Friends or More???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Friends or More???
9
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 11:03am

Ok this is a totally new and confusing one for me...

I started talking to B early January we met on LL. We quickly graduated to all day Im's and talking on the phone never running out of things to talk about. We finally met in person 3wks ago. The night was so horriable yet great. Let me explain. I met him afterwork and he had co-workers show up at the local pub, not his fault. I was cool with meeting some of his friends. There was this one girl who had a thing for B and she wouldn't leave him alone. I swear I thought I was on Elimadate or something...It was that bad!!! B was really sweet though he wasn't rude to her yet he made it clear that he was with me. Anyhow one thing lead to another and I ended up going home with him that night. We made out pretty crazy but never had sex. Same thing the next night...and everyweekend since. We hang out duing the week once or twice but its all very inocent we watch tv or go see a movie...No I am getting to the problem...He doesn't try to "sleep" with me even when we are sharing a bed and even on Valentines day we went for dinner and he didn't even try to kiss me or anything....So are we at the just friends level or what? We talk still allday on Im's but Im not sure if its a friendship or more? We totally cuddle and have done more then friends but then on the same page we have done nothing...Im sure this is not making sense I guess just getting an outside view will help.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:27pm
Why be in such a hurry? Except for the premature make out session on the first meet, it sounds like things are progressing pretty well for an OLD relationship. Why rush sex? If you're enjoying his company and he seems to be enjoying yours and is still asking you out, why not take your time and see where this goes? Maybe he regretted the early make out session and is now trying to back off a bit and take it slow. If you're really curious, you can ask him what kind of relationship he is looking for IN GENERAL (not specifically from you - at 3 weeks, that is way too soon to ask that) to see if you are on the same page. If he says he's looking for long-term and that's what you want, great. If he says he's looking to keep things casual and not get serious, you have to decide if you can deal with that as he might be keeping you at a distance since he doesn't want to get serious with anyone.

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:28pm

Sounds to me like a foggy gray-area of "dating" - you are doing things that are definitely more than "friends" but you are

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 8:13pm

We met in the Dating section of Lava. We seiously talk all day long yet its like Im not sure what to expect....We talked about his previous relationships and he said they all started very slowly and he likes taking his time to get to know people. I am cool with that! I just don't want to feel something for someone if it should be just a great friend not a boyfriend....

He asked me to go out this weekend with him again plus to meet his best buddies.....Oh so confusing and it is waaaaaay to early to be like so where do you see us going?

I get the point about guys making it clear if he is into you he will tell you...I think he does by his little gestures just Im not used to someone taking there time I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:23pm
Yes, it is too early to ask where YOU are going as a couple. But you ask what kind of relationship he is looking for in GENERAL. You need to know that and it is a perfectly appropriate question to ask before you get too involved. Otherwise, you risk getting hurt.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:12pm

Ok an update...

Thursday night I was supposed to come over after meeting some friends for drinks, he didn't answer the phone so I went and did something else....

Friday morning he calls and tells me he was sorry he missed my calls he ended up taking some Nightime cold medicine and was out by 9:30. I said no problem I ended up going out with some friends anyhow...I told him I had to run but we will talk online later...I come back in the afternoon and he is cranky at me...Ok this is so not like him what gives??? I ask him if he is ok? He says yeah just in a bitter mood with work and stuff. I let it go. I ask whats his plans for the weekend? He says he has plans with some co-workers tonight then not sure...Im thinking ok...He asks what my plans are. I tell him I am going for dinner with friends tonight, to a wedding tomorrow and then maybe head to the mountains monday(Its a long weekend)We end up deciding that he will call me when he is done with his co-workers and meet up then if its not to late. He calls at Midnight and says he just finished up I am allready home and in bed he asks if I want to comeover or him to comeover. I say well you can come here if you want. He does. We spend the night together like typical for the last 6friday nights in a row...We still don't have "sex" just some heavy making out. We talk about each others night and its sweet. I tell him about the wedding tomorrow or later today and I am going with a good friend as my date. He doesnt say much besides oh...

Fastforward to morning...We get up and he tells me he wants to take me out for breakfast and we head downtown to a cafe, we end up walking around the market and doing some shopping it was a very nice morning. At breakfast he asks twice if I think I will be late at the wedding. I say I am not 100% sure yet he doesnt ask more or for me to do anything afterwards so I just leave it. He drops me off I have to get ready and stuff... Im still confused at this point this was the first time he sorta showed he had feelings for me yet he is still not saying anything. Is this normal? Ive never been in a situation like this I am so used to guys making there intentions known right off the bat...

Anyhow Fastforward to Sunday...I call him to see whats up and if he wants to go to the mountains with me tomorrow he says he can't because he made other plans but he is with his bestfriends(Ive never met this friends, just heard all about them)heading to a movie and then drinks afterwards he asks if I would like to join them. I say sure give me a call when you guys are done. Now I have to admit I am bit nervous because I have heard so much of his friends and his best girlfriend he told me hates everyone he has ever dated! I am thinking oh great and I have to met her and everyone else not knowing where we stand...This will be super fun :D I get there and I was so shocked! There are 7 of his closest friends and they know everythign about me...What I do for work, that I just moved, I was just on vacation...Ok now tell me this that cant be normal....For a guy to tell his friends about some girl he is just "friends" with right? Maybe I have a bunch of lack lusture guy friends but they just dont do that...Ok so I am totally confused now right...plus the night ends we had fun yet he was like ok we are going to take off like it was the most natural thing ever! So later we are in bed...I say "Im so glad I met you" Yeah i know I am so lame sometimes...His response..."Me too" with a big hug...Now what does that mean??? You think the guy is just shy and doesnt like to talk about his feelings openly??? Am I nuts to be examining this so much??? Should I be still thinking friendship and he is just not that into me???

Oh btw he hasnt signed into lava since Feb 2...Sorta a good sign since he was on there 4-5times a day when I met him. (I am not signing in 4-5times a day I read an email I got sent to me on sunday and I hide my profile afterwards) Anyhow your opinions are great I would love to hear what you think of this situation now. If i am not clear on any details please just ask I will try to clarify things.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:40am

Update #2...

Ok so this week...Things so far have been a rollercoaster once again! He is up and down...Wtf? Thats all I have to say! He is super stressed at work and 2 of his co-workers have called in sick so he is working overtime. I am so not making excuses for his behavior just setting the stage. So with his overworked, still sick himself he is not his usually funny self on msn. I suggested a movie night and he was like no. Not sorry lets do it another night just a flat no...Okie...Fine no it is. This was all on msn I decided to just leave him alone and go out with friends...The next morning he sends me an email saying He is sorry he was short with me and that he hasnt been himself lately just work is crazy and things will calm down soon...Hope I had fun last night and we will talk today. Ok Things sound good right? Not much I can say about that right? So later in the day he calls to ask me to his office party which is blacktie and in 2DAYS!!!!! Im like are you kidding me? 2days I spent all weekend with you and you didnt say a word about it...Its on friday night I have 2 days to go and find a formal dress and get ready for this fancy dinner...I sorta say to him well that sounds fun but I don't have alot to wear since I recently lost some weight I would have to go buy something and I dont know if there is enough time. He was like "Yeah I guess, but your coming right?" Now Im not sure if I have a right here to be like you can't just spring that on someone...what the hell are you thinking!!! I am so your backup date arent I? Who cancelled on you??? You know I would like Pyscho if any of those words come out...So I say let me get back to you...Then he is quiet and says OH like I just told him the worst news ever...Then he was like well I just thought you would like to go it is open bar and free meal with some dancing you dont have to do me any favors! Now I feel like screaming here! I don't however. I just reply ok sounds like a nice night. He then says its at 7 on friday he will come pick me up....Seriously am I being totally stupid here???? My heart keeps saying not at all yet I can't seem to let go and just run with what the heart is saying...

Please help with some feedback...

Did I have a right to be upset at the last minute invite? I ran this by a friend and she was like its pretty sweet of him to even invite me in the first place....So confused with my "friend" help please! Am I just being pyscho and wrecking something that might be good....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 6:51am
Hi,
It really doesn't sound like you and he are in the same place. He doesn't sound very ready for dating, and maybe you don't even sound compatible. It sounds like if you want to hang around and be one of 'the guys', he'll let you. I would stop communicating with him and possibly leave the door open for later if he feels more focused, stable, or less stressed, or if you just go ahead and establish that you are friends. In any case, I'd like to see you move on to other dates...
E
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:30pm

Yes, I think you're overreacting...just either go or don't go, don't get bent out of shape about it. Many guys just don't focus on things like that...he probably just realized yesterday when the party was, and invited you. Or yes, maybe you were 2nd choice. Who knows? Only time will tell.

You have the "right" to do whatever the heck you want, of course, it's not a matter of having the "right". What good is being upset going to do you, though?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:46pm

Everyone was right I was stupid for getting all bent out of shape for the last minute invite! I did go, and it was a great night! We had fun danced the night away. I was suprised how he handled his co-workers on "so how long have you two been dating?" His reply was a couple of weeks...I didnt say anything about it that night. We ended up back at his place and I spent the night. We still have not "slept" together but are extremely comfortable with each other.

Next morning we go for breakfast and we are talking about the nights events and having a few laughs...I then ask him does he do this with all his Lava girls? We don't ever talk about where we met so this startled him! He was like what??? I then said I was curious on how many people he was meeting or casually seeing whatever....(I do know that he hasnt signed into lava since Feb 2)He just looked at me dumbfound! He was like I seriously dont know where you think I would get the time from besides work, hanging out with his buddies ive spent every last minute with you. I didnt say anything besides oh...He then went on to say I guess you make me want to not meet anyone else and just focus on you. Ok now coming from this guy thats the biggest compliment ever. He is not a verbal guy! He then asks so are you still playing the field. I said I wasnt out in centre but I wasnt in the dug out either. He didnt say anything besides oh...LOL Can we say communication break down! I stated since we werent anything serious I would be open to seeing other people but I would prefer it to be one person only. He then states he likes to take things slow but I should know by now that he is not a player and is only seeing me and thats it. I said ok I like things the way they are we are having a great time getting to know each other and I am glad to hear I am the only person you are seeing. You are the only guy in the picture right now and I am happy with that...Ok so yeah I know we are pathetic! You would think I was in jr high not late 20's and him early 30's. Like come on! But hey this is the most progress we have had in the 7wks of knowing each other!!!

So thats my update with my lava guy.