Is he playing me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Is he playing me?
18
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 3:29pm
I met this great guy on Match.com, and we e-mailed and talked on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally met a few weeks ago. He's totally into the relationship way of doing things, like cooking for me, hanging out and watching movies and cuddling on the couch, giving me little presents. He acts so into me. He e-mails me several times a day, always calls when he says he will, invites me to his house 3 or more times a week. We do things that couples do--like go to the grocery store together, work out together, and stuff you normally dont do when you're just getting to know someone. We're so much alike that we've finished each others sentences! We just clicked from day one.
So here's the thing. He says he's never met anyone before that he's clicked with so well so fast, and that he cares a great deal for me and can't see me not in his life--but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. So we stopped kissing and doing "dating" type things, but are still acting for all intents and purposes like a couple! He says its hard to not be intimate with me because he's attracted to me, but that he doesn't want to lead me on by being intimate with me with no intentions of having a relationship.
WTF???
I don't get it! He's not going out with anybody else, because we're together practically all weekend, and he took his profile off of Match.com, because he said, "If I cant make it work with you, I'm giving up!" So what's his deal? I really like him, and don't want to not see him anymore, but I want a relationship! And the only thing we're not doing that would be different in a relationship is the intimacy part. Oh, and also the committment to not be with other people, which since he's not going out looking, I don't see would be a problem. And not all relationships have to be forever, so I don't understand why he doesn't want one.
Should I make a stand and say that I can't see him anymore, even though it would kill me? I've made that suggestion to him, and he says he'd do anything to not lose our friendship.
I know he's not gay, so don't suggest that!
What's your take on it?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 3:46pm

No, he's not "playing" you...playing someone involves deception, and it sounds like he's being upfront.

It seems pretty clear there are commitment issues at work here...the first red flag was how quickly he jumped into "playing house" with you. He totally skipped the DATING part...not a good sign!

Don't bother trying to figure out "why" he doesn't want a relationship...that's HIS issue. All you need to be concerned with is the fact that he doesn't.

Yes, I think you should cut it off...what's the point of continuing to see each other? You don't want to just be 'friends' with him...so don't be. Maybe at some point in the future, when you've lost any romantic feelings for him, you can be friends, but not now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 3:55pm

Of course he doesn't want to lose the friendship. He's having no-strings attached sex. The intimacy you're talking about isn't true intimacy--it's sex. That's soooo much different!

I know it's hard to let someone go, especially when you like him so much. But if you want a relationship, then sticking around this guy will only give you heartbreak in the long run. If you go on, hoping he'll change his mind, you'll just be fooling yourself. Having some pain now is much better than having your heart broken a year later.

Closing this door will definitely open another one for you shortly. Good luck!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 4:37pm

You missed my point--we're NOT having sex. Or even kissing. We did start off kissing and just a little more, but not that we're "just friends", we're not doing any of that anymore. The only thing we're doing is cuddling on the couch, and little things, like if he walks up behind me he'll brush his hand past my hip, all those little things that make me think me still wants me. But nothing more!

I just keep thinking that if I just wait it out, he'll get comfortable with the idea of being with me committedly. And then if I back away after I've given him time to like me more, he'll realize how much he misses me and then he'll definately want to be with me.

WOW. That sounded pathetic, didn't it? I know I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak. But I'm having such a great time, I don't want to give that up. He's talked about doing all sorts of cool things this summer, and I don't want to leave him and miss him and be lonely...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 4:44pm
I'm doing this quickly because I'm at a public library computer and about to run out of time. I haven't read the other responses, and I'm going to be blunt. Stop seeing this guy. He's confused, and he doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like a troubled person to me, and you're not going to be able to help him or fix him. End it now or this will cause you a lot of pain eventually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 4:46pm
You're settling and you wouldn't be here worrying about whether he's playing you or not if you weren't. The question to ask yourself is why stay with someone who isn't giving you what you need, hoping he'll change? That's often more painful than being alone.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 4:54pm

Have a look at the thread started by lstammy. I've posted some thoughts about dating someone who's basically a "placeholder". I think it makes it hard to be open to meeting someone who's right for you.

As for more time...I think you need to read a little book called "He's Just Not That Into You" ;-). Seriously...he has TOLD you he doesn't want a relationship...BELIEVE HIM!!!!! More time isn't going to make a difference...all that will happen is that YOU will get more attached and it'll be harder to break off.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 5:01pm
This sounds a bit like the situation I was in.......I can't do it. I decided after my 6 month relationship with a man who was emotionally distant, that I wouldn't date anyone for longer than a month who didn't seem into me. Maybe that's too long, but I would like to give them a bit of a chance to get in the swing of things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 7:53pm

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Sheri, you have said it all! This person displays all signs of commitment issues including being overly sweet, shopping, cooking and presents. I have read an article somewhere and they recommend you get out of it ASAP and BEFORE you fall for this person. I have been in a similar relationship and I don't recommend. Once person has commitment issues - they don't go away just because he says he loves you. It is the most difficult and frustrating constelletion I have been in. I advise to cut it off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 7:55pm

" So we stopped kissing and doing "dating" type things, but are still acting for all intents and purposes like a couple! He says its hard to not be intimate with me because he's attracted to me, but that he doesn't want to lead me on by being intimate with me with no intentions of having a relationship.
WTF???"


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 8:50pm

"I just keep thinking that if I just wait it out, he'll get comfortable with the idea of being with me committedly. And then if I back away after I've given him time to like me more, he'll realize how much he misses me and then he'll definately want to be with me."

Please don't think I'm being too harsh when I say this.... you're KIDDING, right?????

Also check out the book "Men Who Can't Love."

Tracy

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