Friend Is VERY Trusting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Friend Is VERY Trusting
4
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:49pm

Hi,

Okay, this message is two-fold. I just recently ended a relationship that I did meet on an online dating site. So, timing wise, its kind of sucky to be alone and I'm a little bit crabbier than usual.

Here is the issue: one of my friends, is a online dating machine. Granted, I think its great that she can go on 3-4 dates a week, but it does get tiring get constant updates over every little detail. Basically almost every date she goes on she is always go on and on how they have SO MUCH in common and how great they are. Granted, some of my online dates have gone well- but I am cautious and realize that people may not be who they say they are, even if a first or second date goes really well.

Lately, she's been dolling out advice- because obviously I'm back in the dating mode- and is constantly telling me what I "should and shouldn't do"- granted, she doesn't allow for me to dish my advice to her.

Honestly, on one hand, I wish I could feel the "connections" with every guy like she does, but on the other hand, I do question if she has that many "connections" why these relationships never seem to last past a few weeks. I am concerned on the safety issue with her- for two reasons- #1 If she has a "good" date she often goes to these men's house on the second date- and if she wasn't to return home, no one would know for a few days, because she doesn't let anyone know her whereabouts. #2 Basically sex comes up right away with these men (personally I feel the way they are treating her seems to be looking solely for that, but that's just my opinion)- and her thoughts on it are just to use the pill- because she seems to think that that is the only thing to worry about- and she gets tests for STDs once a year.

Personally, I'm amazed that since she's been doing this (for the past 5 years) that she hasn't gotten a disease or gotten in a bad situation with a guy, but I'm glad she hasn't. But right now, especially being single again, I'm have a bit of trouble a. not worrying over her and b. Not being annoyed because I don't need her opinions about what I "should" be open for.

Outside of not really talking to her- how do you handle this situation? To me, what I notice is that she is a bit naive these men and I personally do feel they are looking only for short-term sex, which is she goes through so many "connections" on a weekly basis.

Thoughts?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:03pm

The next time she starts giving you advice, I would stop her and say something like, "I appreciate you looking out for me. However, your way of doing things and mine are very different and I'm not comfortable with your way. I'm glad it works for you but I know myself well enough to know it wouldn't work for me. Can we just agree that since we have such different approaches to dating, we will just be a sympathetic ear for each other and not try to offer each other advice, unless the other person asks for it?"

And if you haven't said it before, part of the discussion could be you saying your piece about how dangerous you think what she's doing is (both physically and emotionally) but acknowledging that she's not looking for your advice on the topic so you are not going to say anything further unless she asks. Then you just need to recognize that she's an adult and making her own choices. If she wants to take such huge risks, there's nothing you can do to stop her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:47pm

Thanks for the advice, and I do agree with you- but my question to you is what do you think she is doing to herself emotionally that is dangerous?

Personally, I think that you have to be cautious- and a lot of these men I have met take women out to very expensive restaurants and talk sexually- and try to say "you are a hard read" when they can't figure out if you put out. My friend keeps hearing that and I've told her that doesn't mean she is doing something wrong- especially when this is on the 1st or 2nd date.

I just think that its unfortunate that she is still this naive after so many years. I don't believe that dating is just a numbers game, I think you still have to have a clue as to what you want, if you want to have a worthwhile and lasting relationship.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 6:57pm

If she is jumping into bed on 2nd dates with 2-3 men a week (which is how I read your post), even though she is looking for a serious LTR, and then nothing comes of those relationships, then I just don't see how that *can't* be damaging emotionally. It would be one thing if she was like Samantha on SATC and just wanted to get laid...but if she's looking for more, then doing it the way she is has to be damaging to her psyche.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 8:28pm

I can't help thinking that your friend has trauma issues that she is denying to herself and probably others. My bet is that she's "re-enacting" the trauma with these guys over and over again to try to resolve something. Of course, she'll never resolve anything this way because the hurt is accumulative. At best, she'll just distract herself for awhile.

I don't think it's trust that you're seeing, although it would be easy to interpret it that way. She's basically throwing herself at the mercy of total strangers, which says to me that she makes no distinction between people. I think it's because deep down she doesn't really trust anyone, so what's the point of jumping through hoops, so to speak, to establish a long-term relationship when she can just have short-term ones that are gratifying for the moment.

I doubt your friend is niave; more likely she's in denial. I've read that women can date an alcoholic that's drunk all week-end, never realizing he was drunk. In this way, they never learn from past experiences because they don't really "see" it.

Of course, my advice would be counseling, though one has to be careful with that, too. Since she probably doesn't acknowledge she has a problem, however, the best you can do most likely is try to give her insight into her true situation from time to time. You must be patient and compassionate for this to work. She strikes me as a person who is drowning who grabs at any available life preserver, fighting them all the while. My guess is she has difficulty with long-term relationships and attachment.

I'm sure it's inane for you to have to listen to her advice. My guess is that even her advice is an indirect plea for help, not that you can help her necessarily. Most likely she's rationalizing and defending her position. However, she may also be looking for a better way. You know her better than I do, of course. Good luck to you both!