GF's friends think I'm a player - ugh!!!
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| Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:13pm |
I would really appreciate the ladies' perspective here:
Things are going very well with my new GF. We both took our profiles off Match last week, everything is great, we are exclusive after 4 dates. However, I am now taking my GF's time away from her best friend (who happens to be on the rocks with her BF), and her friend does not like me intruding on "girls night out".
She is warning my GF that I am a player / serial dater (probably because I was on Match). She is telling her: "how could you be exclusive w/ this guy after only 4 dates?! you don't even know him - he is a serial dater - you are going to get hurt". Do I not talk about it? Try diplomacy with her friend?
The GF does not seem to care what her friends think (others have said the same thing to her by the way). She teases me about being a serial dater, but in fact, she seems to sort of like the drama, and the fact that she is the one who "tamed" me. Her actions are showing a 100% interest level right now.
Thoughts? Will her GF's "convince" her that I am no good? (I guess I'm discovering one of the downsides to OLD - that it makes one a serial dater).

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Seems like way too much drama to me in a pretty short time. Does she not trust her own instincts? I wouldn't like my character being judged so early if I were you and I wouldn't like anyone raining on my parade if I were her. Your relationship will last if it's supposed to - no matter what outside influences exist.
KITB
Well, first off, I think you got exclusive very quickly which some people might be suspicious of. And rightly so - 4 dates is VERY fast to be exclusive with an OLD. Also, I don't think you SHOULD be intruding on "girls' night out" - that is why it is GIRLS' night out. If your GF has a set night that she goes out with her friends, my best advice is to respect that night and let her go out with her friends. The friends will resent you otherwise for "taking her away from them". Besides, it is better for each person to have their own friends, interests and time to themselves and with friends. Also, I know that at this time you really want to spend time with each other, but I think encouraging your GF (calling her that after 4 dates still seems too fast) to support her friend since she is going through a tough time with her own BF is a good idea. It makes you a good suportive BF that understands that his GF has a life outside of the relationship and that he is cool with her still having friends and supporting those friends.
As for what you can do, ask your GF to introduce you to her friends in a non-threatening, fun environment. Maybe have all the girls invite their boyfriends/husbands/SOs. Or just meet them all for dinner or a happy hour where things are casual and fun.
Personally though, I think she wants to be the one to (as you said) tame you and make you a conquest in a way. It sounds like you are pretty smitten but be wary of a girl that sees you as a conquest. Sure she's interested - you are a challenge right now. I don't know anything about her so I don't know if her intentions are genuine or not, but she could be a player herself.
Thanks KITB and vexer!
I definitely have not intruded on girls night out. Not going to smother her.
But now you have me worried that 4 dates was too quick. It was over a 5 week period, so we did get to know each other pretty well. I have met all of her friends, and she has met all of mine. She brought her brother along to a party this weekend, and she met my sister briefly when we were out for drinks.
Is she a player? Probably, but she took her Match profile down, as did I.
Uggh, I don't want to blow this.
Best of luck to you! (I don't have anything new to say that hasn't already been said, I agree with Vexer)
:-)
J
Well 4 dates in 5 weeks is rather spaced out, but if you were also talking on the phone and/or emailing and/or IMing and/or texting, then you would probably know eachother better. But it does sound somewhat fast to me, to be exclusive.
I have been seeing a guy exclusively that I met from OLD. We are in our third month now. Right from the start, I let him know that once a week was girl's night and that it was very important to me. He has been great about it and I think more of him because he acknowledges that it is part of my life and doesn't try to change that part of me.
Girlfriends are important and are there for us whether we have a man in our life or not, so we can't just let our gf's go when we do have a man in our life.
The gf of your gf (that is having trouble with her own relationship) will probably resent any time her friend is spending with you, because she might feel that she needs her friend's support right now. Yet it is up to your gf to even things out and to not shut out one or the other of you. Just try to be nice to her friends, and understanding in your fairly new relationship, yet don't let her walk all over you either.
I'm not sure of your gf's characteristics, so it is hard to say what type of person she really is, but I think the serial dater thing is more of a joke really. And no matter what, you're always going to get negative people who say things like - "You're going to get hurt". It doesn't seem to be bothering your gf so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Let her see the true you and she will decide on her own to what type of person you truly are. That's what I'd do anyway.
Best of luck to you and your new lady. Also it's nice to have another male viewpoint on here, so feel free to come back and post again.
Sunshine
You sound pretty sincere about your intentions towards this girl. Your response to someone's response to your post (got all that?) revealed that to me. As for this chick's GF getting jealous ..women get jealous..fact of nature..in particular, if this girl just broke up with her BF..now she wants someone to hang with..
As for you being a serial dater..well, are you? LOL...online dating gets a really bad rap for that..unfortunately, it happens though..there are devious people out there (had a bad experience myself as well as others). My guess is less than more...
I am saying this only as a word of caution regarding the 4 date thing..things that start up quick, end quick..slow down the pace a bit..meeting the friends, etc..too soon..ease up..I don't consider e-mails and texting as real part of the "get to know you" process...I am still old fashioned that way...face to face, looking into someone's eyes and SEEING who they are is still the way to go...taking your time...there are no shortcuts...The infatuation/lust stage wears off usually by the end of third month...take it slow..get to know her..
As this woman you are seeing apears to be a PDQ =Possible Drama Queen..You might want to nip that in bud right now...I don't think I would like it if someone was relaying to me what someone else said about me ESPECIALLY if it was negative...its RUDE..the woman you are seeing should NOT be doing this..its really unfair to you...putting you in an uncomfortable spot..she needs to work this out with her GF and stop calling you a serial dater...it clearly hurt your feelings..yes? If she has trust issues, she needs to convey that to you..
I'll stop here....hope this helped some.
HI Bill,
As always this group is great for good advice! I am wondering why she(GF) is bringing all of these other people into YOUR relationship? Good to mention other things going on, but she might Like being the center of so much attention, and that speaks towards immaturity.
If you all have had a discussion and both taken your profiles down, then proceed slowly, but the agenda is yours to make. I know my best friend went exclusive within one month with the man from Match she met 19 months ago, and they married this past November. But...the communication level was high, and has stayed there, as yours should. Everyone deals differently, but good things DO happen in Good Time, not at hurricane speed! :)
By the time you read this, I would hope this entire issue has gone 'back burner' for y'all...if not, step back and look at this with new eyes, and see what you see....
Most of all, Good luck and Best of everything in this relationship!!!
truly,
Cupcake
Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone.
Yes, things are going well. I will just have to prove her friend wrong, and give the GF her space i.e. girls night out. The last thing I want is to be too "clingy".
Things are going too well, so I almost have this impending sense of doom - overanalyzing everything, looking for the reasons why this will fail. Ugh.
bill, you're starting to sound like a chick!! Stop that!
You have nothing to prove to the friends, BTW. There's always at least one friend who will throw cold water on a new relationship of another friend. Trust me, it RARELY works on the other friend, so don't worry about your gal's head being turned.
Good luck to you, bill!!
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