Going To Take A Break
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| Sat, 12-24-2005 - 3:49pm |
I guess that I just don't have a thick enough skin for online dating. I just sent a guy who had sent me a email my picture and he wrote back that he just didn't feel a match. Now while I understand that people need to feel some sort of chemistry I feel like these guys are looking for a model or barbie doll type and it is interesting to me because they are not all that themselves. This makes me feel really unattractive and bad about myself. I don't know how to not take it personally. I have always been told that I am cute or attractive and when I go out to bars I have men approach me, but this online thing is really making me doubt myself. I just don't get it. Has this happened alot to other people? I guesss that I am going to have to try other avenues for dating. At this point, I think that meeting someone at a bar is better than this. If I keep doing this my confidence will totally be shot.
Karalyn

You have people approach you IRL and find you attractive, but not 100% of the people you meet are interested in you, right?
I'm sorry you're having a bad time. I have a lot of pretty negative experiences as well. I had one guy tell me I wasn't his match. I had another wish me luck. I think one thing we need to keep in mind is that these guys may have agendas that have nothing to do with us. I'm certain one guy just messaged me to try to make me feel bad. With OLD, one has to take everything with a grain of salt, so to speak. I'm not certain they're looking for barbie dolls so much as many of them want a challenge, not a woman. It's really boring from my perspective. If you want more positive responses, just keep them waiting for at least two days. That's whets their appetites and makes them start wondering what's wrong with them, at least that's my experience. It's ridiculous that people can't just communicate and meet but there are a lot of game players. Then those of us who aren't game players have gotten played enough that we're wary of anyone who comes on too strong.
I think of it like that riddle where the guy goes to heaven with two angels standing outside two doors. One is a bad angel in front of the door leading to he## and the other is a good angel in front of the door leading to heaven. The person can only ask one angel one question to find out which door leads to heaven. The bad angel always lies and the good one always tells the truth. The answer to the riddle is to ask that if that angel were the other angel, which door would they tell them to choose. The bad angel always lies, so he would say the other angel would say the door to hades. The good angel always tells the truth but knows the bad one always lies, so he would say the one to hades, also. Either way, the person should choose the opposite door.
What this has to do with on-line dating, I don't know. Well, actually I think we mostly learn about someone by how they feel about others. If they judge others harshly, they'll probably judge us harshly as well. The tricky part is knowing whether they're honestly relating their experiences or if they're altering it because they're not honest. One thing we need to bear in mind about rejection is that they could be telling lies about us, if they're not honest, i.e., they don't relate to us in a way that's consistent and reliable. That's why I like this board. The people here seem very honest and caring.
P.S. I suppose the opposite door could be symbolized to represent playing it cool rather than earnestly when applied to OLD.
I finally was able to stop taking dating rejection personally after reading "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, so I would recommend it to you.
Do you find every guy your friends think is handsome to be attractive? I sure don't. I can't stand facial hair, for example, so if a friend thinks a guy with a beard is hot, I'm like, hmmm, he's not for me. It's not *personal* and it's not that he's not objectively "attractive", he's just not my type!
Not everyone is going to find you attractive...that's just life.
I find it best to post a picture so that there's no awkwardness. So if you ever decide to give OLD a try again, that might be a good solution. That way, only men who find your picture attractive will contact you.
Sheri
While I do understand that not everyone will be attracted to me, it is still hurtful when someone doesn't respond after you send your picture. I don't feel comfortable just posting a picture up for everyone to see, but this is a good suggestion. I guess I had hoped that I would have more luck with online dating and that there would be more sincere men doing it. I am sure that there are some, but it seems like you have to go through alot that are not first.
karalyn
Well, it doesn't *have* to be "hurtful"...it's not to me, since I don't take it personally. I have been using Craig's List lately and didn't feel comfortable posting a pic with my ad due to the way that site is...but I've sent my pic to a bunch of people over the last month or so, and a number haven't written back after I've sent it (and I've done the same). I just say to myself, "oh well, guess I wasn't their type". I didn't used to feel that way so my point is, you *can* teach yourself to not take it personally and not be hurt, if you are so inclined.
But yes, you do have to go through a lot of not sincere men on OLD, that's for sure!! And I do understand it's not for everyone.
Sheri
Karalyn,
ITA. I the 5 or so years (off and on) that I've been doing OLD, I can't even count the number of guys I've met for coffee. Let's approximate....say....50 (but probably more)? Out of those 50, I would have gone out with 80% of them again. So, that makes 40 guys that I would have gone out with again. But not ONE asked for a second date. So, if 40 guys didn't like me enough for a second date, then the common denominator must be ME. Let me also add that my picture was posted on the sites for them to see. The photos were recent and a pretty good likeness of me. Maybe they thought that a miracle would happen and Angelina Jolie would show up instead of me?
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That's why I stopped. I would have to be a complete moron to keep doing this to myself.