. I'm sure we also have fixed marriages here in our country (Phils.) but its in very rural or tribal areas and the percentage is still very low.

Imagine?, living with ur hubby whom you do not love and know well. Maybe there are rare cases in which the couples learn to love each other in time or love grows since they are living together.

What are your thoughts about fixed marriages? Do you know anyone who has the same situation? I wanna here from all of u...Thanks and have a great day!

>>jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 11:50am
Arranged marriages?

Well now, that is a very interesting topic. I would have to say I cannot impose my views on anyone who is from a culture that has arranged marriages. I do know several couples who have been married this way and ended up very happy, or just simply have a high tolerance for others. I think the woman is very submissive in these cases and just takes whatever comes. I dont know how I would handle it. I know I would not do it and would run away from my own country if I were born into a culture like that. simply my spirit could not handle the unhappiness if it came to that with someone I was arranged to be with. I have to be compatible with the man before I marry him. I have to be attracted to him physically. I have to know things about him. I am a firm believer, now after being divorced, the you must know all about the person you marry. If you have any doubts, dont do it. They only get worse after marriage.

I do not agree with arranged marriages, but as I said earlier, I cannot impose my views on someone from countries who practice this way. Just as they cannot tell me how to make my choices. I would say, it is wrong,but I am an American, so how can I say another culture is wrong. It would be wrong for me as an individual. So, to each his/her own and goodluck to those who have to practice this way.

Gail :)

P.S. Good questions JEN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 1:35pm
To get it out of the way,Mine was an arranged marriage!!.,so follows the part that I am hindu and indian.

To answer your ques Jen..Not only hindu,but most religions are in favour.Eg.my friend in med-school is a christian and her marriage was arranged with a fellow doctor.Its working fine.BUT,It isn't so prevalent anymore.As in,it isn't so strict(maybe in the more rural or less educated villages),but not in the cosmopolitan cities.Now love marriages and arranged are more or less equally distributed.Depends on indivisuals.

Its more like a meeting of two ppl where all the social and familial differences are weeded out already.I was arranged to meet a guy(engineer) and we got engaged.6months and I knew I'd never be able to make it a life time and broke it off....So nowadays,girls and guys can cll it off if they don't fell it....In the past(50-7- yrs ago),some couples never even met face to face.But it depends on the family and indivisual.

Eg: my mom and her elder sis were both in med school and while her sisiter had an affair with a fellow classmate which culminated into marriage,my mom was setup(by family)to meet my dad and both were on many dates before marrying and now are married.Both couples are celebrating 40th and 30th yr anniverseries in 2003.

I think it is the cowards and weak who cannot stand up for their own.The truth is parent's play a big part and we feel responsible for them,but finally I think if you are not happy,work at the marriage or leave,,,don't complain to anyone who is ready to listen.

Yes,its not easy but if you had a love mariage,wouldn't it still be difficult to leave so easily? there are ppl involved,feelings and families there too.Its sad when you blame parents for your unhappiness..yes they have a hand but now you are grown up.

Mine for example did not work out as personalites clashed.It could have gone different but it did not,so it is what it is...would I do it again?I think so(maybe better).

My point is:How do you really know a person well?As in we are not really allowed to move out of parents house(if we are in same city),we are not really accoustomed to moving in with a lover(there are exceptions)...so virginity is a given for women mostly and males too sometimes....(again can be an exception).....

Its like this:We have a traditional costume in our culture called the saree..It drapes around a woman really well.Do we not wear skirts and pants?we do!but in a special occassion or one's own wedding,we wear the saree...so it depends what suits the indivisual as you have both options:)

I'm really trying to expalin as I understand the difficulty to relate to this.smoking,drinking(for girls),boyfriends,its all just begining in india.After all ,we just got our freedom 55yrs back...and learnt independence and woman's choices...so we are getting there.

So in a nutshell,its not all bad..Statisticly,Among us 10 cousins,about 7 were arranged.2 love and 1 yet unmarried.3out of 10 divorced/unhappy/seperated..rest are fine.The unmarried one,my brother,is against arranged..but right now he's against marriage too,so it dosen't really count:)

So,I tried telling it as nuetral as I could because the truth is I'm nuetral about it.Mine went bad and the next if ever.....will not be love and friendship,not arranged:)

so u see,I'm so nuetral that I'm doing it both ways...kidding:)

Hope I answered..there are others maybe with a different view or who can expalin better:)

anya

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 1:50pm
*Correction*:I meant my next is love and friendship and not arranged:)

also this is just what I know and learnt about my culture and dosen't really represent everyone.My niece is against arranged and dosen't even understand how it begins to work...so we are so many diff ppl in one family..happy family?I don't know:)

anya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:13pm
Many arranged marriages work out very nicely. It all depends. I would stop contact with this man - I don't see what would be in it for you except possibly aggravation and/or heartache.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 2:34am
HI Anya, so u (Hindu women) still can choose to reject to be arranged?? or it depends on parents?

oh yeah i knw what sari looks like, and i know Hindu women wore a dot on their forehead, u have one too? And what does it symbolizes?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 9:25am
Yes,you can choose to reject and it really depends on your capacity to stand up to your family.Some realy cannot stand up and some are sitting on fence about it and others are really alright with the partner chosen for them.

the dot called bindi or sindoor was originally worn by married women but now its worn by everybody and married women do not necesarily wear it anymore.