Good Guy...No sparks Part 2....
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:43pm |
I really need some help and assistance.
I recently posted where I met a great guy..however there are just no sparks.
He works with both my brother and mother. They love him!! My mother feels he is just so wonderful. I have confided in my mother that there simply are no sparks. However I will give it a shot.
Anyway...a great guy...Super great guy!! Did I say great guy??
I have gone out with him twice and he has helped me move this past week.
Last night he kissed me. There were sooooooo "NO" sparks that I almost felt nauseaus (sp).
I couldn't wait for him to leave. I feel soo guilty. To add insult to injury, he called my cell and left me a VM on his way home..telling me he "thinks" he loves me.
He burned my phone up this morning trying to apologize..begging for me to call him. Finally I wrote him an email explaining that he is an incredible guy, however I just don't have it in me to develop a relationship at this time.
He emailed me back begging me to call him. I simply told him that I feel I made the best decision and wished him well. However here is my dilemma,
My mother wrote me..explaining that she initially felt this way with my father(There were no sparks)none the less she eventually developed great sparks with him. They have been married almost 40 years and are very much in love. She then reitereated that this guy is a great guy and not to write him off yet.
I wrote her back and explained that I have given it a go, and know for a doubt that I won't develop the feelings he deserves. I gave it my best.
She wrote me back and said that she is sure I will change my mind.
I am angry with her...because although I feel so relieved to tell him that nothing will come between us..and know in my gut that I made the right decision...she has me second guessing.
Am I nuts here?
Jodie
Edited 5/4/2005 1:50 pm ET ET by truewild1969
Edited 5/4/2005 2:34 pm ET ET by truewild1969

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First, I think the guy is not wound too tightly (not to say that you aren't a great catch and worth crying over...)
Secondly, as a guy I have to say that we logically try to read the signs that the other person is interested and this should be pursued more.
From the description of everything that happened ("great date") it sounds like you may have given him somewhat mixed signals by continuing on, appearing to enjoy yourself and having him help you move, etc. It can be very confusing to try to interpret these things in the early stages of getting to know someone.
Reading your initial post on this matter several day ago I originally thought you were describing your ideal match (until you got to the "no chemistry" part).
None of this excuses a guy from calling and crying on the phone at such an early stage - but I think in the future the LJBF speech or turning the cheek when the kiss moves in would be a clearer message.
Also, email is a much easier way to break these things in the early stages and a warning "friends first" shot.
Sounds like you were moving at about 5mph and this guy had the gas pedal on the floor (at least in his mind).
What a nightmare Jodie! Sheesh! Have you filled your mom in on the obsessive behavior? Maybe letting her know his desperate, clingy neediness will help her understand that this guy is not the great catch that she seems to think he is.
One thing to think about - do you think that your mom and brother in any way "encouraged" him or otherwise influenced his behavior? You know, things like encouraging him to be persistent and keep after you even if you seemed a little gunshy just because they thought the two of you would be perfect? I had that happen once with some friends at their wedding. The bride had invited this guy friend of hers and there was a group of us single girls that all went (it was in Vegas). She'd told him about all of us but that he would probably like ME the most. He was a nice guy, but I did not find him attractive at all and he was kind of annoying. But he just kept after me, trying to talk to me and do things with me and sit by me and all that - mostly because the bride had told him that he would like me, thus implying that I would like him too! She came up to me after a couple of days of this and said, "He thinks you hate him, but I told him to keep after you because you were shy". I didn't "HATE" him, but I didn't want to date him either and I was so annoyed at her for telling him to keep after me!
Your mom could be leading him to believe that with persistence he could win you over and even telling him the stories about her and your dad - how his persistence won her over and they lived happily ever after. It is time to make sure that mom knows that it ain't gonna happen no matter what she wants and that his obsessive behavior was the nail in an already closed coffin.
Last, lg's comments DO have a lot of merit. This guy could have been reading things totally wrong. I know we encouraged you to give it a chance and htat you shut it down as soon as you were positive that nothing would happen, but in this case, it appears that might not have been the best idea. But who knew that he would turn into a freaky Clingon!! Yikes.
Jodie, I'm SO sorry you are having to go through this! I can't *believe* your mom still thinks he's a good guy...did you TELL her what he did??? That's not normal by ANY stretch of the imagination! I don't care how many fantasies he had going on in his head...this reaction after only TWO DATES is just plain WEIRD. Can you imagine if one of us did that to someone we'd had two dates with? The guy would be calling the police so fast it would make our head spin!
Hang in there...is he calling you at home or work? If at home, I'd get call rejection and block him.
Sheri
LG-Very good "food for thought". I have thought of that very same concept. I do feel that I led him on. We emailed each other a lot, so therefore, I think I gave him the impression that this was way more than what it was. However I would have never anticipated the reaction.
Amjay, Vex, Sheri, CGUN, Everyone-Thanks so much for your support and words of encouragement.
Lessons I have learned from this experience....
1) Don't date anyone your family works with
2) If there is no chemistry...limit the contact until you know either way.
Again, Thank-you
Jodie
http://tickers.ticke
Bummer of a situation. When I read your first post, I didn't really see a "dilemma"; I saw that you didn't like him and weren't going to keep going out with him.
I do think you learned at least one wrong lesson, though.
>>1) Don't date anyone your family works with<<
Wrong. The lesson is that just because your family thinks he's cool doesn't mean that he IS. But you can get these psycho-can't-let-go folks from anywhere.
The other part of the lesson is that your family needs to be smacked with a great big wake-up call. This dude is a weirdo! You should tell them everything- that he loves you after kissing you once and going out twice, that he's calling tons of times a day, that he was emailing you tons of times a day, and that even after he said "if you just tell me 'no' I'll go away" he DIDN'T.
And if they still give you grief... well, that tells you something about your family.
>>2) If there is no chemistry...limit the contact until you know either way. <<
Dunno about "limit the contact" but if you've got no chemistry you're right- there's no reason to be in constant contact with someone.
Good luck, this sounds like a toughie.
Hello Everyone. Final note on this thread, then I can gladly tuck this whole experience away.
I have not heard from him directly. HE did tell my brother to wish me a "Happy Mother's day!"
I had to spend yesterday at a Bar-b-q with the family. I have been kind of quiet since this whole incident exploded.
My brother finally broke the ice by saying....Hey Jodie, I am sorry things didn't work out with you and Rob. I do however feel he jumped the gun and definitely understand why you reacted the way you did. He further mentioned, that he would have never known he would react that way and apologized.
I felt really good about that.
Thanks again for all your support.
Love,
Jodie
http://tickers.ticke
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