This goes with the QOTW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
This goes with the QOTW
5
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 12:35pm
How long before you decide to move in together, I know Deena said as long as there is a wedding date set. What if the wedding date is set then he moves in and it is needed to be postponed then what? When living together whose name goes on lease, what if things go south and you both are on the lease, would you leave? Come on ladies; let’s get this going. Just think of how many lurkers you will help by responding to this.

Oh, online... When you've met the person online and you both have been talking 6 mos. to a year. They need to move and brings up getting a place with you, would you trust it? Just curious, I know we talked of money being a big red flag. I have heard this before, and women have gotten caught in situations where the guy says he lives somewhere and they have talk for a long period of time and she begins to trust him. As they are in a relationship online he mentions he has to move out of the blue one day. She figures hmm, I’ve known him for a while and whatever excuse he uses that he has to move seems ok and they move in and then question from the beginning of this post comes into a factor. I know you all will give great feedback and help the lurkers out there understand.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:36pm
Marie, you are such a smart girl!!! Great bonus questions!!! Okay, well here are my answers. How long before you move in together is really all on how you feel about the person. If you feel comfortable with the idea, then go for it. If you plan to be married and the date gets postponed, well again...it all depends on how you feel about the person. Now, personally I would want my name on the lease for sure. Now, lets take my situation. I met Mark on line 3 months ago and in that three months, we have gotten to know one another very well. As well as anyone can on line, over the phone and through mail. SO...we have discussed once he is here, living together, and we have discussed marriage. So....we will move into together if everything goes as planned and we get along and all that. Yes, my two sons will live with us. My name would be on the lease, since it will take mark time to get himself established here in the states. Later, once he is though, his name could be added of course. I trust Mark as he trusts me and I believe when we make plans to get married, once we were living together, there would be no need to postpone the event. I do not feel Mark is taking advantage of me and would make me very happy once all was planned. Now, this goes back to my original idea, that it depends on how you feel about the person totally. Living together can be fun, exciting and a great learning process for both parties. With children involved, I plan to take more time in making my decisions when Mark gets here, but all in all, I do love him. It will work out just fine, I am sure. Thanks for the added bonus Marie. I enjoyed it!!

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:49pm
As in my post below, I did move in and we did postpone but thank goodness I always had sufficient funds to move back out and get my own place and that is the only way I would agree to such an arrangement. I'm sure it won't surprise you to know that I would never ever move in with someone who I only typed to/talked to - and I would be very reluctant to move in with anyone for financial reasons - as in he could not afford his own place - that type of situation to me is only appropriate if you are already married. When I had my name on the lease and my wedding was cancelled my ex-fiancee graciously agreed to take over the lease and never asked me for a dime (the rent was several hundred more than his own place so not such a big deal for him).

If I ever get married - and I hope I do - I want it to be to someone who has good sense financially and who, like me, has saved a substantial nest egg and is ready to start and support a family. I am not interested in someone who lives paycheck to paycheck in my age range (36) unless there is extremely good reason for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 2:23pm
Deena, I really respect your sense of discipline in life. It is real handy in the area of the heart I am sure. I guess you dont ever have to worry about your heart getting your head confused on issues with men. Good for you, girl. Most of us arent so disciplined in our love life, though. Personally, I think it is important for the man I move in with, or marry to be financially secure in some way. I would be going back to the same life I left my Ex for. No money means no security and that is where problems can start. I am thankful to know though, that if I decide to move in with Mark (if all goes as planned), he has a substanial amount of money put away. He is a hard working man, which I think is a wonderful quality and feel secure knowing that if things go as we hope they will, then we will be okay. So, this is just all talk though. What ifs and all. So, I just wanted to say, I agree that when you move in with someone, even with the intent to marry, it is a good idea to have money saved in case it doesnt work out and you have to move abrubtly. Good plan. A Gf I know, had to move out from her fiance and she had the money, so it worked out. She only had to get over the relationship emotionally and not financially. They shared a few bills, but it was resolved in a civil manner as you and your finace did. I hope you get married too Deena and I hope you get the chance to have a child one day. Life is not worth living, if you cant share some of your soul with someone. See ya girl!!

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 3:34pm
I married him and no lease name,no bank account or sharing a joint account.He even took money from my account to the tune of 3000$ nad I finally lost it after 7 months(well other abuse factors were involved).I left.If I did not have a sibling,I'd have to go home to my parents.I was an emotional wreck and at 25 yrs I've never felt more lost.I dealt with all th pain and hurt and it was a year long process off reading,learning and understanding...I'm fine now.I never asked for my money back,I do not want his money either.He just dosen't realise what a good thing he let slip and I'm not going to let him justify his actions to me.

So always having a financial backup helps...always...for its the last thing you want to worry about when your life is falling apart.Not even the safest couple should assume that they are safe...Its not about lack of love,its presense of common sense.

Also .....I really think,Life is always worth living.The love we feel for a man is not because he gave us his love.....we had it in us all the time,he just brought it up...so if he isn't there,we can still learn to love ourselves.Love is inside of us.Not everyone is destined to share a life and soul,but life will always be beautiful.The beauty of life is growth,lessons learned,experiences chalked down,..so much.

I learnt all this the hard way and so will never ever dishonour life by giving it value only when I have someone,achieved something,am certain weight...no...it is unconditional love.I am alive and I am thankful to God for that.

Anya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 5:03pm
Oh, these are also good!


"How long before you decide to move in together, I know Deena said as long as there is a wedding date set."

I totally agree with this, but it's what works for me. I needed the date set, deposits put down, my fiance excited to be married, and a nice rock on my finger, before I'd consider it. For me, all of this took place in seven months, but at 29, I knew exactly what I was looking for.


"What if the wedding date is set then he moves in and it is needed to be postponed then what?"

Hehehe let's hope this doesn't happen, we'll lose thousands of dollars at this point!


"When living together whose name goes on lease, what if things go south and you both are on the lease, would you leave?"

I guess it would depend on the situation. In mine, although I have a good career and have a nice apartment by myself, my fiance makes three times as much as me. I'm an "occupant" on the lease in his place, but I am not a co-lessee. If things went south, I would leave, because I couldn't afford the place on my own. I'm sure we would come to an equitable agreement though.


"Oh, online... When you've met the person online and you both have been talking 6 mos. to a year. They need to move and brings up getting a place with you, would you trust it? "


No, not at all, but then, like Deena, I don't believe in getting involved in long distance relationships where I have met the other person, or truthfully, in chatting online. I met my fiance through the personals- I responded to his ad, and 4 e-mails later we agreed to meet for coffee in person. We haven't e-mailed since. I would not trust my financial security on someone I hadn't gotten to know in person first.


"Just curious, I know we talked of money being a big red flag. I have heard this before, and women have gotten caught in situations where the guy says he lives somewhere and they have talk for a long period of time and she begins to trust him. As they are in a relationship online he mentions he has to move out of the blue one day. She figures hmm, I’ve known him for a while and whatever excuse he uses that he has to move seems ok and they move in and then question from the beginning of this post comes into a factor. I know you all will give great feedback and help the lurkers out there understand. "



Well, like I said before, I would not get into this type of situation. I do not have the time or inclination to "talk" to someone romantically for great lengths of time, unless I know them in person. I would only meet people who are local, and meet them in person as soon as possible to find out if they are who they say they are. I also expect any man I am dating to be financially solvent and not need any form of "help" from me, financial or otherwise. I learned from painful experience that the men who need assistance are not the good ones, and a man of character would never dream of imposing on you.

My $0.02

HS