He says he's very nervous about meeting
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| Thu, 10-02-2003 - 10:02am |
I called on Mon. and the conversation went quite smoothly. We talked without any awkward silences either. He's actually metioned in both his profile and his first email to me that he is extremely shy. He said that if it weren't for online dating he'd probably never date because he never has the nerve to just go up to a woman and start talking to her - let alone ask her out on a date. What surprised me is that he was able to talk to me without any problem. He admitted that he was a little surprised himself at how easily he was keeping up his end of the conversation.
Anyhow, he mentioned meeting several times during the conversation. But he also said that he was very nervous about meeting. He also said that he was nervous about calling me and preferred that I call him. I said that if I got over my fear of calling him then he has to make the next move and call me. So, he agreed and said he'd call the next day (i.e. Tues.) and we can decide when and where to meet. He kept saying that dating and calling women makes him so nervous because he's so shy.
He's done online dating for a while now actually. He said that he's had a number of first dates and two 6 week long relationships as a result. He said that he really wants to meet someone with whom he can develop something longterm. His last serious relationship (12 yr long rel'nship) ended 2 yrs ago and they are no longer in contact.
Well...he didn't call on Tues or Wed. so I wrote him an email. I said that I enjoyed talking to him and I was hoping that we could meet. I told him that I understand that meeting someone new for the first time can be a little nerve-wracking for some people (myself included) but if you don't try - you'll never know. I then added that of course, I realize that he might have changed his mind and that I understand if he did.
A couple of hours later he wrote back. He said that he didn't change his mind and that he still wants to meet me but he needs to work up the courage. He then said that he realizes that in the meantime I might meet someone else. He also said that if by the time he's ready to meet, I decide that I'm no longer interested - he'd understand.
This is weird. Now I am shy too and everytime I meet someone new for the first time I'm a nervous wreck and often feel tempted to back out. I think that there's no way that someone can feel more anxious than that. Part of me thinks I should just forget about this guy. Another part of me can't help thinking that if we can just get over the hurdle of that first meeting everything will be just fine. When we spoke on the phone it was so comfortable. I tend to feel intimidated by a lot of men - especially those who have really assertive personalities. This guy seems a lot more easygoing - someone around whom I would feel truly comfortable and confident just being myself. On the other hand - to my surprise - a lot of people have told me that I come across as intimidating to a lot of men so that might make a shy guy really apprehensive.
Any wise thoughts?
jhoover
Edited 10/2/2003 11:59:16 PM ET by jhoover21
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>>>>A couple of hours later he wrote back. He said that he didn't change his mind and that he still wants to meet me but he needs to work up the courage. He then said that he realizes that in the meantime I might meet someone else. He also said that if by the time he's ready to meet, I decide that I'm no longer interested - he'd understand. <<<<<
Ok, to me, this would be the end of it. Why? He's saying "hey, I am not interested enough in you to NOT let other guys go after you. If you want to date someone else, be my guest. If you want to date me, you are going to have to work hard, call me, and basically do all the pursuing."
Wouldn't you rather have a guy who wants to meet you immediately? Who finds you SO fascinating he can't wait to see if you click in person? And wants to do it SOON, before any other guy can get to you???
I don't buy the excuse that a man is "too shy" to call, therefore, you need to pursue him. I have seen that these men will always find the courage to go after the woman they REALLY want.
>>>>On the other hand - to my surprise - a lot of people have told me that I come across as intimidating to a lot of men so that might make a shy guy really apprehensive. <<<<
Yeah, I'd have to agree- you are coming across as very aggressive (calling, e-mailing, initiating dates, etc.) Nothing wrong with that, but the type of men (generally) who are drawn to aggressive women tend to be passive themselves, and expect to be catered to and romanced, instead of the other way around. Which do you want?
HS
That would be a total turn-off for me.
You've got spunk girl! Keep up the search!
Good luck!
Jayecey
Kristina & Ani Rose 3/21/03
"A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands; How could I answer the child? . . . . I do not know what it is any more than he."
"I celebrate myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good as belongs to you"
I agree with everything that you wrote in your post with the exception of this comment. There might have been a misunderstanding when I wrote my post. I actually did not puruse him (or anyone else for that matter) in any way that might be construed as aggressive.
I sent a one line introductory email inviting him to look at my profile and contact me if he is interested. He wrote back and we exchanged two emails apiece. He then gave me his phone number and said to call him anytime. I phoned once - three days later. During our conversation, he initiated meeting - several times - and said he'd phone me the next day to determine when and where. When he still hadn't called, two days later I sent an email. I don't think that's being aggressive at all.
My nature is not aggressive - quite the opposite. The reason I come across as intimidating to a lot of men - I have been told - is my quiet and serious demeanour, which sometimes makes me appear unapproachable.
jhoover
I agree that it's possible that he is just as nervous as I am - probably more so. But he can't even find the courage to phone again or even send an email. Before I phoned him my heart was beating so fast. I hate talking on the phone - worse if I'm talking to a stranger. So if I can get over the anxiety of that intial phone call he can surely make the second call. I might be the woman of his dreams yet it's pretty clear that he's not worrying about that too much - especially if he tells me it's fine if I meet someone else.
jhoover
jhoover
I stand by my post though. In my book (your opinion may differ) you have been agressive because:
1) You contacted him first through e-mail
2) You called him first on the telephone
3) When he didn't call back as he said he would, you e-mailed him again. (If he REALLY wanted to see you, he could have asked you out on that initial phone call, instead of saying he'd call you later.)
All of this (again in my definition!) is PURSUING.
When I was dating, if a man didn't track me down (call, email, keep his promises, ask me out instead of waiting for me to make plans) he didn't get to see me. Period. It worked for me.
Best,
HS
P.S. I am also a "quiet" woman, and most men seem to greatly prefer this!
This one goes to Holly Snow- so you think you have it all figured out after reading the famous "rule book" on "aggressive women"?
I say Welcome to the new millennium baby! We have come along way but I do agree we still have a long way to go. I agree men AND women find some mystery interesting but some of these outdated techniques are down right rude. Track you down?
How would you like to be treated this way?
I agree there is a time to turn and walk away but I see nothing wrong with making the first moves. I find many guys love this too!!! They like it when you are up front and honest-
Sign me
"no game playing here"
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