Got dumped by my fling!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Got dumped by my fling!
37
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 1:25pm

Yes...he decided he had too much to do in between now and when he moves in early January, plus he'll be gone for a week at Christmas, has his son on most weekends he'll be here, etc. etc.

He was nice enough about it...but it still stung, as I just didn't see it coming. I knew we wouldn't get to spend much time together once he gave notice and had a timetable for moving in place...but I sure didn't expect that I *wouldn't* see him again. I know he's having troubles with his ex-wife and visitation and I think I was just one too many obligations (even though I was careful not to put any pressure on him). I'm upset that he couldn't just allow it to end naturally when he moved, but I'll get over it. Mostly I'm just kind of humiliated ;-)...dumped by a fling, how pathetic is THAT ;-)????

I'm sure this news will fill some posters with glee (or at least one) but hopefully the rest of you will say (as I am), well, I took a chance, we had some fun, it didn't work out the way I expected. However I have concluded that I won't be doing that again any time soon...I am just not the fling type. Yes, it was nice to have sex a couple times, but overall I wouldn't say it was worth the trade off and the huge amount of energy it took to keep my feelings in check. I knew that about myself but I thought since it had been a few years since I'd tried, maybe I'd changed enough to be ok with it. But that's not the case, so oh well.

Anyway, since most people urged me to go for it, there won't be much "I told you so", right ;-)? I'm mostly joking in light of the other post...constructive feedback is welcome, as always!

Sheri

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Registered: 06-01-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 9:33am

Sheri-Life is worth living.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 10:17am

Well I didn't post anything, although I was surprised you were interested in having the fling. At this juncture, it's ALL or nothing for me.

The only thing with a fling, or seeking a true relationship, I still don't understand why people are not truly upfront! Yes, he stated he was moving out of town, but now he is just way too busy to continue with the fling, and you didn't even pressure him. That part sounds bogus. It seems as if he came across just seeking to have a good time. Moving or not, his tactics are the same of some of the men I had been previously meeting. Problems with the EX, moving or whatever, most of these guys have serious baggage that needs to be dealt with (and the bottom line is they are not dealing with it) and going with the flow and making deposits with these men (having sex), doesn't seem to be worth the trouble!

I just recently had a medical scare (and everything came back negative), end up being my job was too overwhelming that I was having anxiety attacks. Regardless, it's nice to have great dates and feel good and great sex, but it surely would be nice to meet someone who would be willing to hold you if you were not feeling well! I was chatting with someone and he called me the day I left the hospital and haven't heard from him since.

On another note, you were right! Remember the guy I met and invited to the Kanye West concert, and then I took my galfriend. He wrote me stating he still wanted to hang out and talk. Well he NEVER called! (smile)

My membership ended on the 5th of this month. I'll renew sometime again next year! I told my therapist that dating is becoming more of a chore than a good time! Totally unfulfilling lately!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 10:25am

On another note, does anyone wonder WHY guys with too much on their plate even try to date anyone, even for a short period of time? If someone is in the process of moving, changing jobs, or dealing with ex-wife issues that are wrecking havoc with their stability, why add to the mix by involving someone they know they aren't ready for?


I thought when they started seeing each other moving was a possibility but not a certainty, he hadn't started interviewing for jobs yet and maybe he didn't realize that moving away from his child would cause a problem for his ex (although it would be dumb to assume that, maybe it just didn't occur to him at that point since nothing was in motion yet).

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 10:29am
Sex. Every of my good male friends says that it drives them into finding someone, even if it's not for a long-term relationship.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:09pm

Thanks to everyone who posted...I appreciate it!

I'm feeling a bit better today...unfortunately this premature ending brought up a lot of unresolved feelings from the bad way my LDR ended (we'd started talking again after the hurricane but then he disappeared without a word over a month ago and even though it's been essentially over for months, having it end for good in such an unsatisfying, frustrating way took a bigger toll on me than I thought). So I think a lot of my feelings were due to the previous breakup not just this one (which was barely a breakup).

I did learn some good things from this (aside from reconfirming that flings can be fun, but aren't really my thing)...that there are interesting, fun guys out there who find me attractive and that there are guys out there who will treat me much better than my LD ex ever did (I'm remembering how great Fling Guy was, for example, on the day I found out I'm losing my job, whereas LD ex wouldn't break his silence even when I left a message with that news). And yes, I got to have sex a couple times, and with someone other than my LD ex (who was the only man I'd slept with for the past two years), so that's something ;-)!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:16pm

Sheri, I didn't know you were losing your job.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:31pm

Your update started me thinking Sheri...


If what you ultimately want is a relationship, why bother with a ghost? And I'm saying this to myself as much as to you... if the journey won't bring us closer to the goal, then why waste the time while in that time, we may be missing out on the real deal?


I guess this also worries me (here goes the unasked for advice that you said you appreciate... lol) that over the years, what I've come to know you as is a person that will not settle for less than what she wants. And in the past few months

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:41pm

Yes...I posted about it a few weeks back, in connection with one of my dates with Fling Guy. My law firm is closing its Seattle office (among others). No, I don't have anything else lined up yet...the office is looking to join another firm as a group, and I am considering my options, but haven't come to a final decision as yet. The closure will be at the end of February so I have some time, although not a ton.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:59pm

By ghost, do you mean the guy who asked me out for NYE? Eh, harmless ego boost and something fun to do. That doesn't mean I am starting to see him again...it's just one evening out. He would have to do a lot more than take me out on one nice date for me to start dating him again. But I will hear him out.

And if anything I've usually erred too much toward giving ghosts another chance...IF they apologize and have a good explanation and work hard in making it up to you (big ifs, of course).

Not sure which other ghost or ghosts you were referring to, since you use "ghosts" (plural) though?

But you raise a good point...I've really been questioning in the last year or so whether what I want (a serious LTR leading to marriage with someone honest, decent and kind who I love and am attracted to, and who loves me back) is ever going to happen, so I've been thinking that maybe I *do* need to settle and have therefore been experimenting a bit more (hence the fling). I don't *want* to settle...but I haven't resolved that question yet once and for all for myself...is it better to be alone and wait for something that may never happen, or fill your time with "filler"? I don't like the thought of the latter, but I have to be a realist. I'm 47...it just may not happen for me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 1:44pm

Sheri, I can so relate. I posted on the roll call thread about a possible FWB relationship and that I'm not sure I can actually handle that. But at 44, I too am wondering if maybe I should start being more realistic about what type of relationships I'm likely to get. I haven't given up on the marriage-to-a-decent-guy dream, but lately it's really starting to seem out of reach. Especially since (as I mentioned before) a lot of guys over 40 seem broken in some way, not to mention relationship-averse.

But I'm also wondering if I have totally unrealistic views of marriage itself, especially since I've never been married. I look around at some of the marriages in my family and among friends (not to mention the divorce rate) and all I see are people who seem to hate each other. I assume they were happy and in love at some point. What the hell happened?

I don't know, I just keep muddling along the best I can. Sometimes I feel like giving up and adopting 20 more cats (maybe after lunch :) but I'm not at that point yet, lol.