Getting Cold Feet - Already!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Getting Cold Feet - Already!
3
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 8:51pm
I made my profile visible on accident and got some responses. I recently called a time-out with my bf and still have to give him the news, the dump speech. Although I did tell him before to date other people, I didn't care. My son likened him to the step-dad on Amityville Horror. That's how bad it seemed. Anyway, I'm scared at this point and feeling foolish. I mainly wanted to get my profile ready to go but now I'm tempted to contact some of these men. My bf and I have been on-again, off-again for months, so it's really not a big deal to make it final. I just feel so stupid. I wonder if I'm over-estimating my emotional resilience, or if it's better to get to know men who don't tell me I'm pathetic. I'd appreciate any in-put.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 9:11pm

It's better that you tell yourself that you are not pathetic. We are not defined by the opinions of others!

Could you be rushing into things here, if your current semi-ex-bf is verbally abusive to you? Perhaps this is a good time to step away from relationships with men and learn to love and accept yourself. What a better way to present yourself to the world, and a magnet for respect.

Please think about this before getting involved with someone else.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 9:19pm

Great reply, amjay. Perfect.

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 8:28am

I hear where you're coming from but I didn't just accept the verbal abuse. After he told me I was pathetic I told him I needed a week of no contact to think about things. I knew I was going to make mistakes in the beginning with relationships because I had a really bad childhood. However, I have worked on myself, a lot, and my last relationship was sort of my first attempt to have an equal relationship. I stood-up for myself but he just wouldn't hear me. His behavior is not my fault and I didn't just put-up with it. I get tired of the implications that somehow I'm responsible for another's behavior. Of course, I shouldn't put-up with it and I haven't. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for as long as I could, "time and space to repent", but he got to the point where he would no longer be admonished.

I'm not looking to rush into anything with anybody and I don't think I'll let myself be pushed anymore, either. I don't pity people like I used to. I feel that the only way for me to learn to stand-up for myself is to do just that, and I have been, more and more. I have a pretty clear idea of who I am otherwise. Some things can only be learned by experience which builds confidence.

However, I don't know if I had more feelings for my ex than I care to admit and if it will effect relating to other men. At this point, I feel less needy than ever. I got out of a bad relationship before he took back everything he gave to me emotionally, with interest. The thing that most people don't seem to realize when they're talking to someone backwards like myself is that abusers are generally charming at first and one is conditioned since childhood to accept their behavior. Many people even think their behavior is normal, especially when they know them personally. People can be so wishy-washy. It's not so cut and dried as people would like to think. I actually feel pretty good about myself right now. Even so, I could be kidding myself but like I said, experience is the best teacher. So I'm weighing my options.