Having Second Thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Having Second Thoughts...
8
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:42pm
I'm wondering if I should be doing OLD. The thing is, I could meet strangers, I just don't like meeting strangers. With OLD, I feel like I know something about the person but everything they say could be a lie. Plus, the kind of people I'm familiar with and thus "comfortable" with were really bad people. Do other people have any luck with this? Also, I'm a single mother and although my kids have their own "stuff" and don't want every second of my time, I don't know if I should be distracting myself. What if I make another mistake with a guy? So do you mostly meet people that are nice, normal and just incompatible? Or is it more serious than that? Because a lot of the guys I've corresponded with start becoming quite critical once the first "hellos" are out of the way. What does anyone look for in profiles? For example, is using the word chose when it should be choice a deal breaker for anyone? I think attention to detail is important, personally, but not everyone's as picky probably. I don't like carelessness, however. I really just want a nice friend I could talk to and may more in the future. A lot of people are like porcupines once you start to get close to them, however. It hurts my self-esteem some but mostly my faith in men. Maybe I should just swear-off men altogether. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:59pm

I still believe online dating can work for people, but like another poster has said "It's a numbers game". You have to go out with a number of toads before you meet anyone decent. It is hard to decipher what is genuine and what is phony sometimes with profiles. Then again, they can write the perfect profile but deliver nothing of the sort in real life. I've been down that road as well.

Now this advice is from my own personal experience. First and foremost, make SURE they are divorced. I learned the hard way that it is not wise to date a guy who is separated only.

Secondly, if you seem to hit it off with someone via online chats or phone calls, decide if they even have TIME to date. I seem to always have a problem with the guy working odd hours or being "on call" to where they simply have little or no time to date anyone. The last guy I was involved with (one who was separated) also had a job that kept him out of town for 36 - 48 hours at a time. In the beginning, I remember specifically asking him if he had TIME to date and he replied that he did. I work two jobs myself, but it was his work schedule, not mine, that also caused problems in the relationship.

Lastly, make sure you have time to date between your parenting duties and consider the pitfalls of dating a man who might have custody of underage children. If the kids are grown, there's usually no problem. If they are younger and live with their Mom, hopefully, there are no major problems with custody issues. The custody situation was ultimately what led to the demise of my relationship with the last guy. He could not handle being the custodial parent of his daughter AND have a relationship. He basically short-circuited (over custody battles) and then bailed on me. I would hate to see that happen to anyone else if they could prevent it.

I'm sure others have other "red flags" they could share with you, but those are my top 3 to be on the lookout for. Good luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:08pm

I've only met one truly *bad* guy that I know of (I honestly think in retrospect that he is a pathological liar), plus a handful of people who seemed to be a littld odd, so that's a pretty good track record I think, given that I've met dozens of men from OLD over the years (probaby over 100 I'd say but I haven't kept track). Most of them I've only had the one first meet with and it didn't go anywhere and yes, most of them have seemed fairly "normal", whatever that means ;-).

I know you've mentioned the "critical" thing before and I just don't get that...I've never had that happen, at least not before I've met someone ;-). But then I don't exchange more than a few emails before talking on the phone and/or meeting for coffee. I prefer to take it to real life ASAP but I understand that with kids it's not easy to just go out and meet a bunch of people for coffee.

Although I do prefer someone who can write and spell well, I'm not a stickler for it in profiles and emails.

I just look for men I think I could be attracted to, and who seem like they'd be fun and interesting and who don't have any obvious red flags in their profile.

As for your fear of making another mistake...dating involves the risk of that. There's no getting around it. You can *minimize* the risk by not letting your guard down until you've known the guy for a while (and I mean gotten to know him by spending time together in person, not online), but you can't avoid it altogether.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 12:18am

Misty, I've thought of your advice a number of times when I've noticed "separated" on a guy's profile. The thing was, so many of them have their "soft under bellies" showing and it can be quite appealing. However, it's no time to start a relationship, that's for sure. Trying to just be friends seems to be problematic, also, so I heed your advice and just stay-away. I haven't dated any men with custody issues, fortunately. I can see how that could be difficult, however.

Sheri, you must be good at identifying bad men. I'm working on that. It's good to hear you've met normal people. As far as some being critical, it seems to be these ones who want to communicate via alternate emails, endless emailers who make me feel like I'm filling-out a resume'. I guess I can just as well block them also, though.

You're right about minimizing risk, I'm sure. It's just that sometimes I've known people for months or years, some of them well, and knew they were lying to everyone they knew but noone caught-on. It's really hard to find honest people anymore. You almost have to have some way of knowing if they're telling to truth or not. The internet makes it too easy to lie and people can live many separate lives. This is why I'm thinking of swearing-off men. Then, on the other hand, I think how nice it would be to meet someone who wants the same things I do and I'm torn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:42am

RE: Guys who want you to fill out a resume.

I've had my share of those. After my first month of OLD, however, I have stopped paying attention to them. If a guy has too many "musts" in his first e-mail or two, I politely move on. Just sent a "thanks but we wouldn't suit" to a guy who (in response to my friendly "hello" e-mail) sent me a description of the sort of woman I would have to be to suit him. Most of the things he wants I am or could be. But I'm not interested in a guy whose first contact with me is a list of requirements.

RE: Maybe giving up.

I sort of felt like that for a while. Right now I am taking it lightly. I go out only with guys who understand I'm not going to rush into a relationship.

I think that younger women (I am 50) will probably find the right person if they persevere, but after 45 it gets harder. I am less willing to compromise in some areas and the guys are less plentiful than when I was younger and slimmer.

Still, I am enjoying my OLD adventure. If I don't try to make too much of it, it can be fun in its own way.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 12:09am

On a lighter note about those "requirements" that some guys want. I had several on-line conversations and then a phone conversation with a guy who I figured out was a "fussy" housekeeper. He said his last relationship fizzled because he asked the woman which "duties" she might want to do in the house if they moved in together. While it is quite possible the woman was lazy, I could also read between the lines that he was probably a LOT better housekeeper than I am. Not that I thought I would probably ever meet this guy. He lived quite a ways from me and informed me early on that he had had no less than 40-50 contacts from women since joining yahoo (I guess that should have impressed me).

He was decent looking, but he sounded like he wanted a housemate who would do 50-50 on the chores around the house. While it might sound logical to want to split up duties if you moved in together, I'm guessing that "talk" he had with the last gal scared her off.

I'm picky about certain aspects of house-cleaning, but with working 2 jobs, my house is not Martha Stewart perfect any given day of the week. I could not handle a guy who was a neat freak when it came to cleaning. Someone willing to help with household chores might be important when the relationship became serious enough to even talk of moving in together or marrying, but making that one of your requirements early on would scare off a lot of women for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 8:05pm
Mitsy, I hear you on the neat freak thing. Btw, sorry I got your name wrong before, tired I guess. It's funny you should mention the neat thing, because my ex-husband was like that. I'd move his things a quarter of an inch while picking them up and dusting them and he'd scream at me that I'd messed-up his stuff. It seems ludicrous in retrospect, but at the time it didn't occur to me to throw them at him. lol It was kind of funny also because before I knew this about him so much, I must have sensed it or something because I sent him a card that said, "I think you're neat." There was a picture of someone vacuuming the lawn with a vacuum cleaner. Of course, it was intended as a play on words, but it wasn't far from the truth! I agree though, if someone has something too picky or specific from the get-go, it can put me off as well. It's a good thing to keep in mind when considering giving someone a "chance".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 8:30pm

Elsa,

Good advice! I've started ignoring these "job interview" guys also. I only wish I'd started sooner. Whatever happened to just getting to know people? The feeling I get from many of them is that they're looking for reasons to justify staying out of a relationship but feel that society or something is pressuring them or maybe they want one but are too afraid to ever try. I don't know, but I knew several guys like that from my home church who were professional, in their late 20s and would probably never marry. I might be reading too much into these endless emailers, but the ones I've talked with don't give much to respond to or they say the same "deep" thing over again, never expanding on a subject. I start to wonder what is the point of messaging back and forth when nothing gets said. Maybe they lack social skills, but it's like playing ball with it in their court and they only say enough to keep me wondering if they're going to hit it back. It's too much like being married! Of course, I say that facetiously.

As far as the giving-up part, I've tried a lot of different approaches. I think yours is a good plan. I guess it's just hard to meet people you really click with no matter what approach you choose. OLD is no different. I'm not giving-up yet. I'm not doing much with it, don't even have a primary picture up, but I did get a response from one guy I'm interested in. So we'll see. Tomorrow, I might feel shot-down again. I guess it is the good to just enjoy the journey. It's more fun that way. Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 9:52pm

I'm going to throw in my experience with OLD (Match)...

I met a guy in Match. He initiated the contact. His interest was left blank on his profile. I asked him about his goal in life few times, his reponse was "staying alive". After more than 3mos of dating, he bailed out on me citing we have different goal in life and different interests (I never turned down any of his invitation for doing things together). And he never asked me about my goal or interests in life.

Another red flag I wanted to add is if he can't tell you about his feelings, then...forget him.

It's my take.