Gonna get worse before it gets better

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Gonna get worse before it gets better
13
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:41am

I have done so well. No initiating contact, no phone call and no text messages. Even over the weekend I thought about him a few times but had no desire to contact him in any way. He knows though and that scares me a bit because he is really battling to save his job and I don't want him to have to be inconvenienced by my distance. Okay so you are all thinking oh well it's his problem but he's my friend and I want him to succeed. He visited my desk on Friday and was hilariously funny and we laughed about his new desire to cook and his favorite X-box game. He again came over to my area yesterday and was witty and funny with his ex-co-workers. (He use to work in my area long before I came there). He hadn't visited them in a long while and it was nice to see him laugh again with his "homies"..I think I spelled it right...that's what he calls them. He flirted with me along the way too. I use the word flirt because he said little to me but made that strong eye contact that we hadn't done in a while.

I think I am most confused on how to handle him post contact. Can someone please shed some light on how unfair it will be for me to ignore him?? I am cordial to him when I see him and make no indication that I want to be left alone. If he wasn't having so much troubles at work I would talk to him in regards to all of this. I just don't think he needs the burden right now. He is going to try to pull me back in naturally and I can see the trend starting. And I know eventually we will just be co-workers again (If he keeps on pushing himself like he is now!!) and it will be fine. But in the meantime this is very difficult but I know it's the right thing for me to do.

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. I promise all of you I will NEVER involve my heart with another person I work with again!!!!!!!!!

F

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 11:35am

I think the best thing to do is what you're doing...keep your distance and stay detached. Just because he's trying to "pull you back in" doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 11:40am
Can you tell him that you need distance because you're going through your own stuff? I'm not sure what the history is between you two, but it may help if you tell him that you don't want to be emotionally involved with him and that you need time and space to adjust. This seems like the kind of situation where you'll have to be direct and not just 'hope' and try to make it go a certain way. You said he was making all this eye contact with you and flirting...do you think he is aware of what he's doing and what it does to you? You know, it is in your power to tell a guy you don't want him acting that way to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 1:14pm

I wish it was that simple. The eye contact and flirting started back a year ago and it wasn't so unusual yesterday. I really can't talk to him about all of this because he would think I was fretting and if he doesn't it would just be too much stress for him. If he asks which I doubt he will I will let him know that I am giving him plenty of space to focus on the task of saving his job. Sounds supportive and less negative. I am rooting for his success here.

Thanks.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 2:22pm

I know what it's like to care about someone in a work situation. The guy I cared about (and still do really) whom worked at the same place, still is connected with the company, but he is not in the store on a regular basis anymore due to a position change. However, even after he told me that he "just didn't need a woman", I found it hard to see him or interact with him after that. It was hard on my emotions because I just could not understand the inner-workings of a man who simply did not need intimate relationships the way most people do. Eventually, we did become friends again. We can interact and it's not nearly as painful as it once was. I will always care about this guy, but I know we will never be together as a couple. He has stayed true to his batchelor solo image. He dated someone briefly after me, but that did not last long either. I waited much too long on this guy I believe is A-sexual. He simply does not need intimate relationships. For a while, I thought he might be gay and in some ways, I would have been relieved to have found that out. Would have made more logical sense to me. I now exert little effort in our friendship, but we have remained friends which is surprising to me sometimes when I think about it.

On the other hand, I also know what it's like for a guy to send mixed messages to someone. I have been interested in other men who behaved this way, and it leaves you confused, wondering if he does or doesn't like you, whether he's worth pursuing or not. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions and ultimately it is not much fun after so long. I think most women wait much too long on men to "decide" what they want. I have done it with just about every guy I have ever cared about. The waffling man is not a hot commodity, but it sometimes takes a while for a woman to figure out that she has a waffler. :0




Edited 11/14/2006 2:30 pm ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:38am

Please please please PLEASE try to understand that it IS as simple as removing yourself from his life and him from yours totally and completely apart from contact related to work - at work, and focusing on someone else who would want you, fancy you, desire you, be totally into you as a woman and a person, need you and want you in his life on a permanent basis. Please stop trying to save him and creating problems in YOUR life based on HIS problems. You don't need this, and he doesn't need your help and concern either. Please let go and get on with your life!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:12am

I am confused. I have indicated that I have ceased any contact with him...phone calls and text messages and whatever contact is initiated by him. What do you expect me to do? I WILL NOT HURT THIS MAN OR MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE AT WORK BY BEING COLD TOWARDS HIM! He is my friend.

F

p.s. I am NOT one of those women who gets angry and even with men if they don't fancy me that way. This man is very special to me as a friend and just because he doesn't want to have that type of relationship with me doesn't mean he has done anything wrong. Your posts come across so hostile Julia. I am not you....I don't desire to hurt anyone I just want to put myself back to a friendship level with him.

And as I indicated before I have other men in my life that have the potential of being that man you indicated in your post. As I said before this isn't about finding someone else it's about disconnecting my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:17pm
As I said before, I do not mean to be hostile. It's just that your posts are, how do I put this, exasperating to a point. You keep talking about this man, you keep analyzing his behaviour, 'involving' yourself in his life and problems. I bet you anything he does not spend his time thinking about you and trying to solve your problems and analyzing why you looked at him this or that way. Look, all I'm trying to say is: you keep referring to the fact that you have plenty of other 'man' options to pursue. Well, do pursue them. Pursuing other options is the best way to 'disconnect your heart'. You seem to be obsessed with this man and this comes across in your posts. Stop. Think. Who is the most important person to you? YOU. Not him. Who would be the second most important person to you? A good decent man who would love and respect and adore and fancy you and want to be a part of your life and for whom you would feel all the same things. You understand and admit that it is clear that he does not like or want you 'that' way. Yet you still do and try to mask this by claiming to care about him as he is a very good friend. You need to re-focus your attention. How many more months are you going to spend pining over someone who does not feel the same? All you're doing is wasting your time. He is a good friend? Cool. When good friends need help they ask for it, and you give it to them. You don't spend your days obsessing about good friends and overanalyzing their behaviour. It is not productive, it brings nothing but hurt feelings - you are number one, TAKE CARE OF YOU. He'll be ok in the end, with or without your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:01pm

I completely disagree with what you are saying back to me. I am disappointed yes but way beyond the desire to want to be more to him. I post here for support and advice and your advice isn't helping me it is only aggravating the situation. You are reading between the lines here. Maybe you are the type of person who would move onto a new person when you haven't finished with the previous one. This is unhealthy behavior and I am a bit obssessed maybe with W and would not be good in another relationship because of it and I recognize this.

You need to open your mind to what others need and NOT rely so heavily on what is right for you. I am this man's friend through this whole thing and with his current state of shaky employment I will not abandon him. If you interpret this a certain way that is your decision but I am truly almost at a good point with him and I guess I am done posting here because I am so tired of having to defend myself to you. You got some real anger issues and I am done being the one that you attack to make yourself feel good.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:44am

Fluffybuttdiva,

As you are - intentionally or not - completely missing my point, all I have left to say is I rest my case.

Good luck to you..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:31pm

I am new here and I don't know the whole story or the OP.
Just my thoughts after I read this, because I went through something similar.

As it was said before, when you honestly feel only friendship, you don't analyze your feelings anymore so much and you don't obsess. You seem to be in the stage where you try to talk yourself into this because somehow you hope, things will change between you guys. I can only assume this, I might also be wrong. If you are really a "friend", you let your friend do what he has to do, you have no problem to tell him where you stand. That won't interfere with his job situation, right? You don't feel the need to interpret every sentence and look. Actually it wouldn't be worth the time posting and stressing over it, if you would really be clear about that friendship. Think about it.

Don't fool yourself, if that is what you are doing.

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