Gut feeling assessment needed!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Gut feeling assessment needed!!!!
16
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:23pm


Hi everybody!
I got contacted by a guy on Match, whose profile I liked overall. However, he had “not sure” in the kids rubric, and I definitely want kids. I sent him an email, in which expressed my interested, but told him I wasn’t sure because of the difference on the kids issue. (I did apologize that it might be too early to bring that up, yet, since it was important to me, I had to bring it up, I said). Here is his response:

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What do you all think? I didn’t like the response, because: 1/ he made me feel as if I had asked him to father my children, for God sake! And I just made an observation on the difference and aksed him to share his thoughts on it. To turn this into “Oh, it’s too early to talk kids, baby!” is unfair, and rude, I think. And 2/ his insistance on “staying present”. This last thing wouldn’t have been a problem, if he didn’t insist on it in his profile too. Here is what he said:

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So, since my experience is that people, who insist on “living in the present” often do not understand responsibility and long-term commitment, I am really concerned. Bottom line is: based on his response, I don’t trust this man, my gut feeling is that he is avoiding the issue, and I resent him for it.

Because I am one of these people who have absolutely astute intuition about things and then I choose to ignore it (to give people benefit of the doubt, to not jump to conclusions, etc). Guess what: all these times I chose to ignore my gut feeling, I got burned. So, what do you think of this one? I want to run, yet, I don’t want to miss on something potentially good. Thoughts, anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 2:22pm

Hey phoenixmama!

Thanks for your insight: you are dead on here! I think my overactive brain is telling me to next him but deep down there I want to give him a chance! And may be I will (of course, he seems to be on the fence too, and understandably so; we'll see)

As for your analogy between bringing up sex and bringing up children, I tend to disagree. I can see how guys might be different, but my understanding of this is that as long as Match has a box you check on the kids question -- and doesn't have one on what parts you like nibbled during lovemaking ;) -- I think that my question couldn't have necessarily been such a big faux pas. Or may be it is, but honestly I don't care: call me jaded, but I am tired of dancing around important questions, and of the double standard, really. Think of it: guys are adviced (in whatever dating advice you can think of, Match included) to show their love for children, and thus win women over,while at the same time women are adviced against even mentioning kids -- be those the neighbors spoilt brats who make too much noise! ;) -- lest they scare guys away. Well, I think I am past that: let the brave ones win! :)) the easily intimidated can be also nexted (or ghost of their own accord)

Thanks for your advice, though! Really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 2:35pm

Hi, tstephnic!

Thanks for your response: you actually bring up an important question (hmm, may be I should start a separate thread) about reading and interpreting profiles and just going with the flow. I have no answer to this: I am still debating whether I should continue with this or not (although just a minute ago I posted saying that may be I will continue comunication with this man).

When you look at it, here on the boards and talking to friends we learn that we have to be able to weed out the bad seeds, but then we catch ourselves (in my case)possbily throwing the baby out with the dirty water... well, I don't know what to think (and how not to verthink) any more. Of course, I want to be open to the possibility, but not so open that my brains fall out (which has happened before). :))

Well, thank you all: I think I am learning important things about myself, and my reactions to things, which is the best part of this board anyhow.

Thanks, again, for the time, effort and insightful comments, all of you!

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 5:36pm

Just to clarify..... I don't think it was wrong of you at all, to ask him to clarify his checkbox answer. Nor was it wrong of him to express the desire to wait until later, to discuss that subject in any further detail. To each their own. We don't all start out on the same page, or the same idea of what's appropriate to discuss when - that's what communication is all about: finding out where you both stand, meeting on common ground.

I find if I'm on the fence about someone, one or two more emails usually pushes me one way or the other. These days I'm leaning more toward giving someone an extra shot or two if I'm not sure.... otherwise I'd be nexting just about everyone LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 8:17am

IF you are already having an odd feeling about the whole thing AND he's making you feel unvalidated, is a HUGE Red flag.
LISTEN to your instinct, and get rid of him. I got the same feeling about him when reading your post, and thought what an 'assh*le...' guys like this that are "living in the present" are only out for themselves, and that to me says that he's not looking for a commitment. NO strings, he has an easy out, ya know? Saying that he is living in the present says to me that if he decides tomorrow that he's gone, nothing promised to the woman.. HE's living in the present.

I hope that makes sense..

Forget him Feisty... you deserve better...

Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 12:35pm

I don't think there was anything wrong with you asking for clarification on the kids issue, or with his response. I don't think he avoided the issue, he was honest - he is not sure. It is up to you of course to decide if you are okay with that since you know that you definitely want kids and dating someone who isn't sure introduces an element of uncertainty.

As for living in the present, I actually think it is a very healthy outlook he has. Sort of a 'take time to smell the roses' attitude. It is so easy to get caught up in planning for the future that you forget to enjoy the present, I know I've been guilty of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 1:45pm
"all the times i chose to ignore my gut feeling, i got burned" listen to your heart honey! that's been my experience too and somewhat of a motto. your gut feeling IS ALWAYS RIGHT. block that guy and be done wiht it...his answer was disrespectful anyway and if he is that inept to really think u were asking him to have ur kids then why would u want him anyway.
but yes, gut instincts are always right on

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