Having Children; How sure are you?

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Having Children; How sure are you?
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Mon, 01-10-2005 - 7:16pm

Having Children; How sure are you?

Here’s a good read on Jennifer and Brad and why one tabloid person believes they split. She paints a scary picture of having children. I know I want one or two someday soon and have seen my two sisters go through parenting but at times when I read stuff like this I think “Do I really want this, ha”? Once you have kids your life will be FOREVER changed for all of eternity. I do want it but boy....read below

Peanut

Why Jen knocked back the parenthood role
January 11, 2005
Rejecting Brad Pitt was a courageous triumph of self-preservation over procreation, writes Denise Cullen.
The reasons for the Brad-and-Jen break-up are no doubt inestimably more complicated than we will ever know, but one thing is certain. The former Jennifer Anistonapoulos has a lot of guts.
While she is being soundly condemned for her decision to end her 4½-year marriage to Hollywood heart-throb William Bradley Pitt after he just wouldn't stop banging on about having babies, I have to applaud the clarity of Aniston's vision; the cold steel of her resolve; the sheer heights of her selfishness.
Amid the deafening chorus which goes something along the lines of "so many women would give their right arm and leg to be breeding with Brad and all she's interested in is being a movie star", Aniston has shrugged and responded with something along the lines of: "Damn right."
And while I must admit the thought of baby-making with Brad does hold a certain appeal, I can't also help thinking: Good for you, Jen.
It takes enormous courage to say: "Well, this is what I want, I want to make movies, I've worked too hard to chuck it all in for nappies, nipple creams and round-the-clock nausea."
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Aniston isn't just rare, she should be declared an endangered species. It's so refreshingly uncommon to find a woman in her mid-30s whose sense of self-preservation isn't being overridden by the clanging of her biological clock.
About as unusual as it is to find a man, like Pitt, who's over 40 and actually wants kids. Pitt, it's reported, has been practically reduced to tears when asked about his desires to start a family. He talks of making miniature versions of his wife, of how little girls "crush him" and "break his heart".
But Aniston, who has experienced a particularly fraught relationship with her own mother, knows it's not all hearts and flowers; it's not all lovey-dovey; it's not all it's cracked up to be.
She has tasted - nay, even drowned in - the dark side of parenting, she knows that getting into it (or, in her case, staying out of it) is a decision best made not in the heat of the moment, between the sheets, but with a cool head and an even cooler heart.
I reckon Aniston perceives - quite rightly too - that if she were to bear Brad's babies, she would in all likelihood be left with the lion's share of parenting. Even if, in Hollywood, all that involves is co-ordinating the nannies' and housekeepers' rosters.
Having a child is a non-negotiable, life-altering act, and the buck always stops with the mother, no matter how much money or help or spousal support you have. Once the deed's done, you can't reverse it in the same way you can return a dog to the pound or take an electrical appliance back for a refund, though I have experienced many evil moments when I've wished we could keep our two cats but give the kids to the RSPCA.
Unlike her dunderhead soon-to-be-ex-husband, Aniston knows children aren't an accessory, or something to do in your spare time, or the human equivalent of a trail bike that's good for a bit of light entertainment and exercise on a Sunday afternoon.
In A Better Woman, author Susan Johnson writes: "A new baby takes the sleep from your eyes, the breath from your lungs; a new baby requires that you lay your body down as the bridge on which he will stand."
Less poetically, I have to confess that after awful 5am wake-up calls followed by endless demands for Fruit Loops and chocolate milk, and the subsequent messes and fights, I have locked both my boys in their rooms by 6.30am and retreated to the bathroom. There, I have stood under a hot shower and gasped for breath, sucking up great, sobbing lungfuls of oxygen and steam, trying to quell the sensation that my children are suffocating me.
Ironic when you think that before I had children I thought my life wouldn't really change much; I was determined they wouldn't stop me travelling or working or doing anything else I wanted - and then reality slapped me hard in the face like the proverbial wet fish.
There are people, including celebrities, who have a firmer grasp on the task ahead than I did, but even they are stunned by the reality they eventually confront.
A pregnant Gywneth Paltrow, for instance, proclaimed she was quitting movies because mothering was a full-time gig. She was sort of right. She soon learnt mothering was a hell of a lot more than a full-time job; I suspect she discovered how sleep deprivation could leave you feeling homicidal, suicidal and hopeless - at least until she hired a nanny and went back to work.
Aniston is more pragmatic than all of us. She realises there's more to parenthood than play dates and frilly dresses. Anyway, you can get that on the red carpet and without the pumpkin puree and sleepless nights. Well, at least without the pumpkin puree.
Denise Cullen is a writer who has two children.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 7:49pm

Part of me always wanted them.

Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 8:29pm

I use to think I wanted another child. And recently it has come up even more as I am approching another b-day. But the reality is, as difficult as the baby stage is, it is nothing compared to age 5 and up. Then they are able to talk back and the best part, roll their eyes at you while you are talking.

I love my daughter dearly, wouldn't trade her for the world. However, I have spent a week cleaning up after a dog (we have been inside way too much due to the rain) and my daughter came back from her dads house throwing up. I was fortunate enough to have our school closed for two days to take care of it.

I have been thanking my lucky stars that I am currently not married because I know he would be sick also at this point and I would just have one more thing to take care of. When the dog had an accident in the house I had my boyfriend yelling to me upstairs that he was going to be sick due to the smell. (Well, I figured most people would just take care of it).

So, do I want more kids, probably not. Still debating on the whole marriage thing. Yes, it would be great to share my life with someone else, but I also feel that it can be done without marriage. Just wondering if anyone else has these types of debates with themselves?

Avatar for skydance2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:29am

We may never know all the reasons why they broke up, and I certainly wouldn't give much clout to an outsider looking in. But if there really is any merit to this article, then I'd have to say good for Jen for sticking to her guns, and doing what was best for her.

I'll be hitting my mid 30s soon and have no interest in raising a family. This isn't to say I won't change my mind at some point in the future, but it's nice to not feel the biological pressure so many women my age do. Going berserk trying to find someone to settle down with, and getting the ground ready for plantin'.

In my profile, I list myself as "not sure" and seek others who are either "not sure or probably nots". Funny thing is, a lot of men who list themselves as "somedays" are often times "not sures" themselves. I'm finding there are a lot of men out there who are flexible on the issue of having children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 5:19am
My amateur observation of women is they go baby crazy when their friends are going baby crazy. If the friends aren't having babies then the craze is (somewhat) lifted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:18am

Wow, some article. I feel, however, that it really didn't present the upside of having children and believe me there are plenty. I'd like to preface all that follows with the thought that having children is definitely a personal decision. As with most things in life, what's right for one is not right for another.

Having children is tough. Yeah, they puke, wine and carry on in general, but these instances a few and far between. Those times of sleepless nights and 5am wake up calls flee way too quickly. Those events are balanced by so many positive and fun, yes...fun, times.

It does change your life, but it also gives you a whole different perspective on it as well. I saw things with "new eyes". When my girls were little it was so amazing to see that first snow of the season or the first flower of spring thtough their eyes. To experience their wonder. To enjoy soemthing with total child like abandon...swinging on a swing, a carousel ride. A forgotten freedom brought to light.

To experinece their sense of accomplishment, self satisfaction when they ride a bicycle for the first time...when they drive a car for the first time. Their first crush, date, prom.

The cool part is that I got to be there for all of it.

Children keep you centered, focused on what's really important. I don't know what I would have done without my girls when my husband passed away. I hate to think what horrible universe I would've jettisoned into if I didn't have them to keep me tethered right here to good old terra firma. Knowing they needed me, in every sense of that phrase, kept me from wallowing in too mcuh self pity and despair.

My daughters are teenagers now and they've become my best friends. When this whole dating thing gets me down, they'll say, "Come on Mom. You need some icecream." OK, I drive and pay, but they get me out of my funk.

We've learned that being there for each other when times are hard is what's important. The disagreements over clothes, hair, etc., no longer matter.

As with any relationship there are going to be trade offs. That's a fact fo life.

I feel I've been give n a wonderful opportunity, and responsibility, to nuture and watch as two little, smelly, sometimes yucky, sometimes winey, but incredibly cute tadpoles grew into beautiful, accomplished, intelligent young women. I have no regrets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 9:06am

While I don't really give a rat's butt what happens between Jen & Brad, I do have to say this writer's take on why some women choose not to have children is dead on....they've pragmatically tried to preview the realities of having kids as opposed to the romanticized version of it that so many people seem to have. I know I certainly fall into that category. I don't have the security that I'd be a good parent, thus I don't believe I should be having children; I don't know that I want to give up my free time and ability to come and go as I please, thus I don't believe I want to have children; I don't feel any ticking of my biological clock, because I determined a long time ago that if I ever do change my mind and decide the previous two factors no longer apply-I will adopt a child because there are so many children out there who want and need homes already, why bring one more into the world and leave another left out in the cold?

As I keep telling my sister, who's children pop out children like they're damn rabbits---you oppose the termination of a pregnancy, but you have no issues with people having children and slowly but surely killing them off emotionally and mentally over the course of their formative years~yep, that's a thought process based in reality.....

I find it strange that one has to have a license to own a gun or a dog, but any person in the world is allowed to pop out a kid, whether capable of raising that child or not....perplexing.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 9:09am

I've never wanted kids and it's a good thing since I'm 43 now! I'm amazed how many guys who "definitely" want kids, contact me on match. I feel like saying, dude, do the math.

One part of that article I definitely agree with is how few men over 40 want kids. Either they already have them from a prior marriage or they just don't want their life disrupted at this point in that way. I can relate :)
I've also heard that men who don't want kids will put "not sure" to increase their responses from women who do want them. Seems kinda silly since the kids issue is a definitely dealbreaker for most people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 9:42am

I do want kids. I think I would be a pretty good dad. I'm realistic, though, about that ever happening now. The women my age tend to already have kids, and many do not want to have any more. It's not any type of dealbreaker for me, though, it just would be nice.

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:38am

I'm not sure at all. I'm 33 now and at this point, the thought of children gets further and further away.

Unfortunately, all, and I do mean ALL, of the women I know personally that have had children are miserable, angry, boring, obsessed with their children and ignore life outside of their children or a combination of all of the aforementioned. I'm not sure I want that. I'm quite happy being childless.

Oh occassionally I might see a cute little one and think "that might not be so bad." But then Saturday morning rolls around and the fact that I can sleep till whenever I want and get up when I want, do what I want, and go out with my friends or my boyfriend on Saturday night and have fun... well, it just confirms to me that children is probably not what I'm looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:25am

FT... I liked your post. I don't care about Brad and Jen either! You apparently have your feet planted firmly on the ground. Good for you!

I would like to address one point though...

>>...there are so many children out there who want and need homes already, why bring one more into the world and leave another left out in the cold?<<

Theoretically, I should not have been able to have children. After 5 years of infertility and the treatments for it, my husband and I decided to look into adoption. It's not as easy as you think. This is what we discovered.

Private adoptions are very expensive and can be heart breaking. You can search, almost as fruitlessly as you do on OLD, and you think you're set up with a birth mother. Well, then she bails at some point during the pregnancy or the father comes into the picture and creates a roadblock. Ther's a lot of leagl issues involved.

Adoption agnecies don't have many babies to offer as private adoptions are more lucrative for the expectant mother and/or she can "choose" the adoptive parents. Agencies are also very careful to place children with "ethnically" matched parents.

"Older" children present their own set of problems. Not somehting I would do without some previous experience with kids. You just can't wing it.

Then there's foreign adoption, and the expense (not as great as a private adoption), and the legal red tape on both sides of the globe.

This last option was what we were looking into when "mysteriously" I became pregnant with my first daughter. OK, it wasn't that big a mystery...I do remember my basic biology and the teddy I wore that night!

But anyway, adoption IS a wonderful idea, but easier said than done for the average person.




Edited 1/11/2005 11:27 am ET ET by luv2004

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