A Ghost Reappears

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
A Ghost Reappears
7
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 2:29pm

I get an IM this morning from a guy I had a date with back in April.

We had dinner and it went OK. He called me later that evening and weekend to let me know he had a great time and was interested in seeing me again. That was the last I heard of him until today. He asked if I was seeing anyone and if I had much luck on the personnels. I was honest and said I only met 1 person but it didn't work out. I asked him if he was still on there and he said No. He doesn't have time for a relationship. But, he misses the adult companionship. The "adult companionship?"

This pretty much sums up the guy I was involved with last. No time for a relationship, but plenty of time for "adult companionship". And these guys are in the 40's.

It's the holidays coming up. Isn't it?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 2:41pm

Yep, that's pretty common in our age group, I think...many men don't want the responsibilities of a relationship but they want the benefits: companionship (but only when THEY feel like it, of course) and sex.

I'm in one of those type of relationships now (a conscious choice on my part) but I realize it's strictly a "meantime" relationship and isn't going to go anywhere...if you've read my posts you know he's moving shortly. I'm fine with that for now...while I want the "real thing" and am going to continue to look for it, I'm settling for companionship and sex in the meantime because I missed both. But since it's not really what I want, I'm not sure how satisfying it will end up being. It's an experiment...we shall see ;-).

But anyway, I totally hear where you're coming from and empathize with you...it's frustrating, that's for sure. And yes, I think the fact that the holidays are coming means these guys will come out of the woodwork...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:25pm

That's so funny, the same thing happened to me! Our first (and only) date was in April, which I never heard back from him again. So when I went back online in August, he emails me. After playing for a little while through email, I said, "You don't remember me do you?" And he did! But his recount of the date was a little different than mine (I didn't think it went so well) and he said he never called/emailed because he thought I wasn't interested.

So he spent the next month (because I really didn't believe him) trying to convince me to go out on another "first date" so we could get to know each other (the first date was a happy hour). So I finally caved and agreed to go out. We made plans for a Friday, that Thursday he cancelled--said he was sick, but hoped I would give him another chance to take me out. I simply emailed him and said that I hoped he felt better...no comment about the next date.

That same weekend, Saturday at midnight, he text me and said come to the town where he lived. Obviously it was a drunk text (no we never slept together, so I didn't set a precedence) :) So I text, "Not a chance in hell". Which he didn't respond to...(this is all happening in late September)

So the next time I hear about him is right before Halloween...when he sends an email like nothing ever happened..."So, how are you? What are the kids going to be for halloween? Hope all is well...blah blah blah."

I had to laugh and think, what in the hell is going through these guys' minds? Do they severely underestimate us and think we have "forgotten" what happened prior? Why would someone waste their time to even email someone who they obviously aren't seriously interested in? I sent him an email and asked him point blank what the deal was (not quite so nicely)--haven't heard back, and if I ever do--I will seriously chalk him up as someone who belongs in the looney bin...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 2:52am

>I had to laugh and think, what in the hell
>is going through these guys' minds?

What is even funnier is the way women continue to entertain these guys.

>Do they severely underestimate us and think
>we have "forgotten" what happened prior?

No, they don't. They correctly estimate a woman's *inability* to ignore men who treat them like crap.

>Why would someone waste their time to even email someone
>who they obviously aren't seriously interested in?

Because women waste their time by writing back.

Why would you continue communicating with him after he cancelled the date you had arranged for Friday?

Why bother texting "Not a chance in hell" ?

Why "ask him point blank what the deal was" ?

Seriously...why??

"I just feel like, the older I get, the more pickier I am--subconsciously"

Really?? You could have fooled me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 4:42pm

I have also found the guys in their 40's, even the guys in their 30's, expect a woman to completely mold her life around his, his wants, and his needs! But then I guess there are women out there that are accepting the small amounts these guys are willing to give, that are on the guy's terms only. Yet that is ok if that is what she wants, what they both want, but I want more.

It is very frustrating to me since you can meet a decent guy and there might be some chemistry there, but then you find he really has no time for dating. It's like WTF are you even doing on a dating site then?!!!! Yes, I know, these guys just mainly want to get laid when THEY want it and to have a women accompany them at social events, but really they do not want relationships of any form!

Then on the other hand, you have the clingers who want to invade EVERY aspect of your life! I can't seem to find any guys that are in-between these two extremes, do they exist???!!!

Then if you mention that you are interested in finding someone to have a relationship with (not on the first date but maybe after a couple to see if they are on the same page or not), it scares them and you never hear from them again!

I keep trying to be optimistic, but am not having good luck finding a good one!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 5:10pm

Though I agree with most of what you say, I think unless you have been doing OLD for some time, the behavior we display or the men display will not make sense until you see the patterns in it and experience it for yourself. LOL. Nothing wrong with texting a person back and letting them know that you will not honor his request otherwise it's possible he'll keep doing it!


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 11:54pm

I was away from the office and my computer for a couple days due to Thanksgiving, but when I logged on earlier today, I noticed a "Have a Happy Thanksgiving Mitsy" in my instant messenger box from the last guy I talked with online quite a lot several weeks ago. We also talked on the phone a couple times but he was also the same one who said he "froze up" when meeting people for the first time. He said this in response to me asking when we'd ever meet. I had to wonder why someone like that even had a profile online to begin with as well. He is a single Dad and works in another town so has a ways to travel to his job, but STILL, you'd think he'd make time for someone if he was interested in meeting anyone. He admitted that there was no one for him in the town he lived in (which is what I've said about where I live).

For some reason, I never removed him from my messenger list, but I figured he had removed me from his until I get that corny message. Why on earth would he care if I had a good Thanksgiving when I hadn't heard anything out of him in weeks? I did not respond to the message but thought I would see if he was ever online again when I was. If that ever happens, I think I will ask him why he has a profile on two different sites if he's too scared to ever meet someone. Makes no sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 7:18am

Does it ever occur to any of you that these ghosts/non-daters are you using the dating process and the fact that women are taught to act extremely polite to their benefit????

These men know:

1) It is up to men to take the lead in dating, and women will allow them to do that.

2) Women will most likely not tell someone off.

3) OLD allows them to communicate via email with many unsuspecting and kind women.

This is a recipe for all sorts of shenanigans if you have not-so-nice dysfunctional men.

I think if a man ghosts on you with no explanation and suddenly reappears months later and thinks all is good, it's because he knows the three items I have listed above. If you think this man's behavior was inappropriate and he is blatantly jerking you around to get what he needs from you, why don't you tell him, "Hey, you are out of line. You disappeared and now you are expecting friendly communication. I am think you are a huge jerk and quit writing/bothering me. Loser!"

If we all did that when this happened, there might be a lot less men out there sucking the our good will and good graces right out of us.