Has This Happened to You?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Has This Happened to You?
8
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 10:50pm

Hi, I am new to this board and thought I would delerk.

I am new to the Online dating thing. I posted my profile on Match.com last November and within a week I had gotten a wink from a guy who was separated. I thought his profile was interesting and we shared alot of the same things in common, so I decided to wink back.

Anyways, we started talking online on a nightly basis and then on the phone for some nights hours on end. We met and went shopping a couple of weeks after that. The day we spent together was so much fun and we really connected right off the bat and shared some very nice kisses that first date. We then both took down our profiles a week or so later. We were both absolutely star-struck and we soon discovered it was hard to be apart and missed each other terribly since he lives about 50 miles away. A few weeks later things got pretty heated and we both got spooked before we got to the absolute point of having sex. I realize this was new territory for both us from having marriages of 16 and 14 years and this being our first relationships after the fact. We decided to slow things way down and not focus on being intimate until we were sure we were completely ready and for the right reasons. It has not progressed to having sex due me being very cautious and my concerns about birth control, which were just taken care of yesterday. After that night I could feel something was not right and he seemed to get a bit distant. He asked me to be patient with him and I told him I would and not be going anywhere, unless he wanted me to.

A few nights later he told me he was very confused and needed to sort some things out and I completely understood. We still continued to talk, but not on a nightly basis as we had before. I felt the last month like I have been grasping at straws trying to get him to choose me. Here he finally admitted last week when I talked to him he was really thinking hard about what to do. In the meantime, I had sent him a nice card and a letter explaining my feelings and how I felt about him and that I was concerned about him and really confused and wanted to know where things were heading with us.

Sunday afternoon, I am at my computer when I get an email from him telling me he had thought things thru and had been given some advice. He finally admitted he is not over his wife(they have been separated for 10 months and he was starting divorce proceedings)(she cheated on him and moved another man into their house) and thought he was ready to move on, but realizes he is not and does not know where his life is heading and needs to figure things out. He said it was nothing I had done and by not knowing any of this it was not fair to me. I thought that was very commendable. He was very apologetic with saying he didn't want to tell me via email, but didn't have the courage to tell me in person when I saw him almost 3 weeks ago when things got once again pretty heated or when we have talked on the phone for the fear of hurting or upsetting me. I was hurt, but I understand and appreciate he was honest enought to tell me. Its funny, but I had some type of intuition when I realized after reading his profile he was separated.

I guess I am really disappointed. I fell hard for him, but now I am wondering if it wasn't more of a rebound thing with me just recently separting, but being remaining in a loveless marriage for the last few years that we tried to stick it out for our kids. I am wondering now how could I have been so vulnerable, I care for him so much. He deserves so much better than what his wife did to him and I would do anything to make him happy.

Any advice, suggestions or prayers are greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:03pm

I m not sure if this will be perceived as yet another negative post on this board. But in life I learnt to move on when things are confusing... if things are meant to be you will be reunited with him and he will learn your value in his life if not you did not loose much.
I would personally not date someone recently separated. Been there done that and it hurts. I would meet other people and if he still wants to meet nad get to know you better sure why not but keep your options open and meet other guys in the same time.
I like the feeling of having many guys to chose from it makes me more confident/relaxed when I m with each of them

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:15pm

Hi and welcome and thanks for de-cloaking!


I tend to be of the mindset that if things are meant to be, they tend to flow. That being said...this man is telling you exactly where he's at. Listen to him. Get out on the online world and look for new guys. Don't put all your eggs in one basket and listen to your instincts, they tend to be right!


Hope to see you on the boards!


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 9:15am

To answer your question -- yes, this has happened to me. I think it's happened to many of us here and is why most of us have deep reservations about dating somebody who's not divorced yet.

EVERYBODY thinks they are ready to date while they're separated. I did. But until you actually go through the whole legal process, you are still married to the other person, with all the good and bad that goes along with that. You're still connected to them legally, financially, emotionally, even though you may feel like you're not.

I thought I was totally over my ex, who left me for somebody else. We were friendly and cordial and all was lovely. I dated a few guys, and one of them did the exact same thing to me -- strung me along for awhile and then had this crisis where he said he needed space, time, and had to figure things out.

I couldn't believe it -- until I went through it myself. The month we went to court -- two years after we had separated -- I came completely unhinged. Then, I understood.

This doesn't happen to everybody, but it happens to enough people that it's more the rule than the exception. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but it's the truth. Most people need that one door to finally and officially be closed before they can open a new one.

The best advice I got? Get a manicure and buy yourself a new pair of earrings, or something else that makes you feel pretty. And hang in there.

Sposa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 10:45am
Saw this coming at the word seperated in the first paragraph.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:01pm

Yes, this has happened to me before, and that's why now I will not date someone who is not already divorced. I dated a guy for about six months (who had been seperated from his wife for about a year and they lived in different states), but when it came time for them to proceed with the divorce, they decided to see if they could work things out. Ugh!! Never again will I do that!

I'm sorry you're hurting, but best to give him the time he needs to heal.

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:58pm

Just my personal experience here - every time I've sent a guy a card/note/e-mail explaining how I felt~~especially after they are already distancing~~has backfired. I won't do it again...no matter how "perfect" the message seems to me. The rejection is just not worth it to me.

Sorry this happened on your first time out the gate. I agree with Sposa ~ do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Give yourself a little extra love - you're worth it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 5:38pm

I think your best solution right now is to just back away and try to move on with your life. It's sad that this happened for you, but I think he THOUGHT he was ready to be in a relationship and found out that he wasn't. It was good of him to back off at this stage rather than trying to force it and keep up and wind up hurting you even more (that IS possible - suppose you had gotten intimate or even more committed). Right now, he might not see that he deserves better than his wife gave him but unfortunately, only he can realize that for himself, you can't make him realize it.

He could still call in the future. But for now, don't sit around and wait. You need to take some time for yourself to focus on you and then move on. Let him know you care and that he can contact you if/when he's ready, but that you need to move on. And then do it! You can't put your life on hold because he may never be ready.

Good luck!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 8:15am

I think many people aren't sure if they are ready to date after divorce/separation until they try it.

Photobucket