Getting to know someone online........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Getting to know someone online........
15
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 6:04pm
Truly I do understand what some of you are saying in regards to not being able to know someone only thru emails and phone calls. However I think theres something being left out here. I believe its entirely possible to know someone well even if you've not physically met. The key I think is honesty, so long as each person is honest and forthcoming I wouldnt hesitate to say that you know each other well. Obviously if one person is not honest and forthcoming it might not be so. Anyway i just wished to get that off my chest :-P

Winter

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 6:36pm
But therein lies the rub...how the heck do you *know* if someone's being honest, if you've never met them and never had the opportunity to judge their character by their actions, rather than by their words?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:12pm
But the same goes for how do you know your husband is not having an office affair? Trust!!Atleast in online,we are not marring yet,just talking......Its each person's responsibility to keep up their end of the bargain....Be honest,expect him to be same...show your affinity to truth and lack of respect to liars.....

Eg:I met a guy online and though it seemed too perfect to be true,there was a nagging doubt in back of my head.It was few months and he knew me in all honesty(nothing too personal)and I thought I knew him...finally we decided to meet.....He gave me a time and place and deadline to meet.....I purposly postponed my visit beyond the deadline......and called up,made an excuse of being unwell and asked for new dates.He admitted it was not possible as his wife had returned.....was it a shock?yeah it was!but that intution made sense and also I never met the guy,so it was easy to let go the dissapointment....If I had met him,I'd still be on guard..as first dates(after months of emails)are still first dates....Its just that when he is honest and you are honest and you meet and you click and there are no other problems,its easy to take off from the friendship on net.....after all I know he likes coffee and not tea or he is athiest (why would he lie about that??)

I believe some men are searching honestly like we are,we just have to meet them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 10:50am
Winter, I am with you totally. It is possible. That is the point I am trying to make here. Some of us can talk with someone through mail and phone and fall inlove, then once we get to meet....some of us, can and will have a happy ending. I am not saying that it is not possible to blow up in one's face if fantasy is all you see in it, but if you are realistic about it and keep the honest, open communication flowing...there should be no problem. Two mature adults can work out if they truly have the same common interest in the relationship. If the two want to be together bad enough, the ground rules are still the same even on line. Trust, honesty, respect, love, and effort all come into play in any relationship. On line is just a different angle to come from in a relationship. To each his/her own! Good post Winter!!

gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 10:55am
One never knows who is being honest or not, even in person. Like Anya said...how do you know your own husband isnt lying to you? It is true. You cannot tell, you just have to trust what you feel. The words, "follow your heart" come into my head just now. So, if I cannot trust what anyone tells me, in person or not, should I give up on love? No, I will go forth and take the chances I need to in hopes of happiness one day. If I fall a few times along the way, well so be it. At least I went in with full effort.

Gail

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 11:02am
Well, of course someone can lie to you in person! But you have a much better chance of determining whether that's the case than if you only "know" a person online. So much of communication is nonverbal, and online, you can't tell if a person's words match their actions and how they actually live their life.

I've trusted my feelings before, and I've been wrong. Does that mean I'll never trust or love anyone again? Of course not! But I will be cautious and take everything with a grain of salt early on, until I've had a chance to see if the person acts in accordance with their words.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 11:39am
Agreed. Cautious, and realistic. So, I will go forth and take someone for face value until proven otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 12:16pm
I agree but not in the context of whether you would make a suitable couple for a long term, romantic relationship. I agree in the context of cyber platonic friendships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 1:14pm
Of course anyone can cheat, lie - even if you know them 20 years. It's all a question of risk - to me it is a huge waste of time to risk getting emotionally attached to someone's on line or phone persona without meeting in person ASAP. Same risk assessment I would do when I decide not to date men whose divorce is final for less than a year, not to date separated men, a man who still uses illegal drugs, etc - you said you have three years to invest. I don't and never thought I did even when I was 20 years old. Again just my humble opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 2:00pm
Deena, I do agree with you there than we wont really know wether or not this person wil be a suitable mate untill we have spent sufficient real life time with them. I can know tho that I love this person, and that I am commited to trying my best to make things evolve and work into an intimate relationship. All intimate relationships start out with friendship (or at least they should IMO). Wether that friendship and the feelings that go with it begin online or offline I dont think matters. In fact I read recently that they are finding that relationships which begin online tend to be more enduring and the couples have better communication skills than traditional meetings.

Winter

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 2:28pm
First of all I think you are right...its your opinion...my opinion varies and that is not a bad thing.I think I see internet dating a way of meeting geographicl boundries....Just suppose the guy who is ideal for you is in Califonia(and I'm not even going to say London),will you only search in Ny? Its like searching for car-keys under the street light because that is where the light is...... What is risk,its all learning....Like you sais,20yrs later,they can cheat....so thats my point too...Until I feel something for him,I'm least interested in his history....So,yes I will risk that emotion. Attachment?..No,not until we meet....But feelings,connection,yes. I have 3-yrs plan as in giving this internet thing, 3 yrs as you told me to get off immediately as its not for me.You haven't met me,so you formed an opinion without even knowing me...isn't that too judgemntal?I never attempted this service before a yr ago.I tend to make bad descions when I hurry myself,so yes slow and steady is my policy and agin just my thinking and opinion.

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