Has anyone else felt like this?
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| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 8:55pm |
I feel lonely after my latest, very promising, relationship nose dived, but I just can not bring myself to get back into the dating game right now. So I am taking a break. I have seen other posters who have written about taking breaks before and I have done it myself, but this time feels different. My level of frustration is at an all time high. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and going no where. I also keep thinking that maybe the guy I am ultimately looking for is not on a dating site. Of course I have no idea where he might be, but I'm just feeling like I am not going to find him on the internet. Most of my friends are married or coupled up so there is not a lot of going out with the girls to pick up guys, KWIM? I live in a college town so most of the entertainment is geared toward 18-25 year olds not those over 30! So, I am struggling. I've spent a lot of time figuring out what I want, but I'm beginning to think finding it may take a life time. sigh. Sorry just needed to vent a little, thanks!
YG

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I feel the exact same way... I just don't know if I can go on ONE more online date. I've talked about giving up before, but in my heart I don't think I ever really did. Now I'm trying something a little kooky. I'm reading this book, which I actually heard about on the Single Life board, called "Expect a Miracle." The idea is that you stop TRYING. Don't take any action, but just trust that the "universe" is sending the right person your way. I know it's a little out there, but I've tried just about everything else, so what the heck. It's a nice break from constantly thinking about it and checking my match account everyday.
I agree with Neppi - stop trying. Focus on yourself first and the rest will follow. I have been where you are at. Every failed relationship brought me further down, until I realized that the things I was missing in the relationships were things that I had in me all along. For example, I expected my most recent X to pick up the pieces of my messy divorce. And when he bolted I felt not only alone, but incapable of rebuilding my life. Then I realized that I had it in me all along to pick up the pieces. I also realized that I was relying on men to validate me as a person. I'm not saying that is what you are doing, but I have discovered through my experience that the things we search for in other people are often better found in ourselves. Then when the right man comes along he'll be able to compliment you, and add to the wonderful person you already are.
Also, have you ever noticed that when you are looking for something, like your favorite scarf or a certain pair of shoes, you never seem to be able to find it; however, when you aren't looking for it, it always seems to be in your way? This is why online dating is sort of a conundrum for me, but I choose to view it as a way to have some fun and gain some dating experience, and if the "one" is intended to come to me in this way, then it'll just knock me off my feet when (if) it happens. Until then I'm just meeting new people.
It's always a mature healthy decision to take a step out of the dating scene when it stops working for you. If you are at a severse frustration level this will come across to any person you meet and will taint how they perceive you. With anything in this life when we are tired and frustration with something a break rejuvenates you and gives you the positive energy to move forward when you return to that activity.
I took a break from online dating back in 2002 after little success and have yet to return to it because I still have a less than stellar opinion of it. I see people all around me that have had success so I know it works. I know that when the time is right for me I will return because I believe it is a good source to meet new people.
I think you have made a good choice but know that things get better.
F
Thanks ladies! I guess I needed a little validation that everyone feels this way at times and taking a step back is not a crazy thing to do. I have actually not done OLD for quite a while, I was seeing someone and we were exclusive. When that relationship imploded, my first instinct was to jump back in the OLD saddle. However, I am just not into it right now and can not bring myself to do it. I think I am just exhausted from dating period, OLD or otherwise. Who knew someting that is supposed to be fun could be so taxing?
Thanks again,
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
Neppi, that is wonderful advice. I too was doing OLD and IRL dating and just got tired of meeting date after date. Finally I just wound up deciding that it wasn't for me and focused on being happy as a single. I became so focused that I actually thought to myself "You know, being single for the rest of my life is fine. I can build a wonderful life alone." And then what happened? A wonderful man walked into my life, who I'm still dating and things are progressing along very nicely. I truly believe that it would never had happened if I was still focused on dating. And it seems that all my relationships have happened that way... when I wasn't looking, someone came along.
So yes, focus on you, focus on your life, focus on falling in love with yourself. And see what comes of it. :o)
Suggestions on how to overcome this feeling of not wanting to be single.??
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Count your blessings.
When you're single, you get to come and go as you please; eat whatever you feel like for breakfast, lunch and dinner (even if it's just cold cereal); if you live alone, you can put something down and it will stay there until you move it; you can buy things without having to explain why you bought it, how much you spent, or why you bought it; you can watch and enjoy your favorite tv shows without being nagged about your preferences, etc.
While marriage has its benefits, it's so much better to be single and happy than to be married and miserable. No marriage is perfect and each one has its ups and downs. Whatever ups and downs we face when we're single are compounded when we're married. Remember, there are a lot of married folk who are miserable and would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to change places with you!
I was one. I finally divorced and have been counting my blessings ever since. Although it's been 2-1/2 years since my last r'ship ended, now being single doesn't feel like such a negative thing. I'm not sure if I'll ever marry again because I have such a good life now. Meeting a man who'd make me want to give up the life and the freedom I have and enjoy now, esp. for the UNKNOWN (which marriage primarily is), would take a heck of a lot.
And honestly, I don't know that there's a man anywhere who's worth it.
I really needed this thread today! THANK YOU! I am in the same boat as most of you. I'm 39 and have been using OLD on and off for a couple of years now. I have met some great men, who I had relationships with for a while, but then they failed... I would pick myself up, brush it all off, and try again. Lately though, I think I am so jaded that I tend to either pick the wrong men to meet and date OR I'm simply not giving it my best shot and I scare them away. I really feel that alot of people are looking for someone who has no issues and we all have issues. The last guy I met has ALOT of things going on in his life (e.g. married twice, second wife committed suicide 2 years ago, has two teenage children who have their share of problems he's dealing with, etc.). I think I was taking on someone who had too much baggage. I know we all have "some" baggage, but my life has been a vase of roses compared to his (thank God). I think it's probably best for me to also take a break. I just get to a point where I'm thinking there is really something wrong with me... and I know that can't be the case. I have just gotten myself back into taking Group Power classes (aerobic/weight classes) and that has made me feel SO much better. I also have to just let go -- and let love happen when it's the right time.
Thanks again for posting this!
C
Hi Blessed,
I don't want to hijack the thread, but I wanted to say that your words:
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really resonated with me. I've been separated for almost three years, divorced since earlier this year, and although I am lonely at times and wish I had more of a social life, I really enjoy being able to come and go as I please, and not having to pick up after anyone else (other than my son).
One of the problems with having been in a bad marriage or ltr is that we become scared of future involvement. In my case, I feel a lot of "been there, done that." The men who have approached me have all seemed a lot more interested in (eventually) nesting together than I am at this point. I don't know if it's because of my divorce being recent or because the men willing to date me are all looking toward retirement and wanting a woman to take care of them or what.
I fully understand how it feels to be single and wonder if one will ever find a match. I sometimes feel that way now that I am single again: am I going to be "alone" the rest of my life? Yet when I consider the alternative, I'm glad to be "alone."
Elsa
I have to admit that I really do love my single life. I too was married and not very happy and I will admit I absolutely agree that being single is much better than being in an unhappy marriage. I have been very blessed by having a great job and the ability to by a house and a nice car and travel anywhere at any time. But call me crazy, I would gladly give up a little of that freedom for a family. I'm 33 now and I want to get married and have children of my own. For me, all of the freedom to come and go as I please and watch whatever I want on TV etc. pales in comparison to getting married and pregnant and building a life with someone who can face (with me) all of those challenges that are compounded by marriage. I don't think the "right' relationship would interupt my life, I believe it would enhance it. However, I could just be a big ol' romantic!
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
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