Having ? on my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Having ? on my relationship
8
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 5:29pm

Hi everyone,

I think I already know the answer to this one, but I thought I'd see what everyone thinks... this is about the exclusive relationship that I've had for almost four months with a guy I met doing OLD. Sorry this is a little long...

The honeymoon phase seems to be over and he is changing alot. I believe in the beginning of our relationship he was really trying hard to make me think he was a romantic type guy and was acting very into me (lots of attention, kissing, affection, talking, etc). My daughter's bf told me that a guy the first few months of dating sends his representative (the guy who he thinks you want to date), then when he feels secure that he has you, he gradually starts showing his true self, because he has you and thinks you'll accept him now. Well I believe that is what is happening here.

We have very different personalities, where I am outgoing and friendly, he is more of a loner and somewhat quiet. I knew he wasn't an overly talkative guy from the beginning, but we do have many areas of common interests that do make nice conversations, when he feels like talking. Yet I know genderwise, not many guys are overly talkative, except for some of the gay guys I've known who seem to be able to express themselves, and I'm not interested in a bi relationship. But we did talk much more early on.

He is totally devoted to his job and many times brings work home with him that he does on the computer (he is a software engineer). He sets an agenda in his head and can not stray from it at all, even for a quick 20 minutes of fun! So yes, it gets me to questioning myself if he is "that" into me or not and I hate feeling like this because otherwise I am very sure of myself and the great person that I am. He is a total planner, yet I can be both ways as far as planning and being spontaneous.

We have fun when we are together and do many things together, but many times I sense his thoughts are of what he needs to do on the computer (his internal agenda is always going!), and yes I'd rather his thoughts be completely on me! He is 37, never been married, had a few LT relationships, and has no kids and doesn't plan to have any.

I think we are on different pages in this relationship and that I want more from a relationship than he does. Maybe he has been single so long that he is content with his life as it was. So then I think does he have commitment issues. Right now I feel that I am putting more into this relationship than he is and I'm really starting to question if I even want this anymore with him. I realize that you can't change people and if I continue seeing him that I'd have to accept his personality and am finding that it may not be the best fit with mine.

So that's about it, any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Sunshine

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 5:49pm

I think this is much more of an issue of "are you right for each other", now that you've started to see the "real" him (and yes, it does seem to take a good 4-6 months of dating for that to come out). As I said in another post about HJNTIY, that's just a catch phrase: the real question is, are you RIGHT for each other?

As I see it, you have 3 choices here: talk to him about what behavior you'd like from him and see if he's willing to meet you halfway (*both* of you compromise, in other words); accept him as is; or end the r'ship. As with Luv's situation, if you really like him, I'd try the first option and see whether he's a, willing and b, capable of modifying his behavior slightly to meet your needs. People *can* change their behavior at least somewhat, if they are willing to do so, and if the r'ship is important enough to them. Case in point: I am not a neat person by nature and when I'm living alone and/or not seeing anyone regularly, my house reflects that ;-). But if the person I'm seeing or living with prefers a neater house, I can and do make the effort to be neater. I haven't changed my personality, but I can (and do) change my *behavior*.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 6:14pm

Hey you, I just ended a relationship and yes at the 4 month mark my guy started changing too – that’s why no matter what with the romance just keep in mind that the best part is when you can still want to be together when the clouds lift.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:46pm

Hi Sheri,

Thanks for your reply. Yes it does seem between 4 to 6 month time frame that the real personalities come out. You said, "...I think this is much more of an issue of "are you right for each other..." and I do agree with you.

I did have a talk with him last week about both of us needing to compromise on issues that are important to the other person in order for the relationship to work, but I didn't give specifics, so I guess I have to be more specific about it. Yes, people can modify their behavior some and I hope that we will be able to do this with eachother since I do feel that there is something special between us since we are still together. He is a super nice guy with many of the good qualities I have been looking for in a man.

Thank you for sharing when you said, "...I haven't changed my personality, but I can (and do) change my *behavior*...". Thanks again Sheri.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:02pm

Hi SP,

I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I know that there are isuses that need to be addressed between us. But there is something good there since I am still in the relationship.

You said, "...but you both must be willing to work on it once the newness works off..." That is part of the problem since I don't know how willing he is to work on the issues of the relationship, but we'll see. I know that I'm willing and have been doing extra things, but that's normal for me. I guess time will tell...

Thanks Peanut and I hope you are feeling better about everything.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:01am

Hi Sunshine...I may not be the one to give advice, but I can relate. As with my BF it really did come down to letting him know how I felt, but nicely. I didn't go the attack or make demands. I simply told him how unhappy I was with the small amount of time we were spending together. He never admitted it, but I really feel he thought everyhting was just fine the way it was.

I had to realize two things. First, he's not a mind reader and second, was it worth pursuing. We have ironed that issue out and there may be more ahead.(I hope not too many! lol) But it is important I relay my feelings to him.

The key is that he's been making an honest effort evry week to make time for me and as I said, I give points for trying. I also try to remain calm if everyhting isn't going exactly as I want.

I think it's important to have reasonable expectations. However, I fell one obstacle you have is that he sounds like a work-a-holic. That's a tough nut to crack. My late husband was like that until one day it was if he had an epithany. He realized how much he was missing out with his kids. He took a job that was less demanding and closer to home. But all that would be really too much to expect from a BF.

But talk to him. Let him know how you feel.

I'm rooting for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:30am

Hi Luv,

Thanks for your encouraging words. I'll see him this weekend and I plan to bring up some of the issues. Yes he does work a lot and I feel that it has filled the void of not having someone in his life, but I may be wrong and just wishfully thinking this. I'm hoping that he can compromise some just as I have been doing, we'll see...

I'm glad you and your bf have been able to iron out your issues. Have a great time this weekend on the boat!

Sunshine

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:15pm

Yes, I think it's important to give specifics. I would pick the 1 or 2 most pressing issues for your first discussion, rather than overwhelming him with a whole bunch of things. And I'd suggest using the approach I suggested to Luv...something along the lines of "my comfort zone in a r'ship is X , and yours seems to be Y . Is there a way we can compromise and meet in the middle?"

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 3:49pm

"I think we are on different pages in this relationship and that I want more from a relationship than he does. Maybe he has been single so long that he is content with his life as it was. So then I think does he have commitment issues."

He is 37 never been married no kids . could be commitment issues or he is happy w/ his life and just dating and not getting too serious.. getting serious means making more of a committment and he is not willing to maybe put forth the effort..

I am finding the older you get the more comfortable you get and realize there is a lot of compromise.. and it takes a lot of work to make it work. some men are not mature enough to handle it and never will or they just go from r'ship to r'ship because it's easier,fun adn when the problems start to hit or the novelty of the romance wears off things change for them.. they are use to short termr'ships w/excitement so when it wears off they become ambivalent about you and if your the one too.. they don't give it a chance

it's hard being that age and wanting aman that has no kids, that is my dilemma. but some men do wake up and when they are ready they are ready..it sounds like he is just not ready for a serious committmed r'ship but this has nothing to do w/you