Gut feeling assessment needed!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Gut feeling assessment needed!!!!
16
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:23pm


Hi everybody!
I got contacted by a guy on Match, whose profile I liked overall. However, he had “not sure” in the kids rubric, and I definitely want kids. I sent him an email, in which expressed my interested, but told him I wasn’t sure because of the difference on the kids issue. (I did apologize that it might be too early to bring that up, yet, since it was important to me, I had to bring it up, I said). Here is his response:

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What do you all think? I didn’t like the response, because: 1/ he made me feel as if I had asked him to father my children, for God sake! And I just made an observation on the difference and aksed him to share his thoughts on it. To turn this into “Oh, it’s too early to talk kids, baby!” is unfair, and rude, I think. And 2/ his insistance on “staying present”. This last thing wouldn’t have been a problem, if he didn’t insist on it in his profile too. Here is what he said:

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So, since my experience is that people, who insist on “living in the present” often do not understand responsibility and long-term commitment, I am really concerned. Bottom line is: based on his response, I don’t trust this man, my gut feeling is that he is avoiding the issue, and I resent him for it.

Because I am one of these people who have absolutely astute intuition about things and then I choose to ignore it (to give people benefit of the doubt, to not jump to conclusions, etc). Guess what: all these times I chose to ignore my gut feeling, I got burned. So, what do you think of this one? I want to run, yet, I don’t want to miss on something potentially good. Thoughts, anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:48pm
If you are so in tune with yourself, why are you questioning your assessment? The fact that you've overanalyzed his every word would be a big indication that you shouldn't even meet him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 9:00pm
I have to agree. Just forget this one. You already don't feel good about it.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:57pm

I wouldn't be too concerned about his "not sure" status on kids just yet. If he had checked "probably not" or "don't want to", then you should keep on moving, since children are clearly something you know you'd like to have someday.

Ahh, but let us keep in mind there are many "not sures" and "somedays" who are actually closet "probably nots", but who check the "definitely" and "someday" box to better their chances of finding a mate. Since 80% of women want children, it does make sense, albeit, a rather strange thing to do, IMO.

You really won't know for sure where he stands until you get to know him better. I think his response to your question was pretty much on target- despite his not wording it quite as you would have preferred to hear.

With regards to the profile essay, I wouldn't be too overly concerned with that either. Though he does "sound" a bit nonchalant, he may be quite different in person. Some people just lack the ability to express themselves well in text. If you want to know for sure...talk to him on the phone a few times and decide how you feel then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:22am

I think you are way overanalyzing his profile. I don't think he was rude in how he answered your question but if your gut is saying don't go out with him, then don't.

I think most men think about kids when the right woman comes along and I happen to agree with him about people focus too much on trying to find someone and they forget about just enjoying their life.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:08am

Without reading the others & skewing my judgement LOL... here's what I see. Your MIND is overanalyzing but in your 'gut' you want to give him a chance.


He said right there, "I really like kids and under the right circumstance would welcome them." He just thinks it's too early to discuss that subject

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:35am

If you have a gut feeling, then go with it. It sounds as if you might be on different pages. If you are going into it with reservations already, chances are you will never really get to a point where you can trust him.

That said, yes, it was too early to bring up the kids issue, IMO! :-) And also IMO, he was not rude but probably taken aback a bit. Yes, it is an important thing to you, but he has an excellent point in that before tackling that huge issue of the "not sure" in the kids section for him, why not meet and see how well you get along. That is similar to the issue of talking about marriage or something on the first date (or prior to meeting). I think his comment about "staying present" is basically saying, "let's not get the cart before the horse yet! Let's meet and see how we get along before talking marriage and kids!" To me, it sounds good-natured and trying to keep it light.

As for his other thing, I think his attitude on life sounds pretty healthy. I wouldn't say that people who live in the present have a fear of commitment. If that's your experience, you have to go with it but for me, it has not been. Usually, these kind of people are more "I am happy with my life the way it is and if the right person comes along to share it... fantastic. If not, I'm good being me."

So while planning for the future is important, to me, there is a point where it's almost too much (i.e., asking about kids before you've met someone! :-)) Anyway, if you're on the fence about this guy, I'd say to say next and move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:01am

Hey There,

Though I'm in agreement with the camp that says you were way to analytical about his profile and pre-mature in bringing up the children issue now, I think that your gut instinct should be followed. You said that it's usually been right and if you trust yourself as I think you do, then follow it and move on. Something wasn't right for you and perhaps the negative reaction to his words and responses came from your initial feelings. Probably best to take a pass on this one. JMHO.

Michele

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:23am

You're overthinking this!! It's just a profile. If you stopped and overanalyzed every single one jeez what else would you have time for? I say if you have that strong intuition that you utilize it when reading a profile and accept and response or deny and move on.

This guy is just being open and honest. His response to you was warranted because you responded to a man who is not compatible with you in the children category and question him about it. Do you think he may have felt a bit uncomfortable with that?

Relax and enjoy the process. This not living in the present it's just enjoying the process. If you over-scutinize every single one then it won't be fun anymore. Chat and get to know someone before cross examining them on why they don't want to have kids or any differences in their profile.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:36pm

I understand what you're saying, if said with the right person and the right time I'd love to have kids.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:45pm

I too felt his response was a bit condescending and totally agree with your gut feeling assessment on this guy! Next him!! I don't see the need in spending time getting to know him and then asking him about the "unsure" status of children. Living for the moment......puhleeze!! He loves children but could not click "Yes".

My situation was opposite where I was contacted by a gentlemen who wanted children. I specifically do not want children. I read his profile and responded back (which I probably didn't have too but he kept writing) and stated thanks for the contact but I'm not interested in having any children. I didn't word it that way, but something to the fact that NOT wanting children was something I was sure about and didn't feel the need to correspond w/someone who did. He too thought we could have still corresponded and met (he didn't want kids right now). He even said "hey, maybe I'll change my mind in the future?" WTF?? Anyway, I was like "what's the point?"

I'm surprised by most of the responses by other posters but it's okay to disagree. Maybe it depends on focus. If it's all about living in the moment and meeting men, then why even read profiles??

I use to think like you did at one time and give them a chance. Became a total waste of time. I've done OLD for quite a long time; so even in the wording, etc., I can usually tell when a guy is about BS! Sorry, I don't make time for that!!

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