Guys opinions please-do I let it ride?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Guys opinions please-do I let it ride?
13
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 1:12pm

Question: After

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

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Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 1:49pm

Well HS, you already know me don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 4:16pm

So I would not even bother asking him about being on the same page for his actions are a better way of knowing that.


I guess the realist in me already knows this. So what do you suggest...that I just tell him I've decided to date other people and that's that? Just close the door without any explanation?


It seems a bit presumptious to say "I don't think you're at the same stage as me".


He is out of the country now, but we have plans this weekend when he returns.


And I'll be honest, he's a great guy and

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 4:40pm

I won't be presumptuous to tell you what to say to him (*grin*).

Avatar for floridagirl52
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 6:02pm

I'm not a guy, but...

Drop what you're doing right now and go to the bookstore to buy Judith Sills "A Fine Romance." This sounds to me like "the switch" that happens magically at the 90-day mark. I grabbed this definition off of another site:

"There is the initial pursuit and then the "switch," when there is a noticeable retreat. This is definitely part of a pattern. Her advice for women in this situation is to totally back off."

The book will explain it much better than this. The good news is that it doesn't have to mean anything is wrong. From what you describe, it doesn't sound to me like there's anything major wrong, just this switch thing. Of course, it could be true he hasn't gotten over his divorce and isn't ready to be in a relationship, but I wouldn't jump immediately to this conclusion.*

But I personally wouldn't suggest trying to pin him down at this moment. I would wait and see.

*as a general rule of thumb, though, I don't think MOST people are ready to be in a relationship soon after a divorce.

FloridaGirl, INFJ

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Registered: 11-07-2007
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 9:42pm
I got something a little different from this so here goes,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 11:38pm

Thanks for the tip on the book. I may get a copy.


And I appreciate your trying to infuse a dose of optimism into me. Because yes, it could simply be a stalled point in the normal courtship process.

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 11:58pm

I really appreciate your perspective.


Sadly, I

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 12:15am

while you give him praise, nowhere do you say if you have feelings for him.

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:06am

How did I change Myers-Briggs types? I read somewhere we do change as we age http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Temperament-Character-Intelligence/dp/1885705026/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277355746&sr=8-12

http://blog.beliefnet.com/crunchycon/2009/09/myers-briggs-and-changing-your.html

I too have done a ton of work during and after my divorce so I knew what were important values for me and who I am (however that is a never ending process).

My rule-of-thumb with people is to not to expect them to change so what I see is what I get. I may know MORE of them but this is who they are so if I don't like what I see/experience in key, important areas then I move on.

Plus to make more explicit what I shared before, when I was right out of my divorce, I was not ready for a long term, committed relationship even though I wanted to be in one. I would guess this guy is in the same boat. It's not that he is not the right guy but he may be the right guy at the wrong time.

Mark




Edited 6/24/2010 1:12 am ET by mhash
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Registered: 11-20-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:51am

Thanks for the link to the personality article. I'll be interested to read it.


My rule-of-thumb with people is to not to expect them to change so what I see is what I get.


Yep. I've learned and practice this too, hence where I am right now.


Plus to make more explicit what I shared before, when I was right out of my divorce, I was not ready for a long term, committed relationship even though I wanted to be in one. I would guess this guy is in the same boat.


Maybe, but I'm

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

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