Is he worth another date??
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Is he worth another date??
| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:28am |
Hello all!!
Just an update on the OLD circuit. I’m requesting honest opinions from everyone out there about this guy because I got the impression that he may be a cheapskate or just plain rude!! Tell me what you think….
I “met” him approximately two weeks ago. He and I talk nearly every day, and after about a week of chatting, I began to be anxious to meet him. This past weekend, he called me and suggested that we meet for coffee. I was excited, and looking forward to meeting. Since the coffee shop wasn’t convenient for both of us, we met at a restaurant instead. Now, I wasn’t sure if we were dining or just meeting at the restaurant for a drink….and whether or not I should expect him to pay or if I should be prepared to pay for myself. When we got there, he said that he just wanted to have a drink….tea, to be exact. It felt weird to be seated at a table with menus and utensils and have a glass of tea. I’m sure the waitstaff got a kick out of that one! Here’s where the confusion comes in…the guy NEVER asked me if I wanted anything. I ordered a tea, but didn’t feel comfortable ordering food because I didn’t want to assume that he would pay for it. Of course, I could’ve paid for my own meal; however, he asked me out, so I think that he should’ve paid had I ordered. I’ve NEVER been out on a date where the guy didn’t ask me what I’d like to order. In addition to that, he order food and beverage, and I’m sitting there drinking my tea while he's eating. In our conversation, he did say some other things that led me to believe that he’s a penny pincher. Although I was somewhat turned off by that, the conversation was really good, and we sat there and talked for over three hours. He says that he'd like to see me again. I wouldn’t mind going out with him again; however, I was turned off by him not asking me if I’d like anything. Should I say anything to him about it? Maybe I’m assuming too much. I guess I could’ve ordered if I wanted to. Also, he could be on a really tight budget, and avoids spending too much money. His financial situation doesn’t matter to me because I don’t date men for their money; however, it does kind of bug me that someone would ask me out and not make a gesture to take care of my meal….
What do you think??
Just an update on the OLD circuit. I’m requesting honest opinions from everyone out there about this guy because I got the impression that he may be a cheapskate or just plain rude!! Tell me what you think….
I “met” him approximately two weeks ago. He and I talk nearly every day, and after about a week of chatting, I began to be anxious to meet him. This past weekend, he called me and suggested that we meet for coffee. I was excited, and looking forward to meeting. Since the coffee shop wasn’t convenient for both of us, we met at a restaurant instead. Now, I wasn’t sure if we were dining or just meeting at the restaurant for a drink….and whether or not I should expect him to pay or if I should be prepared to pay for myself. When we got there, he said that he just wanted to have a drink….tea, to be exact. It felt weird to be seated at a table with menus and utensils and have a glass of tea. I’m sure the waitstaff got a kick out of that one! Here’s where the confusion comes in…the guy NEVER asked me if I wanted anything. I ordered a tea, but didn’t feel comfortable ordering food because I didn’t want to assume that he would pay for it. Of course, I could’ve paid for my own meal; however, he asked me out, so I think that he should’ve paid had I ordered. I’ve NEVER been out on a date where the guy didn’t ask me what I’d like to order. In addition to that, he order food and beverage, and I’m sitting there drinking my tea while he's eating. In our conversation, he did say some other things that led me to believe that he’s a penny pincher. Although I was somewhat turned off by that, the conversation was really good, and we sat there and talked for over three hours. He says that he'd like to see me again. I wouldn’t mind going out with him again; however, I was turned off by him not asking me if I’d like anything. Should I say anything to him about it? Maybe I’m assuming too much. I guess I could’ve ordered if I wanted to. Also, he could be on a really tight budget, and avoids spending too much money. His financial situation doesn’t matter to me because I don’t date men for their money; however, it does kind of bug me that someone would ask me out and not make a gesture to take care of my meal….
What do you think??

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So I don't understand, nowadays in this day of equality and especially if this is not a real "date" and that you are both adults... why did you expect him to ask you if you wanted anything. In my mind, if I wanted something then I would ask the waiter directly and not go thru someone else. Am I missing something?
Or was it that he ate something and you did not? I am not up on my Miss Manners or Emily Post but ... ???
I think the bottom line is that first meetings can be awkward and "different" and therefore we need to give each other grace and lattitude. I think it is a mistake when you start judging people on what you think are "good manners" or not. Nowadays manners are not taught and since we are each raised under different environments, cultures, etc. there are differences of how people do/view behaviors. I come not to expect people to show up on time, do what they say that they will do, and yield the right-of-way so what you described to me is something that I would not even think of as "rude."
I go by the Don't Sweat the Small Stuff approach to life.
Mark
Mark
I always appreciate how upfront the person I go out with talks about how we split the check or not. I think for strangers (online meetings) that splitting the check makes the most sense.
I have a hard time on how adults "date" nowadays. I would rather spend money on women who I know than 1st meetings who are strangers. I am generous with the women I have been partnered with.
Mark
Hmm...interesting. I think you and I have talked about this before, but I'm the opposite...I like to be wooed early on, and then once we're an established couple, I'm much more inclined to take turns, treat each other, etc.
Splitting the check during courtship just seems too much like the guy is looking for a platonic friendship to me. In fact, I recently lost interest in one guy in large part because he asked me to split the check the 2nd time we went out...it just felt too much like he wanted to be buds, not like he was wooing me and interested in romance.
That said, I don't mind if on the very first meet the guy doesn't pay for me, although I prefer that he does (it makes a much more positive impression on me that he'd spring for my latte ;-)).
Sheri
Hey Sheri,
I don't disagree (translate the double negative) on subsequent "dates." At least on the initial date, I do the coffee/casual thing and don't really mind springing for the latte. Thank god I'm working now LOL.
I also realize if I want to make a good impression I open my wallet to pay for her as well for that is what most women *expect*
I just have a hard time with spending money on a stranger rather than someone I have an established relationship.
What is more important to me is for both of us to TALK about money/paying up front... an awkward subject, especially with someone I'm trying to get to know. I really appreciate having an open discussion on this topic for isn't that what is one of the two areas of conflict in a relationship? money and sex?
Mark
Yeah, but see, I think many, maybe even most, women wouldn't SAY to a stranger they haven't met yet that they prefer that the guy pay, because they would be afraid of looking bad. So I'm not sure that talking about it upfront will get you an upfront answer, if you know what I mean ;-). So it might be better to wait until you know each other a little better before bringing up those topics (and definitely the latter topic ;-)!).
But OTOH, R, the guy I met recently is just starting a new job after being unemployed for a little while, and he was upfront with me about that (even though it was hard for him to tell me that...he says it's embarrassing for him to not be able to take me out) and I'm fine with splitting things and even treating for some things, for now (like I'm taking him to a baseball game tomorrow night). I feel comfortable that he will treat me once he gets a couple paychecks under his belt.
Sheri
i haven't even read all the posts but i wonder why you felt he should have asked you if you wanted something. as much as it would have been nice , you have the ability to order yourself, if you want to eat something and i think that he wasn't really being rude.. or being cheap. he probably would have paid if you ordered something (you said he paid for the tea) but if not, it wasn't an official "date" so i would have let it roll and see how the next one went ..
he may have thought it was weird tht you didn't order food.. joking
i also agree w/ the poster/ NWW who said she likes to be wooed from the beginning.. the first date/coffee date have no problem splitting the bill but if I am asked out for dinner i want the guy to pay, it's romance to me.. I am completely turned off by any use of a coupon in the beginning or the guy not paying for me. but after we are dating awhile i don't mnd picking up the bill occassionally
my BF (met on line 10 mths ago) now said to me, when i offered to pay the first time-- who asked who to dinner? i asked you .. you don't pay.. I don't think i have paid for more than a few dinners in our 10mths of courting.. i cook him dinners, bring him things or if asked to grab someting at the store i do and dont' ask for the money. i dont' keep score or count but it is nice being treated this way and never had to worry about it from day one.
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