Freaky??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Freaky??
18
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 11:55pm

OK, I have mentioned my good friend/neighbor that started dating a new guy a couple months ago. She was all gushy about him at first and has been somewhat gushy about him since then (a few too many details about their sex life - thank you!). My friends and I have met him and he seems OK - perhaps a little shy but nothing too weird. Well, until now. My friend is away for work this week - out of town completely until late Friday. Well, she told me on Sunday (she called me fromt he airport) that her b/f might "be coming to hang out at her house while she was gone" because he "got kinda pouty when she was going to be gone for a whole week." Those were her words not mine. She was also the one that mentioned she thought it was kind of strange that he wanted to hang out at her place without her there. I tried to make light of it and said, "yeah, it is weird in a sort of sweet way - he wants to feel closer to you while you are gone." all the while thinking, "no, it is really just weird."

Well, I got home from work today slightly after 6 pm and his car was in the driveway. It is now almost 11 and he is still there! The more I get to know this guy and hear of him, he sounds very needy, clingy, a bit codependent and a bit desperate to be in a relationship - he has already told her he loves her (after about 6 weeks or so) and she is not the most experienced dater herself and she has never been "in love" and she says it back.

I am a bit concerned for my friend. I could see this guy turning into a stalker or one of those guys that just won't go away if you try to break up with them - you know the ones that would continue to buy you things and call and come by. When they first hooked up (that is accurate b/c they met in a bar and she brought him home the first night), she had to be "convinced" to like him. She wasn't sure there was chemistry and then she decided there was - he bought her valentine's day stuff when they had only been dating a week and was very persistent. They took a trip together a couple of weeks ago and he wanted to stop off and buy her a ring (not engagement, but a ring nonetheless). This is a guy that has had his cell phone cut off b/c he didn't pay the bill.

OK, ya'll. I am more than a bit concerned. I am worried. I know you are only getting my side of the story and I am only getting what I hear from her, but I am not convinced this is healthy. Especially after he is hanging out in her house all night! I am totally creeped out! I am going to stay out of it b/c she is a big girl, but do you think I should mention to her that he was here for several hours? I wonder if he'll stay all night? I wouldn't doubt it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 1:54am

Hi Vexer,

Yeah it is a little creepy, I agree. I can't understand him hanging out at her house while she is gone all week, yes clingy and needy did come to mind.

I would tell her how long he was there - but from the sounds of it she may not really care if he was there one hour or one full day. But it is her life and she is a big girl. I can understand you being concerned, but really there is nothing that you can do about it - it's her ride in life. Just be there for her no matter which direction she takes. I know how frustrating it can be though when we see things like this happening with our friends.

I hope you double checked that your doors are locked tonight!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 3:18am

Creepy, yes. Something you should bring up with her, no, not unless she asks.

I encourage you to be honest with her, but that doesn't mean you have to *volunteer* info.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 6:12am

hehe - I have this mental picture of him going through her underwear drawers....sorry.

I'd butt out - i think I'd only answer what she asked and let things unravel. And if she is already hinting about him being "pouty" -- then believe me there is more that will be coming. You're just getting the first early warning indicator that the honeymoon is over.

Unless there is some physical danger I'd lay low and let things unravel at their own pace. Give it a month and I bet she's coming to you asking how to get out of this.

People have to learn some things by experience and not being told -- and I think this is one. Relationships are an especially thorny area for most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 8:15am

hi,

like everyone else here i think its kinda freaky too ... but just the persistence ; not so much the wanting to be at her house and i do think the girl who said your friend wouldnt care if he was there all nite was probably right. it is kinda weird but everything else i ve read scares me much more. i just wanted to say the one thing that stood out to me was how you kinda questioned their feelings for eachother cos its only been 6 weeks and your friend isnt much of a dater. i don t really think that s fair. if you ve bene in love you know that it doesn t always go by some hand book of rules and that includes the time period. you can t say oh it s been a few mnths maybe i should love him now! also, yeah she s maybe never been in love but there s a 1st time for everything. i know you re trying to be a good friend but keep that in mind. all my friends have been dating since they were 14 and i started when i was 19 and now im love while they re complaining to me about bfs who tell them they re too uptight or don t give enough oral sex. whats that tell you. lol anyway i hope nothing bad happens, hopefully if he is a creep she ll find out before he turns into a based on a true story novel. as for your friend i think she s happy and wants to share it with you , without being judged. she d only think you were jealous if you confronted her. girls, we can be unreasonable sometimes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 8:34am

Ok has anyone possibly thought that this guy is a scammer?! He's setting it up correctly, being clingy, getting close to her (someone who isn't very experienced in dating), saying he loves her only after 6 weeks, he's gained her trust. Now he's in her house probably rooting through her stuff. He could be getting bank account numbers, her social security number, passwords etc. I would never let a guy stay or go to my place after only 2 months of dating. That's just weird! I may be wrong, but things like this DO happen.

Layx2

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:23am

Well, update. He was there ALL NIGHT. His car was still in the driveway when I left for work this morning. I reluctantly have to admit that you all are probably right in that I shouldn't say anything but to answer a few questions:

sunshine - when she told me he'd be over there, she told me that she thought he would "come over for a few hours and do his laundry". I don't know that she thought he'd be staying all night. She might know now because they talk on the phone every night and they probably have while she's gone. BUT she was out last night so she might not have. And yes, I locked all my doors last night! And I thought I heard something in my attic (we share over our duplex) so I got on a chair and made sure the latch was secure!

lg - there doesn't seem to be any physical danger. I don't think he would get violent. But it's a creepy feeling I get about him - I definitely get the heebie jeebies when I see him AND now I am going to be getting them worse! And she told me that she DID jokingly ask him if he was going to be smelling her clothes and stuff. She said he said "Noooo, of course not!" but that is so totally what I picture too. ICK.

lvee - well, when I say inexperienced dater - I REALLY mean it. She is 33 years old and has really only had one "boyfriend" and they were together for 10 years but not all of it was a real relationship. The last 5-6 years of it, he cheated on her constantly, they didn't really date and were more FWB. And she hasn't been on a single date in over 5 years until this guy. I agree that relationships don't follow a schedule, but this has moved REALLY fast and she's even admitted to me that the speed of it surprised her. But I think the speed was more due to his persistence and her really wanting to be in a relationship (and this being the first real opportunity that has presented itself). They are not young 20-somethings. They are both 33-34 and this seems weird in a mature adult relationship! It isn't so much that i question the feelings as that I am just scared for her because I know her very well. She stayed in a bad relationship for years longer than she should have and it wrecked her self esteem. She wants a relationship so badly that she has been in a Internet sex exchange with an almost married guy and flirts outrageously with "inappropriate" (married, gay, etc.) guys. She's never had a healthy relationship and this one doesn't look like it is headed on the right course either.

layx2 - that crossed my mind, but I don't know. He doesn't seem that malicious, but of course those are the best ones - the ones that don't seem that bad. I more picture what lg said and he is rooting through her underwear drawer. He's been in her house before without her - when his phone got cut off, they were supposed to meet for dinner and she had a haircut appt. She gave him a key so if he got there first, he could let himself in and not wait in the car. Well, he showed up at 5:00 and she wasn't going to be home until at least 8:30. That was the first heebie-jeebie feeling I got. I suppose that time could have been the preliminary scan - to see where things are, how they are set up. She is very trusting in this and I wouldn't be surprised if that WERE the situation, but I don't see that yet.

Anyway, I guess I have to sit on my hands and fret about this. If it does escalate or he seems to becoming more obsessive, then I may change my mind. But you are right. As uncomfortable as I am, this is not my life. I have to keep my nose out unless she asks. I do think that was a little of what she was doing when she told me he would be coming over and she thought it was weird. From here on, I am not going to censor my comments. If I think it is flat out weird, I will tell her! Thanks, guys.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:48am

Hi Vexer..Yeah he does seem clingy and, based on what you've said, only semi-creepy.

The fact the he's in the house when she's away doesn't seem so bad to me. I have a key to my BF's house. He travels alot and I go there to check on his cats from time to time (they're like his "other" children) and I end up hanging out for a while. Well, first of all his house is MUCH nicer and bigger than mine and he has this really great home theater system...LOL!

And sometimes I will meet him there when we're going out and sometimes it is way beofre he's expected home. Usually it's because I'm out in his area and it just doesn't make sense to go home and then back out again. Also, ocassionally, I'll be setting up a "surprise" (Ya know what I mean? ) for him when he gets home. I hope his neighbors don't think I'm some kind of nut! LOL

But everything else you said just doesn't sit well with me. I agree with the other posters. You really can't say anything. CGUN's post about her "friend" comes to mind. Not that you would be doing this out of malice or jealousy, but that may be just how your friend could inetrpret it.

I think it's nice she has someone looking out for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 11:08am
LG, I almost spit out my drink when I read your first sentence there!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 11:16am

Ricky has a key to my place and I to his.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: vexer_hw
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 1:33pm

Oh and if he is still there when I get home and it doesn't look like his car has moved (or maybe even if it does look like it has moved and he spends another night) - I might also rethink my stance on saying nothing. However, at the most, I will casually/jokingly say - "Hey, D sure spent a lot of time over there while you were gone! Maybe he did some of that clothes sniffing after all!"

I even remembered Stacey's situation when I was thinking about this. I definitely don't want to come across as being jealous or sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong or even making judgements (even tho I am on the second but I am SO NOT jealous!). But the fact that he spent the WHOLE night over there while she wasn't there is what creeps me out. Sure, coming over and spending a few hours doing laundry and watching TV (she's got better cable and a ton of movies) is a little strange but otherwise OK. But the spending the night while she isn't there...

luv - I can also see what you were saying. I think the thing on this is expectations. In both of the cases I've mentioned him being there that she hasn't, she has told me straight out that she didn't EXPECT him to be there so long. In the first case when he was going to meet her at her house before dinner, she thought he was going to get there around 8-8:30 - the time she thought she would be getting home but hard to predict since she was getting a hair cut but he showed up at 5. Then this time, she told me that he might "come over for a few hours to do his laundry" and now he stayed all night.

This makes me SO uncomfortable and it is so hard to watch my friend in a situation that I don't think is good for her. It sucks not being able to do anything about it. I hope she doesn't get hurt.

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