Friends First or Is He Just Cheap
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| Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:32pm |
After being away from the online dating scene, I recently posted my profile back up. A couple of days later, this guy I dated a couple of times a few years back sent me an email. It was clear from his email that he didn't remember me, so I emailed him back and told him we had met before. The next day, I got an email from him recounting our last date. He said he had a good time, but thought I wasn't interested. I find this to be quite ironic because I thought he wasn't interested in me. I remember a few more email exchanges after that date a few years ago and then all communication stopped.
Anyway, we agreed to meet again last week. Over lunch, he talked about how sick of the online dating scene he is (been on so many dates over the past few years...bla..bla...bla) and now he's ready to settle down. His online dating profile also eludes to the same thing. It could be true, but who knows. We talked about other stuff, work, travel, etc. Overall, it was fun catching up with him again.
A few hours later, I got an email from him saying he had fun as well and would be interested in seeing me again. However, he said he wanted to define things between us as "friends only" for now and hang out and not date. He went on to say that getting to know someone first as a friend helps if it is going to be a success and it takes the pressure off. A couple of days later he emailed me again asking if I wanted to go to a movie.
I'm not sure if this guys said he wants to be friends because he is not interested in me as a girlfriend, etc., or is interested, but wants to keep his options open or is interested, but just too damn cheap to pay for a movie or dinner!!!!
Anyone else want to take a stab at interpreting this?

Are you interested in being his girlfriend? Present situation excepted, in general when I've done OLD, I don't insist on "friends first," but I do make clear that if we're going to date, I want to develop a friendship as we go. All this means to me is that we develop a bond based on sharing things in common, enjoying conversation together, and supporting one another emotionally and not solely on physical chemistry. I just need to know that I like the guy as a person and would like him regardless of whether I'm "dating" him.
I can see how this would make things confusing, though. You don't know if he's hanging out with you simply because he wants company or is actually taking seriously the possibility of taking it to a dating relationship. Since you've already had a talk on this subject, would you feel comfortable asking him this? Since you met on a dating site, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask this, but it would also require you to put yourself out there if you are interested in him as a potential boyfriend.
It doesn't make sense. This man is trying to cheat at the dating game. He wants to avoid appearing that he is on a romantic date with a women, that way there is no pressure on him and...he doesn't have to pay. And, I guess, when he is ready to change gears he can announce that he is ready to have sex and kiss, and expect you will be all right with that.
That is not the way things work and the situation is going to get muddled. He needs to go off and work out his issues.
I've heard the whole "friends first" lecture from a man before, I don't play.
Thanks for replying. I think he's completely "demoralizing" the whole dating process and by doing so ruining any chances he may have at a serious relationship in the future.
I had a strong feeling this guy was a jerk, but it is always good to hear what other people think.
I wouldn't say this is witty and profound but you could say:
"I've thought about traveling down this "friends first" road with you. But after thinking about it for awhile I've decided that I do want to go on a date, I do want to be wined and dined, I do want to be made to feel like a lady, I do want flowers ocassionally and I do want to be kissed. I understand that you want to have a long-term platonic friend first before venturing into a dating relationship and I wish you a great deal of luck with your goals."
Copy, paste and you are done with this guy. His hesitation, cowardice, cheapness and stupidity just lost him a future with a great lady.