Getting So Discouraged and Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Getting So Discouraged and Frustrated
6
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:23am

I guess i'm just here to vent and see if anyone else is feeling the same way I am or has ever felt this way. I just turned 30 years old and basically my situation is that all of my friends have someone and arent into the whole "going out" scene anymore. Also, none of them know anyone to try and introduce me to. Eveyone is always saying "you're such a great person and you're so pretty, how come you're single?" well, the answer is I DONT KNOW! I know it's hard with my limited way of meeting people (i'm kind of limited to online dating because of my situation) but i'm having no luck with this avenue either. And the even more disheartening thing is EVERY ONE of my friends has someone. Even the guys. I'm the only single one. I've been single for a year now (some of that by choice) but now i'm ready to meet someone to be with and it just seems I have absolutely no luck in this department and i'm getting so discouraged and frustrated now, sometimes I just want to cry. And I kind of feel like i'm getting older and time is sort of running out you know? I mean, I know 30 is not old, but you know what I mean. So basically i'm stuck with online dating, i've tried every way on here pretty much, and had no luck. I dont know what to do anymore. I almost feel like i'm never going to meet anyone. Have any of you felt like this ever?? What do you do? Does anyone have any suggestions or words that might shed a different light on this?

Thanks
~J

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 10:49am

I don't have any answers for you. I am 46 and have been in the same boat for about 7 years (since my breakup of my long-time boyfriend). I have never been married, which is a real rarity compared with most people. I was engaged to the long-time bf, but I am glad we never married--it would not have been a good situation. I could have married when I was younger, but it would have been to a guy I did not love. Some people get married for the sake of getting married, and I was never willing to settle. So, here I am still single and only one prospect (nothing for sure on that yet either).

I have not had good luck with online dating. I know there are many people who do though, so I would suggest hanging in there a bit longer before throwing in the towel. I started OLD in May of '05. I have had more dates through OLD than I ever had in all of my dating years previously. However, with more dates, you have more risk of rejection, more times that it isn't going to work out. OLD isn't for the thin skinned. And that is ultimately, what you have to decide on. I have taken a hiatus from it for several months and I still am not interested in re-joining either of the dating services. Unfortunately, my skin did not "thicken" much during my time as an active OLD participant.

But, if you read many of the posts on this board, you will learn a lot. Many of those posts helped me to move on from a disappointing letdown with someone. You learn you are not the only one who feels as you do. One of the worst falacies about OLD is that you tend to "want" to believe the eharmony commercials. It should seem like anyone who joins should eventually meet up with a good match. That is almost false advertising to me, in that there are many thousands who have done OLD without meeting anyone. They aren't going to promote that tidbit of info though. However, there is always the chance that you will be in the percentage who DOES meet someone and fall in love. Give it more time and see how you feel later. You can always take a break and try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:11am

I can completely relate to you. I eventually learned that there is more to life than finding someone to love me. I have embraced other relationships that bring love into my life and some are quite unorthodox but I appreciate every one of them.

I use to get the advice back in my younger days that I tried too hard? Not quite sure what that meant but I listened and tried real hard to not to want it so badly. It seemed to be helpful. Not sure if my desperation was written all over my face and heart but guys seem to be quite receptive of me now. I have been through a lot over the course of the past 6 years and have found a new me come out of it all. That new me wants very badly to be loved in the way other people are but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. I focus on other things now. Will love find me? Not sure because I too will not settle and yes I could have married a few times and settled for someone that either was on drugs or I didn't love. I want to be loved like my parents loved each other. They had the best type of love and that has tainted me. I've had a relationship with a man for 12 years that have given me for the first time in my life unconditional love. I was with him in July (he lives in another state...moved in 1997) and we talked over a great dinner and he told me he loved like he has ever loved anyone in his life. We both feel the same way and for the circumstances we aren't able to be together. We almost got married a few times over the 12 years but it wouldn't be a relationship based on sex but on love. We both deserve a relationship that offers each other 100% of the other person. This person will be in my life forever regardless of where we live or who we are with otherwise. I love this man and trust like more than I ever thought possible. I would love to find that in someone but at this time it hasn't happened. He has set the bar real high for me....lol

I guess what I am saying is just relax and enjoy the ride. It is all going to happen good and bad and we need to take it all in stride. You are still young and time will heal all of your what you desire.

Good Luck!!

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:30pm

Hi, I totally relate to the OP. I am 28 and basically the only person i know of who is still single...seriously. Seems like every woman in my age range is obsessed with getting married and having kids. They dont care who they are with, they just seem to be like, ok time to get married...where's the ring?

I have been doing OLD for a little over a month now. It has been ok. I have also had more guys wanting to go out with me than i ever have...unfortunately they arent necesarily what i'm looking for. Ive gone on a lot of first dates and just havent been interested in going on many second ones...it's frustrating. I just want someone who i feel a spark or connection with...i havent felt like that with anyoen i've met online. It seems like everytime I DO feel that spark with someone, they dont feel it back for me...or not long enough for it to last...I refuse to settle though...i want that spark

I would give OLD a shot...for me it was pretty much the best option. Like you, i dont go out with girlfriends much anymore since they're all coupled up...i'm not going out alone...aside from that there's no one at my work im intersted in, no one at the gym...no one in my classes...so that's it for now...Online is where my dates are coming from lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 10:29pm

It's easy to get frustrated with the whole thing.

I got divorced when I was 27 and had maybe 2 relationships since. I finally found someone thru OLD. I am 46 now. It took a while, but it was worth the wait.

Hang in there!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 4:53am
But what about when you want children? Do you have to wait till you're 46 or 47 for Mr. Right to come along? Mother Nature doesn't give us that luxury to reproduce. That's what worries me...I know so many women who are childless and really wish they would've had kids but they didn't because they never met the 'right man' or met him much later in life. That thought really scares me...I want to be patient and not settle but I don't want to miss my opportunity to have kids either. I'm 36, so it is something that's bothering me...something that I'm fully aware of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 4:41pm

That thought scares me too, but what are you going to do if it doesn't happen? I've just come to terms with that this year. And you know what? If I don't have kids of my own, that will be ok. I have so much love and I have kids who love me and that's enough. Yes, I would love my own but I think it's important to be ok with not having them or figure out what options you have otherwise.


The more emphasis you place on that time clock, the less you'll enjoy the time you spend with someone special and you may scare them off, ya know?