Got blown off tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Got blown off tonight
11
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:00pm

I went out with the guy I've been dating for almost a month last night. (aka. The cop or Mr. Inappropriate). We had a pretty good time for the most part. I talked to him a bit about how I felt about his inappropriate comments at times(basically I called him on it when he did it again and told him how I felt) He apologized and said he didn't think he was doing it that often (ughh,ok) then he said he was trying to be a gentlemen(ugh, yeah right). He said he'd try not to do it as often.

Anyway.. fast forward to today. This morning I talked to him and he mentioned maybe hanging out again tonight so I said I had a few errands to run this afternoon and he said to call him when I was done. So I called him and he was out shopping with his parents and didn't make any mention of hanging out with me so I said, "did you still want to come over for dinner or hang out tonight" and he said "yeah he could probably do that, but needed to find out if he was going to dinner with his parents and he'd call me a little later. This was at 3pm. So dinner came and went and at 7:30 I tried calling him and got no answer. By this point I was geting kinda pissed. He finally called me at 8:30 and acted like we had never even discussed hanging out. I told him that he upset me because I was waiting around for him to call about dinner and I would have made other plans if I knew he was going to be busy but since I thought he wanted to hang out I didn't. His excuse was that he ended up going out to dinner with his parents and then they came over to his house for a bit. Ok, I'm fine with that, but he could have at least called me to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to hang out around dinner time.

When I told him I was upset he acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. He did apologize to me, but I just felt like he didn't really care that much, or at least thats the impression I got from him. Am I way off base to be upset about this? I asked him if he was going to just stay at home or if he would still like to come over since it was only 8:30. He said "why did you want to do something?" Ughh!! So I said well only if you really want to. So then he said he was going to take a shower and just go right to bed. I was honestly hoping that he would come over but I guess not. I was a little mad about that. He did ask what I'm doing tomorrow but I said I was busy (which I am, I have a date with another guy, but I didn't give him any details just said "I'm busy" )

Then, I logged into match.com a little bit ago and I looked at his profile and it said he was Online! So yeah.. he didn't go right to bed. Now, we aren't exclusive and I am dating other people also, so I really shouldn't be mad about that, but for some reason I am. I guess because I feel like he'd rather talk to other girls on match then hang out with me tonight who he has been seeing for a month. And also because he hasn't even really logged into Match for a week or two but he did tonight and I caught him while he was online when he was supposidly sleeping.

Stupid me in my anger sent him an email from match saying "hmm, so I guess you didn't go to bed" and left it at that. I got no response from him. I really hope I'm not sounding like some kind of psycho because I normally don't do stuff like that. I was just really mad. He said earlier when we talked on the phone that he'd call me tomorrow.. but I guess we'll see now, if I haven't screwed it up with my jealous anger.

Oh well I guess, just a crappy night. Thanks for listening to me vent.

On a side note, I have a 2nd date with the guy I went out with on Thurs. I'm excited because he seems really nice and we seemed to have a connection. Hopefully I can forget about tonight and just focus on this new guy and maybe the cop will come around.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:43pm

Yeah, he definitely should have called you to let you know as he said he would, although from what you wrote, he sounded pretty non-committal about coming over when you'd talked earlier so I don't think I would have been counting on it happening.

And just to play devil's advocate, signing on to Match for a few minutes to check emails or whatever involves a LOT less energy than hanging out with someone else, even someone you like ;-). So I really don't think that's an "either/or" situation. It sounds like you overreacted to that a bit.

But maybe it's just not meant to be with this guy...so don't sweat it. Enjoy your dates this week and just see what happens.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:57pm

I agree I over-reacted. You know how sometimes you do irrational things when you are upset. I think thats what happend. I regret sending that email.

You are right he wasn't very commited to hanging out tonight. So I shouldn't have just assumed we were going to. Honestly I was more mad that he didn't let me know what was going on rather than the fact we didn't hang out. Everything just spriraled after I didn't hear from him around dinner time and I let my emotions get the best of me. I just hope he can look past that email and my anger about the situation. I think I have been putting all of my eggs into one basket by mostly focusing on him and that can be a problem. Now that there is a 2nd guy and a possible 3rd (only emailing right now) hopefully I will chill out a bit and not get so uptight about this one guy :)

Thanks for the slap back to reality ;)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:13am

Hey, don't sweat it...and it wasn't meant to be a "slap", just a gentle nudge, LOL!

I don't know if this is true for you, but I get too emotionally involved when I'm sleeping with someone to be able to handle not being exclusive, so that's a large part of why I wait to get physically involved until we've been dating long enough to make exclusivity appropriate. So I think that may be part of what you're feeling...is that possible?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:13am

"My" cop guy was close to his family, which I thought was a plus. However, I also got the impression that he'd rather hang out with them than with me. He was sort of "on call" the night of New Year's eve, so I wasn't really upset that he didn't mention me coming up there, BUT it was that night that he didn't return my phone call and I felt like he should have called me that night, even if he ended up working. We have not talked in over a week and only had a brief e-mail exchange on Mon. & Tues. of this week. Since then, there has been nothing--no contact at all.

I continue to fight the urge to write him with something catty or cutting about his behavior. For a guy who "says" he's a Christian and wants someone who is also a Christian and goes to church, he sure ain't acting much like a good Christian guy. I want to tell him something like..."Good luck in finding your church-going, non-smoking, non-drinking, never married, childless woman who is about your age..I'm sure there are dozens of them on Match or Yahoo...-NOT".

OK, now I feel better. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:41am

Oh yes, the fact that we have had sex does play a big part into this and I know thats a big part of why I was feeling jeaouls and angry. Its also why I haven't really dated anyone else until this week. I kinda feel guilty about it, ya know?

I regret the fact that I rushed that portion of my releationship with him beacuse I was really wanting to be in commited relationship before I became sexual this time around. I have had a bad habit of rushing that portion in the past with others even though I have had a few long term relationships with most of them. I don't do this all of the time though and I usually can control myself if I make a point to.

In this particualr case the sexual chemistry that we have with eachother is really great. I am very attracted to him, and he's a pretty sexual individul (hence all his sexual comments all the time) so he had me thinking about sex a lot. I also wasn't seeing anyone else and it had been a long time since I'd slept with anyone so one night I lost all my inhibitions. I like him and was/am hoping for a commited relationship. Excuses, I know. And I only blame myself for letting it get to that point, because I sure didn't try and stop it.

One thing I will not do is be physical with two guys at once. I never have in the past and don't plan to start now. The risks are just too great. If it comes to that point with someone else I will stop seeing the others, and get tested for STD's before I get sexually involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:55am

Yeah.. I know how you feel. My ex did that kind of stuff to me all the time, more towards the end of our relationship though.

I read Dr. Phil's Love Smart and it talks about how guys think. In the book it says that men aren't good at multi-tasking and can only think about one thing at a time. Thats why when you talk to them when they are watching TV they don't remember a word you said! Ha ha. Though I do think some guys are worse than others with this. Since your cop says he is so busy he may not even realize he isn't paying enough attention to you since he has so much other stuff going on.

Whith my ex (we went out 2 years) it just got to the point towards the end that I felt like I was always on the back burner because he was so "busy" and I couldn't deal with it anyomore. Plus the fact that he didn't want kids and I did, but thats another story.

So I guess you have to decide if you are ok with a little less contact from this guy than you might be with another. But since it is early on in the realtionship, you'd think he'd be a little more egar to talk with you?! Hopefully he'll come around and call you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:51am

One month into dating this guy and you have this much drama.

Kick him to the curb. Who needs it.

He has a phone he could have called, the bottom line is he does not respect your time. Obviously you like him but he doesn't respect you. Throw this fish back and focus on new men.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:41am

Well said, Lovinhockey!!


Jfur5, You deserve better than that. I know it's hard to turn off the feelings you have for him, but appears the relationship is digressing if anything. A man

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 3:43pm
Sorry to hear about this guy that you have been trying to get to know better. I will tell this right now- he's an idiot and don't waist your time on him. Men are funny creatures. If they like a girl, nothing can keep them away. If they are not interested, there is nothing in the world that can make them stay. It sounds like he's not interested- why else the lame excuses and disrpect he's showing you. Most guys I know would rather gnaw off their arm, than spend supper with their parents when they could be out with a hot chick. I'm glad however, that you are not afraid to stand up to him. Don't take his crap- call him on it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:13pm

I read all the responses ... & I think i agree with the people who said "next him".


Certainly, your email while he was on Match will likely come off as stalkerish, or immature, or naggy. But you know what?

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