Had a really bad night....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Had a really bad night....
12
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 4:58am

Just want to say thanks for all your replys. I read and re-read them.

Last night I think was my breaking point. From the time I left work, till late at night, I just cried and cried. I had my son worried, my family, that wasn't right. I feel bad this morning for making them think something was wrong with me.

I know I have to just let this go since I will never know the "why". Thats just the hard part. Never knowing...

I have to realize it wasnt something that I did, its just him. A "loser".

I have to focus on the bad now, how much of a loser he really is.

Any pointers??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 5:19am
I agree....the "never knowing the why" is the thing that sends me over the edge, too. I always feel the need to figure everything out. But, I promise with time it will seem a little less important. Hang in there. It's really good to cry a lot and get it out. That's part of the healing process. I recently read that it's totally normal to start feeling better after awhile and then backslide and start to cry again (after days, weeks or months). Don't hold it in....that intermittent crying is another part of the healing process. So every time you cry you can know you're one step closer to healing yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:26am

Just zipped through you first message and have to say I am sorry you are hurting. Maybe he is having second thoughts, thinking it is moving too fast? I hope you hear from him!

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 7:35am

Hi, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. But I don't understand all of the tears? It was only a month that you "wasted" on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 7:44am

No you are not being too harsh, I have been told that from my brother as well.

It's not the "ending" part that has gotten me, its the cowardness of him. You are right, I am in my 40's and have experienced life and have experienced the "ghosting" before. Before it was after a date or so, nothing more.

I believe that people should be honest and upfront if you care about them. Obviously he was just a pathethic liar and he is a great role model for his children, all 6 of them!

I guess I am just a different person that he is, or than most of them out there. I could never hurt someone's feelings like this.

You are right, I need to get tougher, thicker skin.

Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:06am

I have to agree with kae. I understand you're hurting, but you didn't know this guy that long and he is not worth all these tears of yours. You are wasting a lot of energy and emotion on a coward that couldn't even bother to call you to tell you he didn't want to see you anymore.

And I am also not trying to be too harsh, but I don't really beleive that it is the cowardice that gets you most. If it was, IMO you'd be more angry and have more of a "screw him if he can't be bothered to call me!" attitude that so extremely sad and hurt. I believe that you are truly hurt and bewildered by his actions that are such a 180 from his previous ones and the fact that he left. It's natural to feel that way and it's natural to be sad at endings like this.

So take the weekend and have a pity party. Eat ice cream and watch sappy Lifetime movies (maybe they'll be having a "Women Scorned" marathon this weekend!) and cry and mope. But promise yourself by Monday that you are going to pick yourself up and start to get over it. He's not worth your precious time or prolonged sadness!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:19am

Been keeping up with your discussions and I'm sure everyone on this board has been in your shoes, me included.

Pity parties are good. Grab your favorite comfy clothes and your favorite junk food, turn on the TV and go for it! Invite a good friend to join you if you want.

Try to focus on what you "didn't" like about the person. For instance, the guy I was stuck on was too short. That's not what I want...I want someone to TOWER over me. There were times also when he just downright rubbed me the wrong way! Anytime he contacts me (usually every 6 months) while he's talking I imagine maggots coming out of his mouth! LOL Maggots like BS and that's ALL that's coming out of his mouth!

Is there something you didn't like? A quirk of some sort? Did he suck his teeth or smack when he ate (that's two of my pet peeves)? Any kind of pet peeve that you can focus on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:36am
I've been in your shoes. Actually, I felt that way with Guy #2 (Dan the hunter/biker guy). He was the one who came on way too fast and I fell for him hook, line and sinker. When his personality changed (literally overnight), I wasn't prepared for the aftershocks to my emotional system. He actually did this to me twice, although the second time was via phone only. I, too, kept playing and re-playing what I could have said or done differently in order to keep him from bailing on me. Now that some time has passed, I realize what a poster boy for bad behavior he really was. It was bad behavior for him to be so forward physically as he was by the second date, it showed bad character to exhibit a hot/cold personality (one that I probably would have had to endure later if we had dated longer). Moodiness, especially early on in a relationship, is NOT a good thing. I wasn't joking when I said this guy changed every time there was a full moon. I keep that in mind when I occasionally feel bad that things didn't work out with him. I also rest assured knowing that his list of "criteria" for the perfect woman is a fantasy that he isn't likely to find anytime soon. His profile is once again "hidden" on yahoopersonals. He did that when he quit seeing me and was mulling over the idea of seeing me again--confusion. Well, maybe he's confused again or still confused. He'll be someone else's problem though, and I'm glad he's not mine. I truly did not think I'd get to that point of thinking, but it's quite liberating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:02am

>I have to realize it wasnt something that
>I did, its just him. A "loser".

That's true. You didn't do anything to make him a loser.

>I have to focus on the bad now, how much of a loser he really is.

I disagree. If he is a loser the "why" and "how much" is academic. Although it may be fun I think discussing it is counterproductive and a waste of time and energy. As K said, you need to focus on why you dated him, what you were attracted to, and most importantly, how to avoid dating a loser in future. You can't always blame OLD or men. Remember the saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:17am

I can understand the confusion and tears, and I'm much older than a lot of people on the board. If you have had few long-term, positive dating relationships, it is VERY hard to take things like this with a grain of salt. I agree it helps to have a thicker skin; something I'm also trying to develop as I'm meeting and going out with more guys now.

Also, it boils down to this....rejection is a VERY bitter pill to have to swallow, even if it was not a long-term dating relationship (if you had feelings for the other person). I know it must be difficult for men as well as women, but some of us take it OH..so personally. That is what I'm having to work on myself. I can see my progress as I thought I'd be upset much longer about Guy #2 than I was. But the first few weeks were terrible for me, so I can relate to the feelings of rejection, feeling inadequate in some way. It just takes time to get over, and some of us heal more quickly than others. Again, it depends on the guy, the situation, your other possible dating relationships (if any exist), many factors. It's easy to tell someone to just "get over it" but we all get over it at different speeds.

I know from experience that time, friends, and eventually meeting other guys helps take away the pain from past dating disasters. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix though. If I could develop a pill for the hurt heart, I would surely do that...and make a million. :0

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:49am

Hello Mitsy2,
Could it be that the situation was a stage in which both of them were playing out the dynamics of their personality?
She by falling so fast and hard and he by doing a hit and run.

As a very smart lady on ivillage once said;-

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their valies, priorities,and standards justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas and desires.
The same values in all situations determine the character, conscience, intergrity,and honour of the individual involved.
We all define our own values, priorities, and boundaries... and we all determine our own needs, goals, and wants.

Therefore situations are just the theatre stage on which our values are played out, by our actions, decisions, and words.
Analysing the situation with this guy till the cows come home will tell OP nothing about The Gentleman as an individual.
As kae suggested OP should try and use this incident, as an opportunity for introspection. It is not healthy to fall this hard and fast for a stranger. At the end of the day this man is a stranger. OP dosn't know him independent of what he told her about himself.(That is why she may be finding out that who he says he is may not be who he is in day to day life)

To caring one I would say Try and "Forget him work on you". otherwise you will be doomed to feeling this way over and over again with new people.

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