A Guy's Need To Pursue
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A Guy's Need To Pursue
| Sat, 11-19-2005 - 2:49pm |
When first dating, does a guy need to be the one that pursues? I know that if he calls, asks you out, etc. it usually means that he is interested. Is it best to let him take the initiative early on? Or is it okay for the woman to call and set up a date?

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Some people just aren't advance planners. I personally am not comfortable dating someone who's like that (it just doesn't work for my schedule and lifestyle) but different strokes for different folks, ya know ;-)?
Sheri
My experience is also that if you have to do the asking, it's not going to work. I don't want to go out with a guy who is too shy to ask me himself; That said, with our busy and complicated lives, it can be frustrating to be asked out at the last minute when you didn't have plans before but you do now ...
However, in the spirit of not expecting somebody to read my mind, when I have to decline a last minute invite, I usually also say something like, 'The way my life is these days, I need to make plans at least three days in advance to arrange for child care, etc.'
It does sound like this guy has called you a lot, maybe he's just not sure of your interest level? If he said you can call him too, maybe do that to let him know you're thinking of him.
You say:
"I don't think he's looking for a phone buddy. What irks me the most is that he called during the week just to see how my week was going; which was nice, but didn't mention anything about the upcoming weekend. He then calls during the day on Saturday when I was out and leaves me a voicemail."
Um, Saturday is already happening on Saturday. He's doing everything in his power not to commit to seeing you but keeping you on the line. You are going to end up spending a lot of time on the phone with this man.
I also find anyone suspect to calls "to find out how my week is going". What you are doing with your time is your business. Does he tell you what he did during the week? You barely know this guy.
He was calling just to check-in; to use his words. We had gone out a few days earlier so I suppose this was his follow-up call. I don't feel that he is being nosy by asking how my week is going. He wanted to know how work was, etc. We've know each other for about a month and a half now so we know a fair amount about each other's lives.
I agree with the other poster that maybe he isn't sure of my interest level. I do sometimes get the feeling that he is trying to figure out if I am seeing or talking to anyone else that I have met online. Of course, he isn't going to come right out and ask so by asking how things are going, he might be thinking that I will inadverently mention something about going out with someone else.
Anyway, I guess my original post has changed from the original question as the days have progressed. Maybe he isn't one of those plan ahead people. Isn't it just commom courtesy to plan a day or two in advance?
I think it's common courtesy yes. Maybe he's taking you casually or this is how he is? However some will argue it's a personality trait. I'm with NWW it wouldn't work with my personality. I'm all for last minute fly by the seat kind of last minute planning once in a while but as a rule i prefer a plan due to my busy schedule. I not only work full time but I have my work outs, dinners or hikes with friends and my other errands that have to be done. Plus I like having a plan; nothing like knowing you have a Saturday night date with someone you're into; fun to think about it before it happens but I'm a day dreamer ;-) at times.
If it works for you then great - but keep in mind this is how this guy probably is so you may not be able to change him.
I want to plan ahead at least a day in advance. I work full-time and usually have plans for my weekends. Sure, sometimes the plans are to get things done around the house, but they are still plans, right?
He is also busy going to school full-time and working so I can't understand why he wouldn't want to plan in advance. Is it a man and woman difference or just the way *he* is?
On a separate topic, what can be said about someone that doesn't follow through with what they say, but have always followed through in the past? Is he losing interest or is he just not that into me?
This isn't a gender difference...I know plenty of guys who plan in advance, and plenty of women who don't.
As for the latter question...if he doesn't follow through one time, and apologizes and explains, then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. If it becomes a pattern, then he either was showing you the real him previously, or he's lost/losing interest.
Sheri
Tell ya what. I'm a guy. I wish women would be more forward. It's a lot of pressure having to be the
You wrote: "On a separate topic, what can be said about someone that doesn't follow through with what they say, but have always followed through in the past? Is he losing interest or is he just not that into me"?
He's probably not that into you and it shows lack of respect in my opinion.
I dated a guy briefly this summer; we went out about 5 times. He was consistently late (by an hour) and wouldn't follow through (calling when he said he would). I told him it was a pet peeve and showed lack of respect to give him the benefit and he blew it. I wrote him off. Then about a month ago he saw me on a date, wrote me an email the next day asking how I enjoyed "Cinch" (the restaurant) and that he was in a bad spot in his life, he missed me and for me to call him. For one, he didn't know if that was a date or a boyfriend, awfully presumptuous of him and secondly, does he think I'm that stupid, c'mon, LOL. I swear some guys just like the chase! This is why we date. There are a lot of straight forward, say what they mean kind of guys out there.....just be patient and don't settle.
Cheers,
SP
After not contacting me over the weekend (as I thought he was going to do), I send him an email a few days later. He responds the next morning. Apparently he is overwhelmed with school and work right now. He called 2 days later to see how I was doing and suggested that we go out again. I told him to give me a call when things settle down for him so the ball is back in his court. I guess only time will tell.
Why does dating have to be so complicated? Is it really or do we make it that way?
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