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| Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:55pm |
I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice as I'm losing all hope of truly connecting with someone. I'm a 39 year old woman who is considered very attractive and fit -- so I've been told -- I am feeling quite ugly inside and out these days due to the fact that I can't seem to just relax and let things happen when it comes to the dating scene. I have recently met a very nice man through match.com. We both communicated through emails and IM and phone for a couple of months before we decide to meet in person. The first initial meeting went VERY well and we were looking forward to seeing each other again. We then went out a couple of other times and again, had a great time talking and laughing and really learning about each other. By the way, he is 46. Well, here's what happened... He was telling me that he really wanted to get to know me more and that he had no interest in dating others to see where this could lead... and I agreed... but I started to feel uneasy when I kept seeing him online on match.com. I have had crappy experiences in the past where the guy seemed to be "always looking"... .and that just plain ticked me off... I didn't know how to approach him, so I skirted around the issue and he had no idea what I was getting at... so, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore... and he said fine... Well, then I decided I wanted to to talk to him and apologize as that isn't what I wanted to do... but he didn't want to talk so I lost my patience and started to text message him all that was on my mind... and that I couldn't believe he could be still on match after saying he wasn't, blah, blah, blah and that he was a jerk... not good at all, I know... Well, he wouldn't respond to me and that got me even angrier.. .SOOOO, I started to really let him have it.. After I calmed down, I wrote a heartfelt email telling him how lousy I felt for being so mean... He basically is pissed and said he didn't want to talk to me... I kept apologizing, hoping he could see that I was protecting myself, or at least I thought I was...
I have a tough time letting someone in... I always think men "have an agenda"... probably though past disappointments... I know when I do it too.... and boy, I feel terrible now. He has not responded to any of my emails.. The last one said that if he would give me one chance, I would like to redeem myself in his eyes...
I really blew it and sorry for the ramble.. .but I wonder if anyone else has these types of issues on getting to know someone.
Thanks so much!
C

Well, as you probably realize, the real mistake you made was not clarifying what "no interest in dating other people" meant to each of you esp. in terms of keeping profiles up. You could have simply asked him why, if he wasn't interested in dating other people, he still had his profile up, rather than assuming he wasn't keeping his word by having his profile up, and getting so upset with him.
I think you need to use this as a learning experience in not making assumptions. It doesn't sound like this guy is interested in giving you another chance so there's not much you can do other than move on.
The other mistake, IMO, was talking so long before meeting. That may have caused you to have higher expectations of him when you finally met than were appropriate because you felt that you were further along in the dating process than you really were.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.
The thing is, I cannot believe I'm so upset about it... I think I am probably being too hard on myself.
He wasn't much of a phone person.... He liked to IM, I didn't... I had expressed that more than once...
I also think I had some uncertain feelings about him early on that I ignored... like his past relationships... He has had some tragic experiences -- and I mean tragic... And it seemed he was always telling me how he "is ready to give himself to someone" -- I sometimes feel if someone is ALWAYS saying that, it is more that they are trying to convince themselves, rather than actually meaning it, if that makes any sense.
I am at a point in my life where I am truly ready to settle down and I'm very ready. I think I'm meeting men who have waaay too much going on and think they are on the same page. Who knows.
I know I went overboard...that's for sure and I am committed to NEVER doing that again. But one of the things I have a hard time dealing with is someone who "ignores"... That, to me, is a sign of someone who is the type to "abandon" which I'm probably better off knowing now than later.
Anyway, I do take this as a lesson learned... I just want to know how I can move on and not be so hard on myself. I'm just so sad and feel a sense of hopelessness.
Thanks,
C