Is he playing me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Is he playing me?
18
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 3:29pm
I met this great guy on Match.com, and we e-mailed and talked on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally met a few weeks ago. He's totally into the relationship way of doing things, like cooking for me, hanging out and watching movies and cuddling on the couch, giving me little presents. He acts so into me. He e-mails me several times a day, always calls when he says he will, invites me to his house 3 or more times a week. We do things that couples do--like go to the grocery store together, work out together, and stuff you normally dont do when you're just getting to know someone. We're so much alike that we've finished each others sentences! We just clicked from day one.
So here's the thing. He says he's never met anyone before that he's clicked with so well so fast, and that he cares a great deal for me and can't see me not in his life--but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. So we stopped kissing and doing "dating" type things, but are still acting for all intents and purposes like a couple! He says its hard to not be intimate with me because he's attracted to me, but that he doesn't want to lead me on by being intimate with me with no intentions of having a relationship.
WTF???
I don't get it! He's not going out with anybody else, because we're together practically all weekend, and he took his profile off of Match.com, because he said, "If I cant make it work with you, I'm giving up!" So what's his deal? I really like him, and don't want to not see him anymore, but I want a relationship! And the only thing we're not doing that would be different in a relationship is the intimacy part. Oh, and also the committment to not be with other people, which since he's not going out looking, I don't see would be a problem. And not all relationships have to be forever, so I don't understand why he doesn't want one.
Should I make a stand and say that I can't see him anymore, even though it would kill me? I've made that suggestion to him, and he says he'd do anything to not lose our friendship.
I know he's not gay, so don't suggest that!
What's your take on it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
In reply to: cj311
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 8:55pm
I thought the exact same thing!!!! It does make a bit of sense when you think that as time goes by he could *fall* for you. But, in my situation it didn't work at all......
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: cj311
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 12:59pm

Ooops! Sorry I misread your post.

The rest of my reply still stands though. If you're waiting for him to come around, I think you will be hurt. Definitely don't want to see that happen...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
In reply to: cj311
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 9:48pm
He gave u the answer ure looking for..He DOESNT wanna be in a RELATIONSHIP..He just wants to be INTIMATE... He just wants to be intimate!! I hate when guys do this..Sorry,but its the truth.If he wanted to be in a relationship he would have told u so.. But he did tell u the truth so u cant really blame him..But it's stupid that he made u fall in love with him then decided he didnt want a relationship..Men!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: cj311
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:22am

I think I dated this guy. Is his name Steve? Does he live in New Hampshire?

He is playing you, I am sad to say, and you should get out NOW.

Here's what happened in my situation. It started EXACTLY like this, with the full court press for about three weeks, he introduced me to his mom, we did all kinds of stuff together, he called me multiple times a day, we went shopping, etc, etc. Suddenly he 'decided' he wasn't ready for a relationship, needed to be 'celibate' for awhile, but he really wanted to keep spending time with me, cared for me, blah blah blah. ????? I even spent the night once with no touching or anything after this 'talk.' (yeah, i know, LG is rolling his eyes right now!)

We went on like this for quite awhile. Because we had connected so completely (I thought) I, like you, was convinced he would eventually come back and realize how good we would be together as a couple. For a year, this continued...he'd call me every couple of months and we'd have this amazing couple of days then he'd disappear again.

It turned out I was Plan B. He had his eye on a woman who wasn't available. The minute she was, you can guess what happened. He made sure to be with her in a place he knew I would be. And, to top it all off, she had a giant hickey on her neck! I guess he wanted to be certain I would know they were together....

He is Chapter One in my book!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: cj311
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:07am

>>He says he's never met anyone before that he's clicked with so well so fast, and that he cares a great deal for me and can't see me not in his life--but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now.<<

Um, why is there even a question?

He doesn't want you. He's not into you. He freakin TOLD YOU SO. If he were into you, he'd be in a relationship with you, PERIOD.

Show a little backbone and self-respect, and move on.

He's got some kind of issue- gay or a secret wife/gf or commitment issues or something- but whatever the issue is, HE'S NOT INTO YOU. HE TOLD YOU SO.

Move on. Go buy "He's Just Not That Into You". Read it. Pay particular attention to the section that covers THIS EXACT SITUATION. Then quit making excuses- that's you that the book is talking about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: cj311
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:12am

I might need to expand upon my answer a bit further.

See, here's the deal. When he says "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" that could mean one of two things:

"I don't want to be in a relationship right now", or
"I don't want to be in a relationship WITH YOU right now."

But you know what? From your point of view, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Either way, he has bluntly told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. Whether it's because of you personally, or him, from your POV it doesn't make a whit of difference- he isn't into you.

Move on.

NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:05pm
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 11:04pm

"I just keep thinking that if I just wait it out, he'll get comfortable with the idea of being with me committedly. And then if I back away after I've given him time to like me more, he'll realize how much he misses me and then he'll definately want to be with me. "


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