is he real or am i scared?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
is he real or am i scared?
21
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 4:11pm

Ok well i'm invovled with a guy whom i known for a year, (over the net).
we've fell in love with each other's intellect. he first told me he's in love and that he dont care how i look. i really like this guy alot. he seems cool and we share the same information with each other. well i kinda gotten scared of the whole internet thingy. he's told me he would never hurt me pyshcally or emotionally.

i've told him (before i was scared) that i would like to meet him. hes now taking up two jobs just to see me. we're the same age. i told him that i was too scared to meet him and that i want to take a break. well he's gotten really depressed over this and sent me an e-mail with a poem he wrote attached to it. the poem seems all sad.

my question is, do you think im scared cause of this guy or do you think he's really into me?

P.S. he's asked for my phone number three times while were dating and even mentioned wanting to grow old with me and have children? is he real?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:44pm
I think he's too intense...

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:45pm

Okay, if that's the case - you cannot be "in love" with someone you've never even met. You THINK you're "in love," but you're in love with what he's TOLD you. You're "in love" with the idea of being in love. You're not in love WITH HIM.

ITA! :)

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:03am

i feel most people are FORGETTING the questions i asked.
IS HE REAL? and/or WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?

im confused about him and yes im in love with what he's telling me.
thats the intellectual part im talking about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:32am

Hon, unfortunately there is no way WE can know if he's "REAL" as you ask. We don't know him, we don't know your conversations, etc. But this "relationship" is not "real". You haven't even done so much as speak on the phone. You are "in love" with conversations online. You are not in love with a person. He CANNOT be in love with you as he doesn't know you either. I would be very, very suspicious of anyone that claimed they were in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me having not even met in person. Is he a real person? Sure, someone has to be sitting on the other side of that computer typing back to you. Is he who he says he is? You can only know if you meet.

Why are you so scared? Is the fantasy of having a real life relationship with someone better than having a relationship in flesh and blood? I suppose in some way, if you keep this fantasy relationship online (because it is a fantasy, it's not a real relationship), then you protect yourself from ever getting "hurt" but you also keep yourself from potentially having a mutually satisfying, loving, happy relationship with a PERSON. Someone to touch you, kiss you, do things with, have real converstations with, grow old with... Do you want to have a 50 year relationship with your computer screen??

You asked what we think of him. Again, we can't really form a real opinion on him as we only have the information you provided. That's not adequate to form any kind of thoughts on him at all. However, if you're too "scared" to meet in person, you need to let this go. It's holding you back from meeting real people in real life and is preventing you from LIVING your life. You are 19 - you have a good 60-70 years ahead of you. Hiding somewhere talking to some guy rather than meeting people and living is no life.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:38am

Does he HAVE multiple personality disorder??? Because you mentioned it in your post???

I know you say he has Bipolar but then you also glaze over Multiple Personality Disorder or (DID) which is now what it is called and that is very different from bipolar, paired with Bipolar well I'd really caution you to meeting this man alone at a motel. If you want to meet him, meet at a coffee shop, go out on regular dates out in public. You do not know him at all, talking for a year on the computer is not getting to know someone, you are getting to know what they tell you. His intelligence could be a complete fabrication.

Nobody here can tell you if he is for real.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:46am

Hi,

Like you, I am someone who can feel very strongly about a person I have only known online. There are people around the country who I know well enough to consider "friend" but who I've only met in person once or twice. I know where you are coming from.

You ask "is he real?" I am going to say: "Probably not." The person you "know" through e-mail is only part of the real person. Even if he is trying to tell you everything about himself, even if he is being as honest and open about himself as he can, he is only disclosing what he knows/wants known about him. He cannot tell you what others see. He cannot show you what he really is, how he responds to everyday situations, how he will look at you when he is angry, how responsible (or not) he will be about making it on times to the things that are important.

You ask "am I scared?" I think you know the answer. You are scared, but it is a delicious exciting sort of "scared" sometimes. And you want to hear that there is nothing to be scared about. But of course, you know that there is.

Romance is always part fantasy. We build dreams around what we know of another person. When you meet a person online, it is especially easy to do this, because you only get to know the part of the person that projects through words. Reality is scary, because it blows away the dreams.

This guy has told you some things about him that are quite scary. If he is bipolar or has some other mental health problem, you are right to worry. I am not saying that people with personality disorders and/or psychological problems can't have meaningful relationships and be good partners, but they do tend to put an extra burden on the partner. On paper, it sounds romantic and exciting. In real life . . .

Your relationship with him so far has been fun and exciting. However, it's a little like falling in love with a character in a book or a movie or a sit-com. You only know part of this person and you have never had to deal with the bad part (all of us have a bad part). You also don't know how he will deal with your bad parts. The only thing you can do to find out is to meet.

Make sure he understands that meeting doesn't mean you will immediatly fall into each other's arms (or bed!) and make sure that when you meet you are not alone. Be careful. He may be a lovely person. He may turn out to be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But you won't know until you spend a few months courting in person. And he could be a really scary dangerous person. You never know.

If he's for real, he is probably living in an unrealistic romance just as you are. If he is talking about spending the rest of your lives together without ever having met in person, he is either not thinking very clearly or else he is trying to snow you for some reason. You are right to be uneasy. And I think you know that the only solution is to move to talking to the phone and from there to meeting a couple of times in a safe place. Only then will you know if this is someone you want to have a romance with.

Good luck. If this is not the right guy, the right guy will come.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:46am
But aren't we all indirectly answering your questions? Like "what do you think of him", I think that one has been covered...

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:59pm
LOL dont over stay your welcome...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:43pm
Please, let's all be respectful of differing opinions and not make posts into a personal attack. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:06am
I wasn't being rude, I was just stating my opinion. And I'm allowed to. I didn't realise I was such a "guest" here...

 

 

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