The Ghost Lives!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
The Ghost Lives!
17
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:34am

I wrote about this guy last fall. We dated for 5 weeks, I went on a business trip for a few days, and when I came back, he ghosted. I was really into him, he seemed to be into me, especially on our last date (of course I didn't know it would be the last), when he was romantic, lovey-dovey, talking about future things we would do, you know, all that crap.

Well, when we were dating, he took his match profile down. After he ghosted, because I tend to be obsessive about this stuff, I'd check periodically to see if he was back on match. He wasn't, until last week. And by then I had stopped checking (I had started seeing someone else); the only reason I knew he was back is he showed up in one of those emails Match sends you ("here are your newest matches").

Now here's my point (I do have one). I am sorely tempted to send him a sarcastic email along the lines of "imagine my relief that you weren't abducted by aliens or hit by a bus" and then telling him what a crappy thing that was to do to someone. My hairdresser (seriously) thinks I should send it because guys like him should be told their behavior is unacceptable. What's stopping me is having him know that I've thought of him all this time and can't seem to let go. So I will most likely not send any email. My pride won't allow it. But I'm curious, has anyone else ever done that? And what was the Ghost's reaction, if any?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 6:03am
as one former poster used to say on this board that has kept me grounded... dont send it, it only gives the person another chance to reject you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:55am

Gal Yahoo,


I hold those words of advice close to heart also.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:26pm

I know you have decided to not send the email and that is a good thing. Regardless of why someone changes their mind about someone else, it is just respectful to end things and not leave the other person wondering what happened after a certain amount of time, especially 5 weeks. I had a boyfriend "ghost" on me after a year, he started acting a little distant and then literally did not return my calls for over two weeks, when I did finally get the official call he was at work and had literally about 5 minutes to talk and he told me he couldn't do it anymore, our conversation was less than 2 minutes. I guess my "payback" was bumping into him while I was on a date less than a month after we broke up and he apparently was affected by this because a friend of mine bumped into him over Christmas and he asked about me and seemed bothered I was out dating again so soon afterwards. His loss.

My point is that some "men" are too cowardly to end a relationship with some dignity, I always think of Carrie Bradshaw's break-up over a post-it note when I read about these situations. There is nothing you can do or say to these guys to have them realize what they are doing is disrespectful, chances are a woman will do it to them at some point.

Just live well and maybe you'll bump into him while you're out with someone else :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:51pm
after a 4 month relationship last year with someone who made so many plans and was talking about rings!....he left a short horrible goodbye message on my answering machine!!
What a coward....he couldn't even face me...I was so mad for so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 2:27pm

Ya know, I hear these stories and realize I've gotten off easy because my dudes ghost after only a few weeks.
And now the latest ghost (must be something in the air around here) - the guy I've been seeing for a couple weeks appears to have done a runner. Our last date was Saturday - had a great time but he tried to get me to spend the night with him and I declined, feeling it was too soon (I told him that). I sent him an email Monday, he replied, I replied to him and then nothing. Now it may appear I'm jumping the gun, but he was emailing me every day (we both hate the phone). And he made no reference to getting together this week even though I told him I'm going away to see my parents this weekend. Maybe I'm being a nervous Nellie and he hasn't ghosted, but experience has taught me, as others have said (I know Jodie was one), a departure from usual behavior is not a good sign.
By the way, if the reason he ghosted is I wouldn't put out, then good riddance. And it makes me wonder out of all those guys on match who say they want a LTR, how many really mean it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 2:36pm

Hi Carrie,

I think some of them just write in their profiles that they want the LTR just to lure us in! But I think others who write that are sincere.

I agree with you that if they ghost because you won't put out when they think you should, then good riddance! I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who just wanted me for sex! (Althoough it's been awhile now and that is sounding appealing! JK!)

But maybe that isn't the case with your guy. But I have found also that a change in usual behavior is many times a red flag that something is not quite as it was.

Good luck and keep us posted...

Sunshine

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 2:39pm

Sorry to hear that, but it's also been my experience that any change in behavior is never a good sign.

However, I just wanted to note that guys CAN want sex early on AND still want an LTR...it's not mutually exclusive. They just want an LTR with someone who's willing to sleep with them right away ;-). But a guy who's right for YOU will be willing to wait if that's your comfort zone.

Sheri

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