He completely vanished on me....

Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
He completely vanished on me....
10
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 6:39pm

Hi everyone,

I met this guy for the fist time about two weeks ago. We met for a second date a week ago.

After our first date, he emailed me back right away to tell me that he had loved his date with me. Then when we met again he paid for the whole date and brought me back home. We kissed at the end of the date and he said he would like to see me again and fixed another date.

Then he emailed me back to cancel saying he had a bad cold. He emailed again after that and said he was still feeling sick. Then not a word from him. I had asked him to call me after he felt better.

So anyway, Monday I decided to write to him saying that I did not understand why he had not been in touch with me. I told him that I was sensitive and the fact that he had kissed me and then stopped calling had hurt me. All I wanted to know was why.

Well he never responded to my email. It really hurts and I even though I will never hear back from him, I am just wondering what you think happened.

Thanks,

Gen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:53pm
Unfortunately, it happens all the time. Maybe he's one of those guys think it's fun to date a pretty girl once or twice and then move on to the next one. If he is, thank goodness you found out now. Maybe you weren't his physical type, or maybe he was in the hospital (but if he were really interested, he would have called as soon as got out). The point is, if you don't recall doing anything rude or inconsiderate, always assume it had nothing to do with you and never, ever ask why. Nothing he could say would make you feel better, because if he wanted to ask you out again, he already would have. Next time, treat the guy how he treats you. If he ignores you, ignore him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:24pm
Unfortunately I don't think people believe that they owe you an explanation as to why they don't want to see you again in these really early stages of dating. Some just disappear without a trace. It's inconsiderate but I think it's their way of saying that something didn't click or that they met someone else without having to hurt you.
Next time something like this happens I wouldn't tell the person that they hurt you and that you are sensitive. I would just ask him if he wanted to meet up again sometime since you hadn't heard from him and if he didn't respond to that then there is your answer. When we show others early on that something bothers us like this it gives them the upper hand in a way and they may see this as coming off needy in the beginning. I think in the early dating stages it's smart to keep your wits about you and your emotions in check. Therefore you don't attach too much hope or emotion in the beginning. It's good to show a little bit be smart and protect yourself and really try to get to know the person first before getting invested in them. I know it's hard to accept someone being inconsiderate or flakey and it hurts the ego and unfortunately hit happens quite a bit especially with OLD. Keep on at it. I'm taking the OLD thing VERY slowly now since I've had so many disappointments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 12:04pm
yeah this happens often. I had one date with a guy who i liked. I didnt feel like, oh wow he is awesome, i really like him...but i liked him and would have done a second date. Throughout the date he kept telling me how we had a lot in common, he was so happy with my appearance (odd comment i suppose) and kept making references to us hanging out again. THat night after the date he even emailed me. I was happy, until i realized how difficult he was to make plans with-it was a turn off. He admitted he was not a planner...but i feel that if you like someone you will plan and make time. after the first date he would send several emails asking if i wanted to meet up that day, even on weekends when i dont check email as much. Finally on one occasion his email said he'd call that day, he never did and i never responded to his email...that was that. POint is, he seemed really into me during the day and in his follow up...but i guess there wasnt enough interest level on either of our ends. I could have been more willing to meet up the days he asked...but i didnt feel like it...i like plans made in advance, esp when you dont know someone that well. Now why he went on and on the way he did on the date...is a mystery to me, but it seems to be a common thing that guys do
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:19pm
I completely agree with you. I think making plans, and especially when you have just met someone and trying to get to know them, is a courteous thing to do. This way it shows that you respect the other person's time and schedule and want to fit them into yours because you like them enough to spend time with them. It's amazing how people just don't have common courtesy or consistency, such as making plans, calling if you say you are going to call, being honest if you don't feel a connection with someone or have met smoeone else instead of just disappearing. I don't think I'll ever understand this but I value things like this and the right man for me will be consistant and will give me explanations as to why he didnt' call when he said he would without me asking, following through with plans for dates and not changing the plans all the time. VERY important to me in a significant other I'm noticing especially after all these online dating mishaps and flakiness. People usually don't feel like they owe you any explanations or consistancy at the beginning because they don't know you well and aren't vested in you but I just think it's just common courtesy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:26pm
right! He would email me on a sat morning asking if i wanted to go out sat evening....It's like, first of all dont do that. Second of all, if you are going to do that, at least CALL. It was almost rude of him to assume that he could just email me that morning to see if i was available that night after we'd met once...he was also divorced, had been with is wife 10 years and ended things with her because he realized he didnt want to have children with her...nice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:26pm
I agree with all of the other posters. This happens quite often, and it is very hurtful and confusing. I have found many men (both in real life and through OLD) to be the game player type. They are confused as to what they want, so they continually look for someone better or think there is someone better down the road (or online). They do not have the backbone to be honest, so they vanish. What your guy did was what I have had happen to me before. They LEAD YOU ON. In my opinion, this is the most insulting form of game playing when it comes to dating. It is a fatal flaw for them. Only you can decide if you would want to see this guy again, but I think if he called again, I would be "busy".
Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:18pm

Thanks everyone,

I really appreciate all your nice comments and advice.

What really hurts is that we had spoken on the phone for two weeks before meeting. He was really understanding and he let me confide in him and everything, so I grew attached to him.

I don't understand why he just didn't say he was not interested instead of sending two emails letting me know he had a bad cold.

Thanks for caring,

Gen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 7:55pm

OMG! Your incident sounds identical to mine! Maybe we met the same guy! I'm still hurt and confused with what happened with my 'date' as well.

We talked for two weeks, met up for lunch once then went out for dinner the following week. I thought he was sooo nice and that he liked me. I thought he was a great guy. After dinner, he said he would call the next day.... He hasn't called. I even sent an email to say hi a few days after the dinner date... no reply.

He even blocked my profile on the dating site! He is on there all the time now.

I would've really appreciated if he was upfront and honest with me and told me he didn't think it would work, instead of leaving me confused and guessing.

Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:06pm

Hello Reggie,

Well take my lead....

I decided to forget about him and this time I have another date tomorrow.

This time however, I am not going to get attached too quickly.

I will keep in touch and let you all know how my date went.

Hugs,

Gen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 9:58am
I know the subject of men not being honest as to why they do not want to see someone has been talked to death. However, I think a guy could tell you that he's interested in someone else (whether or not that is the case) rather than vanish on you. If you hit it off with a guy extremely well and talk to each other everyday and make plans, etc., it is only NORMAL to think that things will continue. For the guy to drop the ball, in my opinion, is very rude. I think they need to give you some kind of excuse, and there are others on the board who think it's fine for them to give no explanation. I guess I do not go along with that line of thinking if you have gone out several times and seem to "click" as they say. I think it goes along with "common courtesy". That is something that few men seem to have or at least that has been my experiences in dating. I think they can be honest without being hurtful, but few men know how to do that, so they bail rather than be a stand-up kind of guy. I hope your next date turns out a lot better for you.