found a great guy...in love....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
found a great guy...in love....
4
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:53pm
I have not posted in a while....I am not sure if anyone will remember me...I am the girl who was in an online relationship" for 2 years...with a guy in Australia...it is over..broke it off in June..I meet another guy online....In Arizona!! He is wonderful...he is divorced with three children ...we talk about 3 times a day...phone..IM for 5 hours at least..almost everyday... he makes me happy...when we couldn't meet last time..his gradnfather died and he had to go home for 5 days..he seem so worried about me and not being able to see me....

we have tried to meet twice but things have happened..one time..both of us....to much pressure....wanting to move in together...but knowing it was to soon...that and my mother hates him...

well....we decided to go ahead with this plan...he wants to get me an airline ticket to see him....and stay their...see how it goes..then if it works...come back for my things...it is only a 4 1/2 hour drive...

might do it...have nothing to lose...job lousy...law school..can still happen because he is very supportive...but I seem to making a few more sacrifices then him....but he has two jobs and three children who live two hours away...it makes more sense for me to go their...

problem...someone divorced with threee kids....who will move in within the next couple of months...should I take a chance...for what could be a very supportive and loving relationship...

also only seen eachother via pictures..

advice please...:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:50pm
First off I think it's great you've found love but wow! What a bind. How old are you? You said you were in law school? Hmmm, that seems like a huge thing to give up. How long have you been talking to your new honey? You don't say, although if you broke up with Mr.Ex in June I'm going to assume two or three months? It is a lot to give up for a guy you hardly know. It's a lot to give up for a guy you've known for a long time! He's also divorced and has three kids...not a bad thing but if you're single and have never had any children then it could come as sort of a shock to be tossed into an instant family like that. It also doesn't help that your mom doesn't like him...although you're a grown woman and it really shouldn't matter what anyone thinks sometimes choosing between the man you love and family can be a rough ride, especially if your from a close knit one. Been there done that. Does he know your mum doesn't like him? It would also be a good idea to meet him face to face before you make the big leap. And see him as often as you can before you make the decision to move in with him. He might be Mr.Sweetness now but what is he going to be like a month down the road? Also the kids could be a problem. Don't get me wrong...I love kids as much as the next maybe even more...but at the same time if they move in around the same time you do, it could be a huge adjustment because not only are you trying to establish a relationship with him (I don't know about you but I'd probably like some quality time with my sweetie. Some ALONE time;) Not gonna happen with Jr around )...you're going to have to establish a working one with his kids too and you may not always be top priorty. Not saying you expect to be top priorty but are you ready to be a step mom to his children? Because if you're living with him and the kids are living with both of you that's essentially what you'll be. To get up at two am because some one had a bad dream and can only get back to sleep if he can wiggle between you two for the night? To be walked in on in a private moment? Are you willing to share him with them and his ex wife because she'll be in the picture too. They have children together which means she will be in your lives until the kids are eighteen or older and no matter what you think of her you'll have to try and deal with her because she's the mother of these children and there's nothing worse than watching grown ups fight when your a kid. It's not only you're life that's gonna change but these kids lives too. They're gonna have to adjust not only to a new home and school but dad's new friend too. Which could be tough on both of you. Are you ready to balance school and work while trying to help him raise his kids and deal with whatever problems he may have with his ex wife? I'd say that you're sacrificing WAY more than he is. Emotionally and career wise. Especially if your heart is set on getting your law degree and becoming a lawyer. You love the guy...I can understand that...we all can. But are you willing to give it all up for a man you haven't even met yet? I'd say take your time. I know it's a hard thing to do because you're crazy in love with the man and want to be with him and visa versa...but what do you really know about his situation...what's his ex wife like? How are his kids? How old are they (if they're just wee ones then it might not be so bad but anything over ten you could be asking for trouble). I'm not saying to give up on it...but look before you leap...and look REALLY hard. I personally think he's asking a little too much in such short a time span. Then when you've met him and thought about everything involved you can make up you're mind then:) Make sure you meet his children too...ask if there's a possiblity for that because they're gonna be your new roomies too:). Well best of luck...sorry it sounds like I was preaching but guys with kids can be tricky...especially if the kids are with them. You have to sort of prepare yourself to share him. You're not only making sacrifies for him but for these kids too. Ok, now that I've said my two cents, I will step off my soap box and brace myself for anything I may have said that offends people. But good luck to you and I hope everything works out.

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:08am
here is what I would do. first I probably wouldn't meet him unless he came to me but if i were to I would fly there, stay overnight in a hotel, meet him for lunch and then fly back. if it went well, I would have him come to me the next time, spend an evening and a day or two together - put him up in a hotel - after that, if you really want to move to his area, move there, get your own place and date him - twice a week or so for 6 months - if it all works out, get engaged. Also I would hire an investigator or do one of those on line pay services to make sure that what he is telling you about his marital status is true. Meanwhile, I would look for men to date in my own area and not have any expectations that this will work out.

and, if it truly were me I would go to law school. Law school was the best thing I ever ever did (marriage/family will of course surpass that as an accomplishment) - it made me a much more confident and spunky person, as well as financially stable - and then you will meet men in person who are as smart and ambitious as you. You asked for my two cents, that is it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:56am
Welcome back!!! So happy you are here with a new update. Well, first of all...I was also in a relationship with a man over seas, and broke it off. (long story) Anywho....I would say this is a good thing having someone only 4.5 hours away, BUT....(there is always a but), I feel you should take this step at your own discretion. Now, when I say this I mean, if you have the chance to go visit and see what you think, then do it. I feel you should go for a visit only, not permanently. IT puts way too much pressure on a relaitonship up front to just dive in like that. Now, also coming from a divorced woman and mother of two myself, well you should DEFINITELY only go for a visit first. If only for a weekend, or two. I would say, it would be best for you, so that any doubts you have now, will not turn into fears later. Now, I am sure things are going well for both of you, and you are in love and all that jazz....trust me I have been there. It can work for both of you, but wouldn't you want to make sure it will last a lifetime by taking every step needed to ensure that. Slowly start with a visit here and there and see what you feel at that point. You say you do not have alot going for you where you are, please...do not leave one situation for another because you think it is better. What if it isnt? What if you get there and it is nothing like you imagined, you will have to return to your home and live. SO, try and have a PLAN B. It is full proof and if and when you two meet, it will only confirm what you know. I am not telling what you should or should'nt do here, sweetie. Only telling you what I think and what I would do. I ended things with the guy in Scotland because I could not give him what he needed from me. He wanted, marriage, kids, move in, the whole deal. I was not ready for that and being divorced will change your whole perspective on relationships. So, be careful and just go visit for the weekends, and maybe a few more until the feelings you have are really confirmed, then move in, get married to the man. Have a happy life! It is just one extra precaution I would take before moving in is all. Please, goodluck and keep us posted on this! I cant wait to hear about how happy you are once you get there and things are confirmed. Let us know!!

GAIL:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:12pm
I was in a similar situation - met a guy online, distance thing, he has kids, and we fell for each other hard. We met as soon as we could, and only for a long weekend. I would never have wanted him to come here planning to stay and I wouldn't have moved there immediately either.

I agree with Deena in part - go for a visit, see how it goes. Then plan more visits over the months and see if it gets better or just old. I don't know about you, but I could never afford to fly to Hawaii (where my guy lives) just for lunch, so our visits have always been long weekends. And we spent our two week summer vacation with the kids, so it was a good test of how it would be living with him and his kids. For us, every visit just reinforced that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but I do realize that will not be the case with everyone.

As far as law school, definitely do not sacrifice your education for him. I didn't go to law school, but I do have a doctorate and would never have abandoned that for anyone. And if he asks you to, run. Part of the reason why my relationship has worked out so well is because my career is as important to him as his own (sometimes more).

I would definitely take the chance and meet him. I'm sure you will always regret it if you don't. But take it slow - ie. don't plan on moving in together the first weekend. That's a lot of pressure on both of you and is unlikely to end well.

Good luck!

-Debbie