Full Figured and Online Dating
Find a Conversation
Full Figured and Online Dating
| Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:29am |
I was wondering how those of you who are full figured deal with online dating. Do you go forward and say I'm attractive and that's all that matters ( which is the way it should be ), or are you like me and say I wish I could but I should lose some weight first? How do I change that notion in myself?

Pages
Mark,
I think your points are well-taken. My understanding is that you're saying that you want a partner who is healthy and takes care of herself.
A woman can be very thin and look acceptable to the world but that doesn't mean she's heatlhy. She may have an eating disorder or she might not exercise. She may live on cigarettes and energy drinks. My teenage sons say they don't like the anoretic look in women---they'd be afraid to hug a girl who was built like an Olsen twin because she might break in two like a toothpick! Nichole Ritchie's skeletal figure is not one bit sexy or pretty or alluring. She looks downright alarming---you can see her sternum when she wears low-cut clothes.
I think a size 16 woman who takes care of herself, eats right and is in shape is far prettier and healthier than a size zero celebrity with an eating disorder. (And the converse is true as well!)
What I object to is the mindset that skinny celebrities should be the ideal female norm and that real women should look just like them. Beauty comes in all colors, sizes and shapes. A weight that suits a petite woman (or a willowy woman who is naturally thin) may be way too low for a woman who is naturally muscular. But in Hollywood, a size 12 is considered fat; unfortunately, some in our society (women as well as men) also think that a 12 is "fat". It may be or it may not be, depending on the woman and her body frame, age and muscle mass.
I also have a real hard time with men who expect "perfection" in a partner yet they are far from perfect themselves. I know a man who is hygenically challenged (doesn't like to shower), wears mesh tank tops that show off his hairy but otherwise unimpressive chest, and he's out of shape, overweight himself. I had friends (?) who tried to line me up with him and he said that at a size 12 I was "too fat" for him. It didn't matter if I was nice or smart or had a good job. All that mattered was the single-digit dress size. His loss!
There's a difference between being fifteen pounds overweight and being one hundred and fifty pounds overweight. My point is that the woman who is fifteen pounds overweight should not be considered "fat". I I think, as a society we waste a whole lot of time making women feel bad about their bodies when in fact we should be helping them to accept themselves as they are and eat right and exercise for their health, not to placate some stranger leafing through profiles on OLD.
Francie
Thanks, Rebecca! All my life I've wanted someone who wanted me for my mind and not just my body and I finally found him. It's a great feeling and he was well worth sifting through a lot of frogs IRL and OLD.
You are so pretty and very photogenic and if some guy would reject you for being 12-14-16 (aka "FAT") he would be out of his miind.
I don't believe people have to be perfect in order to be attractive.
Francie
I agree. I have a 13 yr old daughter and I am very much aware of what American society's values are for girls and women. What little influence I have with her (I am the non-custodial parent who sees her one a week for Fri night and Sat day), I do not talk about looks whether they are fat or ugly or another race or whatever... I talk about how they are as a person. I also encourage healthy eating by setting that as an example when she visits me. Her mother signed her up at the same gym I go to so I am happy that we can do that as a father-daughter activity. I have kayaked, hiked and walked our dog together as well.
I hope she continues to feel good about herself, keeps active and eats healthy. I see what weight she does have as her "protection" from her mom (yes I admit that is my judgment of her mother, my former spouse).
I also know that the only thing we can control is ourselves, our attitudes, our lifestyle (eating and exercise habits), and how we view ourselves and those around us. I am at peace with myself. I admit that part of that attitude is my own satisfaction of how I have worked hard to have a fit looking body. I also know that who I am is more than my body.
I still have not let go that I do want a physically attractive, fit, slender woman as well as someone who is healthy spiritually and psychologically in addition to all the other qualities I want in a partner for I see that as someone who is my equal, i.e. like me.
Mark
Mark,
That makes so much sense to me. You know what you want and I tell you, it doesn't seem to me that you're only looking for superficial attributes such as attractiveness. You want an equal partner who can join you in physical activities and who is as committed to her health as you are. I may be reading way too much between the lines but it seems to me that you're looking for someone whom you will find attractive---and that she may not necessarily be waif-like supermodel. You look for someone who is slender and I was looking for someone who was short. I prefer men under 6' and specified that in my Match profile, although I don't think I'd turn away the perfect guy if he was 6'1". Nor do I think you'd turn away an amazing woman if she was five pounds heavier than slender.
I get the impression that physical beauty is important to you but character and values and shared interests are also vital. Physical fitness and wellness are two of your core values and it makes sense that you choose a partner who has similar core values.
I just get a bit nuts when these men who have spare tires, don't know what a fingernail clipper is, and have more facial wrinkles than a Shar-Pei pup go online and DEMAND that they have only PERFECT women respond to their ads. Only perfect people should expect to be matched with other perfect people (but then again, perfect is sooooo boring.) In all fairness, women do this as well.
And I think it's way beyond tacky for a man to tell woman he doesn't want to date her because she doesn't measure up to his standards of ideal feminine beauty. Much less hurtful to say, sorry, I just don't think we're a good match and best of luck in the future.
It just sounds to me as if you want substance and depth, not just a pretty face and slender body. Hope you find her!
Francie
As a non-overweight guy, I agree with a lot of what Mark has said in this thread. I'll add a couple of things even though I'm not really who the OP was targeted at! Apologies if it's bad taste to chime in.
First of all, if you lose weight to attract someone of the opposite sex, that's a bad reason to lose the weight. The reason is that most of us, once we catch someone, will fall back into our bad habits and put the weight back on.
That's bad for two reasons. First, we know we shouldn't be too heavy; second, the person we caught is likely to get bent out of shape- and deservedly so! It's like false advertising!
Second thing... honestly, as a group, we fool ourselves. Many of the sizes I'm seeing talked about in here ARE TOO HEAVY. The fact is that the average woman in the USA is overweight. And for men, same deal- the average man in the USA is overweight.
There's a great BMI calculator at the link htt p://ww w.hal ls.md/body-mass-index/bmi.htm (go through and take the extra spaces out and the link should work- if not, google "BMI calculator" and select the link titled "Body Mass Index calculator you'll like".
In my view, we should lose the weight for OURSELVES. Taking that kind of positive step in our own lives will be something that makes us more attractive to the opposite sex, and not because we're in better shape; it's because we care about ourselves enough to make a healthy choice.
As a man, nothing is as sexier than a woman who is happy with herself, who takes care of herself, and who FEELS sexy to herself- even if she's a bit overweight. My now ex-gf was a tad overweight, but she was sexy to me because she worked out and FELT sexy and attractive about herself. We could do the things we enjoyed together (walks and hikes and... other physical exertion) and it gave us stuff to do.
LOL
Lost 100 lbs?!???? Wow.. I cannot imagine losing that much weight! I am curious if you changed psychologically before, during and after this process.
Smile, humor, energy... I look for that in wmoen. It's the sparkle in a person that is attractive.
Mark
Wow! When I posted here, I never imagined so many responses and I appreciate every one of them :) Congrats to all of you who have made that effor to better yourself and be as happy with you outsides as you are with your insides. And to those who have said that as long as you find a happy, healthy woman, regardless of weight issues, you have given me hope :)
I do agree that I need some time to be happy with myself physically which at times I am but for the most part am not.
I have a tendency to flock to online dating because I am so much better at being comfortable with myself behind a computer screen.
So my first step in my newly single journey is to get back on the elliptical machine and get fit again. And not because I need to find someone new but because I need to do it for myself. I've always wanted to train with hopes of being able to complete a triathlon one day and for the first time in a long time, I have the motivation to do.
Once again, thanks to all of you for responding :)
I have changed mentally, for sure. I did undergo counseling for about a year after I first lost that weight. I still sometimes feel that big, depending on circumstances, mood, what not. I still have rather wide hips, so I still have trouble finding clothing that fits right on me, which challenges my psyche sometimes. I will never have a flat tummy, or be a stick, nor would I want to be. I would still like to lose about 20 more pounds, though.
I do have my weak psyche moments, but in general I am very confident in my figure & body image, much moreso than I used to be.
I would highly suggest counseling for anyone who has grappled with weight/self-esteem issues, whether they want to lose weight or not. As long as you are generally healthy & don't care to slim down, then you should be happy with that.
And remember, ladies, to NOT weight yourself every day. It's causing more harm than good.
Edited 3/9/2007 5:16 pm ET by travkitty
Pages