A Guy's Need To Pursue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
A Guy's Need To Pursue
25
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 2:49pm
When first dating, does a guy need to be the one that pursues? I know that if he calls, asks you out, etc. it usually means that he is interested. Is it best to let him take the initiative early on? Or is it okay for the woman to call and set up a date?

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Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 2:51pm
In my experience, if you have to do the initial pursuit, he's not interested. Maybe after a few dates you can start to take some initiative, but I think a guy needs to get the ball rolling usually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 3:02pm

He has been the one to make the phone calls and ask me out on the first date. Should I just sit back and allow him to pursue for a little while longer?

In a recent email to me, he said that we should go out again. I have spoken to him on the phone since, and there wasn't any mention of making any specific plans. I don't believe that he is currently dating anyone, but who knows? I just wish he'd take a little more initiative. Thanks for your reply.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 3:03pm

I prefer to let the guy take the initiative early on so I can gauge how interested he is. If I'm calling him, he may well say yes to be polite or whatever...but I won't know if he's really interested if I do that.

I've also found that there's really no *need* for me to call a guy who's really interested, because he's calling me!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 3:10pm
He has been calling me--twice this week, in fact. When I spoke to him last, he said that he would call me in a few days, and that I could call him too. Is he getting lazy with the phone calling? :) I've thought of calling him today, but maybe I will wait to hear from him. Am I playing games by doing so?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 3:17pm

I read your additional post right after I posted my response...I should have said, you'll know he's interested because he'll be calling and *asking you out*, LOL!

I'm assuming you said something like, "yes I'd like that" when he said he'd like to go out again?

What I've done in this situation is, when he calls again, see if he asks you out and if not, as the conversation is winding up, say something like, "well, I'd love to get together again. Why don't you give me a call when you'd like to plan another date?"

I don't know what's up with these guys who call but don't ask you out again...it's really for the birds ;-)!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 5:57pm

Yes, it is great to talk on the phone and all, but shouldn't the purpose of the call be to make plans to see each other again? If they are really interested that would seem to be the most logical thing.

Is it true that guys live very much in the moment? They(or at least this guy that I am speaking of) don't seem to like to plan anything in advance. Why do they wait to call until the same day that they wish to go out?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 12:21am

I honestly think a lot of men are lazy when it comes to dating &/or they are not serious about finding that special someone. I tend to wonder the same thing about the phone calls. I think the calls are fine, and I don't mind calling a guy occasionally, but I don't want to be the one to have to mention seeing each other again (although I have said it a few times).

I also think I tend to find guys who are so caught up with other things in their life like their kids &/or their job or other obligations. I sometimes wonder why these men put profiles online if they don't have the time or gumption to actually follow through with the dating process..I mean, why bother? That is something I'm still trying to figure out. Some are players, but I can't say that label fits all the ones I've encountered. Some just seem very overwhelmed with life, and like I've been told before, men can only think about one thing at a time where women can think about a number of things simultaneously. I think that is totally true and dating seems to be at the bottom of the list of their priorities in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 10:22am
Hi Freesia,
I always try to make it clear what I want, but then back off and see how he responds. At 45, I have discovered that no one can read my mind, and I will never have what I want if I don't ask. So, I ask(nicely, of course) and then give him a chance to call, email, or whatever. If he has an issue with it, he is obviously not a good match for me.
Have fun, whatever you decide.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 1:23pm
Don't turn into phone buddy. Like the other poster said, tell him to call you when he wants to make plans to go out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 6:51pm
I don't think he's looking for a phone buddy. What irks me the most is that he called during the week just to see how my week was going; which was nice, but didn't mention anything about the upcoming weekend. He then calls during the day on Saturday when I was out and leaves me a voicemail. I am guessing that he wanted to see what I was up to that day and whether or not I wanted to go out. Why couldn't he have asked when he called earlier in the week? Talk about last minute. Am I wrong in thinking that if a guy values their and my time enough, they will make plans in advance? Or is this the "more casual" way to date?

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