guy who doesn't play games?
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| Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:50am |
Hi ladies,
I have three questions... First of all I don't know why I keep making the same mistake of being intimate with a man before having the exclusivity talk (ok this is the 2nd time). I've been dating my guy for about a month now (yes this is the guy that I won't be able to marry due to the citizenship requirement but I decide to just enjoy the moment now and see what happens), and we became intimate on the 4th date. I did ask him if he was seeing anyone else. He said he's had a date or two here and there, but not like us. Things were wonderful, and we seem to be very much into each other. Now my question is, how do I approach the exclusivity talk, considering our sticky situation? I hate it that I always put myself in this situation and not have the discussion before. To bring it up now, and perhaps say something like "if we are not exclusive then I don't feel comfortable having sex with you anymore" seems a little cunny and manipulative. I don't want to seem like I am using sex as the bargaining chip. Any ideas?
My next question is on our differences in dating attitudes. He seems like a very sincere and straight-forward guy. He said he doesn't like the so-called dating rules. He said girls who expect guys to call them all the time should live in another time. He once didn't call a girl for 2 weeks because of his crazy schedule, and when he finally called, the girl was ice-cold and asked him why he still bothered to call. To his defense, he said he was too busy and didn't think about calling. Well, I think part of the reason was probably that he was not that into her in the first place otherwise he'd probably not forget about her, but he is this kind of guy... very independent and self-contained. Unfortunately I am the kind of girl that he was talking about (he did say that, however, now that he knows this kind of thing would upset me, i.e. no phone calls for 2 weeks, he will try not to do that to me...). I don't like making initiatives because I think guys should do it. Has anyone dealt with a man like this? So far we talk on the phone about 3 times a week and last weekend was the first weekend we spent together. He hasn't called yet since I last saw him Sunday morning, but he sent me an sms late Sunday night saying that he missed me. Should I adjust my "rules" and call him whenever I feel like talking to him?
My final question is about Valentine's day. Should I expect him to bring it up first? Well, I teach on that night until 10pm (my poor students!) and he knows it... However I'd still like to spend the rest of the night with him. Should I ask him or should I wait? And what if he doesn't bring it up? I've never felt this way but this is such a frustrating time of the year!
Sorry the post is a bit long. Thank you for your advices in advance!
J.

Be wary of any man who wants to change or alter basic dating etiquette. I don't think there is a woman out there that would put up with a man ghosting for two weeks and then calls her like nothing happened. It takes two minutes to make a phone call. He is telling you that he is going to do what he wants when he wants.
The time to discuss exclusivity is before you have sex. However, since you have already progressed beyond that point you might just want to tell him that you are uncomfortable having sex with a man who is dating other women and see what he says. I think you ought to call this guy whenever you feel like talking to him, there is no rules that says the man must do all the calling.
Regarding Valentine's day, tell him exactly what you want and see about his schedule. The guy probably doesn't have ESP.
Good luck.
First of all, you need to decide what you are willing to accept from him so you know your bottom line before you talk to him. Are you ok with sexual monogamy but not being exclusive, for example (i.e., you're free to go out on dates with other people but not sleep with anyone else)? Decide that first, and then say something like, "I know I should have talked to you about this before we slept together but I got caught up in the moment and didn't. However, I'm really not very comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone who is other people. I know you said a few weeks ago that you were dating others, is that still the case?" and then see what he says and go from there.
Re the phone calls, no, I wouldn't adjust your behavior just because he's a passive guy who wants women to do all the work (and IMO, he's *totally* playing games with that kind of attitude and putting the burden on you!). If he's really into you, he'll call.
I wouldn't bring up V-Day. If he does, great, but it's too soon to put that kind of pressure on your budding r'ship, IMO.
Sheri
Thanks. I will talk to him - hopefully he returns my call soon though (I called and left a message last night). If it turns out that he thinks being exclusive is counter-productive in our case, then it's better that I withdraw now than later. I don't want to make the same communication mistake as with the last guy... if you remember, it was this doctor guy who behaved mysteriously but I didn't have the gut to talk to him about any doubts I had or even brought up exclusivity. I bottled it up until one day I accused him of being a liar (without any concrete evidence for that specific incident), and that was the end of it. :p I admire people who can communicate with their partners openly, without fear of rejection, consequences, etc. I guess I need to work on it still.
J
Edited 2/7/2006 3:08 pm ET by jjjj2004
I just want to caution you to NOT have this conversation on the phone (it's not clear from your post if that's your intent, or if you're just saying you're not sure if he will even call you back). It's crucial IMO that this kind of talk happen in person.
But yes, it is important to be able to communicate openly. For me, it's more tied to the person I'm talking to than to me, though. In other words, if my gut feeling is that the other person will be open and receptive to what I have to say, it's not as hard to talk to him. If OTOH, I have the feeling that he's going to be defensive or not receptive, or that he's going to say something I don't want to hear, it's harder to talk.
Sheri
J:
You are already having sex with this man and you have to question V-Day? You should feel sure right now about your grounds with this man. I have done this in the past had sex before the exclusivity talk and well later regretted ever sleeping with the guy because he was having sex with me and still dating other women and then stopped seeing me after he ghost for two weeks~he met the one he committed to in that time. I wouldn't talk to him anymore. He sounds way too damn lazy for my taste. He wants all the fringe benefits without any of the work~meaning making you feel reassured that you are his 'One & Only' and it sounds as though you are not~sorry to be so blunt. I know that may sting but we've GOT to learn from our mistakes. I've totally been where you are and it totally sucks but obviously I got over it~didn't take me long either. Who does he think he is? What woman wants to call a man, I may die an old maid but I LIKE being courted sorry, he doesn't have to do all the exclusive calling but he sure as *** better be doing equal to the amount!!! It just shows his interest. Also if he hasn't brought up V-Day by Wednesday February 7th do not bring it up. If you get nothing~an e-card doesn't count IMO~DUMP HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
We've got to have the talk with these guys.
We need to be called on and courted properly before we have sex with the guy.
Men need to hear our wants and needs FIRST before having sex with them. Tell them you are a handful and tell him what your expectations are first~not in and e-mail!!!! You can bring it up over the phone to feel him out but I like looking at the guy face to face so I can see his physical reaction. Look to see if he twitches, turns, shifts in his seat. Sure sign he is uncomfortable and probably giving you a load of *&^%!!!!!
Good Luck,
Tina
 
Hi,
I agree that this is the kind of talk that needs to be done in person. But in order to do that he has to return my phone call first so we can set up a meeting time. He hasn't called back yet (he sms'ed me Sunday night; I replied Monday morning; Monday night I called and left a voice message). Should I be concerned? It's been 24 hours. He normally returned my phone call pretty quickly. I hate this feeling... why is it that I always get so excited about meeting a seemingly good man in the beginning, only to get disappointed later? I start to wonder if it's me... did I have too much expectation on men? Like Tina said, I too want to be courted... I don't think it's too much to ask for. One question for you ladies: does this phenomenon only happen in online dating (that we need the "exclusive talk")? I missed being in school... things were a lot simpler back then - you met someone, you started hanging out together, you have feelings for that person, you have sex, and you automatically become a couple. No one questioned about exclusivity. I never had to face this kind of situation until I started the OLD thing, and it's just so frustrating! Well, I take blame for myself - I think sex too soon killed it too.
J.
Yes, I have dealt with a guy like this before. Usually as you get older though, you learn to spot em out quick and avoid them.
The answer is really simple, whatever your gut is telling you is almost always certain. Does it feel like you are doing the pursuing/waiting etc..? When you feel this way, it is because he probably doesn't have the same level of interest. If you want to keep seeing this guy, my advice would be to start dating others (meet some more online) and make sure you have atleast one of your weekend nights taken (with no explanation).
NEVER give more of yourself than what you are getting. A gentleman will take initiaive (even on holidays). Otherwise, you will set yourself up for disapointment.
NEVER have sex until you know a guy is totally committed- if you are really into him.
Just some updates: he called yesterday and we talked on the phone for 1.5 hours (nothing about the "serious talk"). He kind of invited me to go to a surprise party for his friend on Saturday. I said kind of because he said it just occurred to him that he can take me - he was going to go alone - and he wants to double-check with the host first to see if it's ok to bring a guest. I was a little disappointed that "it had just occurred to him" but what can I say? He's had a hectic week, just like me, so I guess I won't be seeing him until then. He still hasn't mentioned V-day though... :T
Edited 2/9/2006 8:29 pm ET by jjjj2004
Edited 2/9/2006 8:31 pm ET by jjjj2004
From past experience, I have learned to be skeptical when a man remains casual about plans. He might just be a casual guy but if this is his personality, he will always be that way (not making plans in advance, playing things by "ear," making you wonder.....
I went out with a guy like this for a year and a half and was constantly in little fights over it. I was never happy because I never knew where I stood. It also made me insecure becasue I always wondered what was so pressing to make him hold off plans till the last minute. This guy also "forgot" my birthday and Valentine's Day, inxecusable.
No guy is "too" busy when he is really interested.
If this is just developing and you still want to give it a chance, I would suggest to not accept last minute plans with him. Yes, it's game playing but you need to stand your ground (in a nice way) to let him know you don't wait around or put up with BS.
If he doesn't ask you out (or make solid plans) by the end of Wednesday, just politely tell him you already made of other plans. Keep doing ths until he corrects himself and starts asking you out in advance. You can't let him have the upper hand.