He says he's very nervous about meeting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
He says he's very nervous about meeting
17
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 10:02am
After receiving messages primarily from men who do not interest me at all I decided to take matters into my own hands. About a week ago I contacted 6 men and two responded. One of them gave me his phone number on Fri.

I called on Mon. and the conversation went quite smoothly. We talked without any awkward silences either. He's actually metioned in both his profile and his first email to me that he is extremely shy. He said that if it weren't for online dating he'd probably never date because he never has the nerve to just go up to a woman and start talking to her - let alone ask her out on a date. What surprised me is that he was able to talk to me without any problem. He admitted that he was a little surprised himself at how easily he was keeping up his end of the conversation.

Anyhow, he mentioned meeting several times during the conversation. But he also said that he was very nervous about meeting. He also said that he was nervous about calling me and preferred that I call him. I said that if I got over my fear of calling him then he has to make the next move and call me. So, he agreed and said he'd call the next day (i.e. Tues.) and we can decide when and where to meet. He kept saying that dating and calling women makes him so nervous because he's so shy.

He's done online dating for a while now actually. He said that he's had a number of first dates and two 6 week long relationships as a result. He said that he really wants to meet someone with whom he can develop something longterm. His last serious relationship (12 yr long rel'nship) ended 2 yrs ago and they are no longer in contact.

Well...he didn't call on Tues or Wed. so I wrote him an email. I said that I enjoyed talking to him and I was hoping that we could meet. I told him that I understand that meeting someone new for the first time can be a little nerve-wracking for some people (myself included) but if you don't try - you'll never know. I then added that of course, I realize that he might have changed his mind and that I understand if he did.

A couple of hours later he wrote back. He said that he didn't change his mind and that he still wants to meet me but he needs to work up the courage. He then said that he realizes that in the meantime I might meet someone else. He also said that if by the time he's ready to meet, I decide that I'm no longer interested - he'd understand.

This is weird. Now I am shy too and everytime I meet someone new for the first time I'm a nervous wreck and often feel tempted to back out. I think that there's no way that someone can feel more anxious than that. Part of me thinks I should just forget about this guy. Another part of me can't help thinking that if we can just get over the hurdle of that first meeting everything will be just fine. When we spoke on the phone it was so comfortable. I tend to feel intimidated by a lot of men - especially those who have really assertive personalities. This guy seems a lot more easygoing - someone around whom I would feel truly comfortable and confident just being myself. On the other hand - to my surprise - a lot of people have told me that I come across as intimidating to a lot of men so that might make a shy guy really apprehensive.

Any wise thoughts?

jhoover





Edited 10/2/2003 11:59:16 PM ET by jhoover21

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 5:22pm
Oh, I don't like the sound of this one at all. This is just my opinion, take it or leave it.


>>>>A couple of hours later he wrote back. He said that he didn't change his mind and that he still wants to meet me but he needs to work up the courage. He then said that he realizes that in the meantime I might meet someone else. He also said that if by the time he's ready to meet, I decide that I'm no longer interested - he'd understand. <<<<<


Ok, to me, this would be the end of it. Why? He's saying "hey, I am not interested enough in you to NOT let other guys go after you. If you want to date someone else, be my guest. If you want to date me, you are going to have to work hard, call me, and basically do all the pursuing."


Wouldn't you rather have a guy who wants to meet you immediately? Who finds you SO fascinating he can't wait to see if you click in person? And wants to do it SOON, before any other guy can get to you???

I don't buy the excuse that a man is "too shy" to call, therefore, you need to pursue him. I have seen that these men will always find the courage to go after the woman they REALLY want.


>>>>On the other hand - to my surprise - a lot of people have told me that I come across as intimidating to a lot of men so that might make a shy guy really apprehensive. <<<<


Yeah, I'd have to agree- you are coming across as very aggressive (calling, e-mailing, initiating dates, etc.) Nothing wrong with that, but the type of men (generally) who are drawn to aggressive women tend to be passive themselves, and expect to be catered to and romanced, instead of the other way around. Which do you want?


HS

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 7:28pm

That would be a total turn-off for me.

Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:56pm
Wow! I agree with the other posters, forget it, there's only so much you can invest in someone who has problems working up the courage to call ESPECIALLY since this wouldn't be the first time the two of you have spoken! He couldn't even email you! Ugh bye-bye to him.

You've got spunk girl! Keep up the search!

Good luck!

Jayecey

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 2:18am
It sounds like you two had a wonderful conversation, and obviously felt a common spark on that first phone call. Men can be just as nervous as us. When I met my first OL I couldn't believe he was freaking out just as much as I was! Try to work up the courage to give him a call, after all you don't want to lose something potentially that could grow into a beautiful thing. If it was the man of your dreams and you knew it, would you still just sit by and let him slip away? Some risk are worth taking. Best of luck!

Kristina & Ani Rose 3/21/03


"A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands; How could I answer the child? . . . . I do not know what it is any more than he."


"I celebrate myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good as belongs to you"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 8:10am
I would not meet this person (as I explained on the other board) - if he is that painfully shy, are you willing to do all the future asking and calling and lead him around - if he is that afraid of rejection, will you be ok with constantly reassuring him of how you feel? Are you willing to be his therapist and mommy as well as his girlfriend? Yes, online dating takes a thick skin - and reasonable self esteem and confidence - if he cannot even be man enough (yup, that's what I said) to take the initiative and ask you out for a cup of coffee, make sure you never ever want to take this man to meet your family and friends without months of notice and without having to drag him there, put him in the corner with his security blanket, and prepare plates of food for him to eat so you can go and socialize for a few minutes - I'm only exxagerating a little - if this is not a turn off to you - his behavior - by all means go for it - but thinking that after the first or second or third meeting it will be smooth sailing - with that I cannot agree. It just should not be this much work - relationships are enough work without dealing with this kind of issue before you even meet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 1:49pm
<>

I agree with everything that you wrote in your post with the exception of this comment. There might have been a misunderstanding when I wrote my post. I actually did not puruse him (or anyone else for that matter) in any way that might be construed as aggressive.

I sent a one line introductory email inviting him to look at my profile and contact me if he is interested. He wrote back and we exchanged two emails apiece. He then gave me his phone number and said to call him anytime. I phoned once - three days later. During our conversation, he initiated meeting - several times - and said he'd phone me the next day to determine when and where. When he still hadn't called, two days later I sent an email. I don't think that's being aggressive at all.

My nature is not aggressive - quite the opposite. The reason I come across as intimidating to a lot of men - I have been told - is my quiet and serious demeanour, which sometimes makes me appear unapproachable.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 1:58pm
Hi roxy

I agree that it's possible that he is just as nervous as I am - probably more so. But he can't even find the courage to phone again or even send an email. Before I phoned him my heart was beating so fast. I hate talking on the phone - worse if I'm talking to a stranger. So if I can get over the anxiety of that intial phone call he can surely make the second call. I might be the woman of his dreams yet it's pretty clear that he's not worrying about that too much - especially if he tells me it's fine if I meet someone else.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:03pm
I agree sheri. I'm letting it go. If he ever does call again - well, I'll see how I feel then.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:41pm
I suppose everyone has different definitions of what they consider agressive- there's no right or wrong here. :)

I stand by my post though. In my book (your opinion may differ) you have been agressive because:

1) You contacted him first through e-mail

2) You called him first on the telephone

3) When he didn't call back as he said he would, you e-mailed him again. (If he REALLY wanted to see you, he could have asked you out on that initial phone call, instead of saying he'd call you later.)

All of this (again in my definition!) is PURSUING.

When I was dating, if a man didn't track me down (call, email, keep his promises, ask me out instead of waiting for me to make plans) he didn't get to see me. Period. It worked for me.

Best,


HS

P.S. I am also a "quiet" woman, and most men seem to greatly prefer this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 12:58pm
"When I was dating, if a man didn't track me down (call, email, keep his promises, ask me out instead of waiting for me to make plans) he didn't get to see me. Period. It worked for me. "

This one goes to Holly Snow- so you think you have it all figured out after reading the famous "rule book" on "aggressive women"?

I say Welcome to the new millennium baby! We have come along way but I do agree we still have a long way to go. I agree men AND women find some mystery interesting but some of these outdated techniques are down right rude. Track you down?

How would you like to be treated this way?

I agree there is a time to turn and walk away but I see nothing wrong with making the first moves. I find many guys love this too!!! They like it when you are up front and honest-

Sign me

"no game playing here"


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