Handling the fling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Handling the fling
11
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 3:44pm
Prompted by Sheri's message, how do you handle a fling? I made the decision to have one - nice guy, great chemistry and exclusive. I thought about it for days before going through with it. However, what has surprised me is that suddenly I feel needy and am thinking about this way too much. I thought I was coming into this from a position of strength. Any words of wisdom?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 3:54pm

Every woman is different and it depends on where they’re at in their lives. I’ve thought about it, yes but where I’m at I’d be like you AKA wanting more. I’d rather hold out even if it means being home alone a lot w/out a warm body – I’m at a point in my life where if I can’t build on a relationship where it’s mutual to me in the end I might be left feeling very unfulfilled.

I was watching some repeats of Sex and the City – it’s freeing how they can go and do it whenever and with whomever – maybe in my 20’s or even a few years ago but now......not sure I could but for it but those that can I say go for it, if you can’t have the right one have some fun but for me it’s chemical perhaps or that’s how I feel this week, ha!

SP

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:25pm

The reason I decided I could handle my fling is because he's leaving, so it will necessariy be of short duration and I won't have to take action to end it...it will just end. If it were just that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship now, then I wouldn't have started it, because I know myself well enough to know that I get emotionally attached and would have trouble walking away.

Even so, I have found myself thinking about him a lot and starting to think "couples" type things about plans when he gets back. I have to firmly push those thoughts out of my head when they come up! So far, it's been working but the thoughts are definitely there.

Can you talk a little more about why your situation is a fling and what the circumstances are?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 5:58pm
I guess I think of it as a fling because I decided to become sexual early. We have only been on a couple of dates. We are completely exclusive - no dating anyone else, but our decision to sleep together, I believe, will derail the future of the relationship. I'm certainly not in love with him, nor he me, and I'm working on not manufacturing intimacy where there is none. I'm just conflicted about how emotional I felt after our first weekend together. Suddenly I'm needing validation where that need didn't exist before and I'm trying not to confuse that need for validation with any true emotion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:10pm

Hi Sheri,

You mentioned that you are starting to think about "couples" type things about plans with your fling guy. Out of curiosity, what kinds of dates or plans can't you make with your fling guy that you could make with him, if say, you were a couple? What do you have to hold back on? I hope I interpreted what you said correctly!

Meade

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:22pm

Yeah, I hear ya...you've hit on a big reason why casual sex/FWB/whatever you want to call it, don't usually work for me. I tend to get emotionally attached when I have sex with someone...that's just how I am, for better or worse (I wish I had the capability to remian detached but I don't). So I've avoided it for years...but I'm making an exception now because it's of short duration. Hopefully it will turn out ok.

Why do you think sleeping together will derail the future of the relationship? I don't think that really has any effect. The reason I prefer to wait, if I think there's LTR potential, is because I lose perspective and good judgment once sex is involved, so if I don't wait until I know the guy pretty well (a couple months), then by the time I find out what he's really like, I'm too involved to extricate myself.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:40pm

Things like assuming that we'll spend NYE together, just as an example. And if you're a established couple, you don't have to wait to be asked on dates...there's more of an assumption that you'll be spending the weekend together...stuff like that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:47pm

I don't think you can or should try to control your emotions during a fling. If it really is going to end, then you deal with that when the time comes. Sometimes a fling can help us to remember what it feels like to be really smitten with someone - a feeling that can be sorely lacking when we spend a lot of time dating men online! It can be an important jump-start to believing that you can have that kind of connection when you're starting to lose faith.

I'm not sure why we all worry so much about avoiding pain. Pain is inevitable in life. If you're making smart choices for you, enjoy what you have right now and try not to worry so much about where it is all going.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:59pm

That's a good point although personally, I know I try to minimize the pain because, heck, it hurts ;-). But no, you can't avoid it altogether if you're going to be involved with other human beings.

In this situation, I'm trying to chart a middle course between enjoying the feelings and not letting them consume me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 8:48pm
I have been seeing the "lawyer-man" for 5 months now. The way it worked out is what I know is a "sexual relationship" aka "fling". Going into it I wanted more and to some degree still do - so the terms are not exactly equal for the two of us. I struggle with this guy so much and here lately I am thinking to just faze it out because it is very draining on me emotionally. I never call him and I haven't heard from him in about 3 weeks. I am hoping that he disappears just because I am having a hard time to tell him off. But like a bad rash he keeps coming back :)
The bottom line is I am not able to separate emotion and physical part when I really like/care for someone. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:02pm

Sheri asked why I thought that early sex would derail this relationship. I agree with much of what's been said - sex changes me. It's hard to be physically intimate without assuming and making other intimate gestures,etc. that would be completely appropriate if the situation were more than a fling/fwb situation.

A couple of days have passed and I'm not quite so anxious about the situation. Whatever happens, happens. I do enjoy spending time with him and that is SUCH a rare treat than I'm going to enjoy it for all it's worth.

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